Is life truly nothing more than a sick fucking joke?

A heart attack... now of all times? Sure. There’s not exactly ever a ‘good’ time to have a heart attack but... really? Just when Meri stood up for herself and defeated the strongest monster my adventurers have encountered yet...?

Fuck all of this... just... fuck it...

“BOSS, YOU CAN’T DIE! I WON’T ALLOW IT!” Sam screams as she falls to the ground to cradle me in her arms.

“MASTER, NO! NOT NOW! NOT NOWWWW!” Meri too joins my side and cries.

“Help... s-shirt... can’t... breath...”

“YOU GOT IT!” Sam quickly rips my shirt and vest off like tearing through paper, and it makes it just a bit easier on me. I feel like I can breathe properly now, at least...

“Wait, what the shit?” Sam looks at me not only with concern but confusion.

Meri gasps and points at my chest. “Oh... OH!!” She smiles and blushes brightly. Very appropriate.

Then, I’m met with my own shock as during all the throes of my intense pain I clutch over my heart directly and... feel something... hard coming out. “W-What?!”

Looking down I can see the head of what looks like a small circular jewel coming out just above my heart, and it’s shining brilliantly with abundant magic.

“I remember now...!” The Shield Maiden’s eyes glimmer with adoration. “Mom said that a Shield Maiden gets her power from the one’s she’s sworn to protect... I didn’t know she meant literally!”

“So that thing is-” Sam starts.

“Causing me a FUCK LOAD of pain? Why yes it is, Sam. HELP-”

“I-It’s a Gratitude Crystal! It’s the first stage of a Power Gem!” Meri is completely relieved and pays almost no mind to my suffering at this point.

“Is he gonna be fine then?” Sam asks casually, losing a lot of her concern now that it’s confirmed to be some sort of magic bullshit.

“He should be.” Meri tilts her head. “Are you ok, Master?”

“NO.”

Sam gets behind me and pins me from behind. “Alright, let’s speed this up then. Meri?”

“NO, MERI. DO NOT-”

“Ok, Sam!”

“PULL!”

Using her intense strength to cease my excessive thrashing, Sam easily holds me in place as Meri starts pulling on the top of the jewel currently phasing through my pectoral muscle. I don’t know if it’s AS bad, but it’s probably tied with Zutiria’s sudden tattoo as the most painful experience of my life thus far.

“STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP-”

“Al... most... there...!!!” Meri grits her teeth and as more of the jewel starts to come out she can use her other hand to start pulling even harder, sending even further spasms of pain throughout my body.

“PULL, PULL!” Sam continues to happily cheer her on as my breath becomes more labored and pained, sweat running out of every pore on my body.

“WHY IS GRATITUDE SO FUCKING PAINFUL?!” I shout to anyone who will listen.

“M-maybe you’re supposed... to feel... the pain... I went through to save you...?” Meri struggles as she pulls and pulls.

“BULLSHIT, WHO FUCKING THOUGHT THIS WAS A GOOD IDEA, I’LL KILL THE BASTA-”

“C’MON BOSS, IT’S COMING!” Sam starts laughing maniacally, apparently deciding that this is a hilarious comedy routine.

“THERE!” Meri shouts in triumph as she yanks out a small, perfectly rounded jewel the size of a small apple from my chest. She admires the newly created Gratitude Crystal while I continue to struggle with the painful aftershocks of the trial I just endured.

“Looks kinda small compared to your old one.” Sam tilts her head.

“I-It’s not a full on Power Gem yet. The shield should fit itself around it, just watch-” Meri scurries back over to grab her shield where she left it and she places it against the divot where the former gem used to reside. Surprisingly, the crystal glows as the shield absorbs it and resizes the divot to be the perfect size for the much smaller stone.

“Please... PLEASE tell me that was just a one time thing.” I ask between heavy breaths.

Meri blushes and stops admiring her new jewel long enough to remember to be concerned for me. “O-Oh, um. Yes. It should be... the Gratitude Crystal should grow stronger if I just keep saving people like today... I think. My mom didn’t have that happen to everyone she saved after all.”

Sam smiles and heads off to pick up Zutiria, still passed out from her mana exhaustion. “All’s well that ends well, huh?”

“Maybe. How does it work?” I ask Meri.

“Oh, well... um... should be the same as normal, except that I’ll be able to do more stuff with my shield once it gets stronger. My Reflects might be a bit stronger now too, but I think what happened earlier was a special occasion... t-they probably won’t be that strong again anytime soon...” She nervously laughs and blushes.

“W-what about that, though?” Meri points towards the remains of the Greater Murdermoth. “There wasn’t a quest for it but do you think the Association would still pay us for defeating it?”

I let out a deep sigh, most of the pain has subsided and now I’m just a topless, ragged and sweaty mess. “Yes, though it won’t be worth as much as if there was a quest. It’ll involve a lot more paperwork on my end as I’ll have to detail everything that happened and submit a report, file a claim, send in proof of kill...”

After she sets down the unconscious Mage by my side Sam goes over to the corpse of our former foe with her sword in tow. She hefts it over her shoulder and looks back as she asks, “What should I cut off?”

“The tentacles. All four of them, they’ll want to make sure we didn’t just get lucky and lop one off and then escape... it’s going to be a nightmare shipping those, Gods... I’d imagine we could at least get thirty percent for it. Roughly 30,000G...”

“Shit, all that work for chump change? Eh... I guess it’s better than nothing. Stupid Guild. Whaaaatever...” Sam gets to work slicing off the fresh tentacles, leaving me a brief moment of calm with Meri.

She’s still admiring her new Gratitude Crystal and I can hardly blame her. It’s very pretty for one, and more importantly it’s proof of her growth as a warrior. As a person. She’s changed an awful lot since showing up on my doorstep barely a week ago...

“I’m proud of you, Meri.” I say out loud, my face contorting into a tired smile.

“W-what?!” She once again snaps out of her trance only to nervously blush and smile. “Oh. Um. Thank you... I did my best.”

“I should never have doubted you or tried to cover for you. I’m embarrassed I even felt the need.”

“Master, you just did what any chivalrous man would do in that situation...” She giggles ever so softly and looks away. “Maybe just next time save it for a girl who actually needs your help.”

“Are you teasing me, Meri?”

“N-NO!!” She blushes and sweats before correcting herself. “I-I mean yes, I’m trying to. But it’s not going so well.”

Both of us share a small laugh at her own expense. “For real, you did good.”

Meri looks down. “Thank you, but... What made you think we could take down the monster?”

“Is it too cliche to say that I believed in you? Really, I don’t have much more than that...” I simply state. “Although something’s bothering me. This is the second time a strong monster has defied my predictions when by all means it shouldn’t have...”

“Um, I’m not sure I follow.”

I shake my head. “A couple of weeks ago the three of us killed a number of Brood Wolves. They were all adolescents and for no reason should an adult have been anywhere near them, yet one appeared anyway. Now we encountered a powerful Greater Murdermoth which was able to shed its skin on command allowing it to basically get a free full heal despite it being nowhere near shedding season. I realize the two are completely separate events and hardly have much in common, but... My mind is analytical. I can’t help seeing patterns even if there aren’t any.”

“O-Oh I see.” Meri twiddles her thumbs awkwardly. “I don’t know much about monster behaviour, but maybe you should just keep an eye on it? This is just my opinion but t-two times could be a coincidence but... three times would make it a pattern.”

“... Yes, I agree.” I nod. I have a habit of thinking on and on and on about all manner of things yet... it’s best not to get ahead of myself.

“SHIT NOT AGAIN, AGH!” Sam screams over in the distance and we both look straight at her, which turns out to be a mistake.

A bright light flashes with no warning as soon as Sam finishes carving off the last tentacle stunning the three of us. Especially me. I still hadn’t put my glasses back on and, well... even if they WERE on, bright lights are still my enemy. This hurts a lot, but hey... at least it’s not another Gratitude Crystal.

As soon as the light fades the corpse of the Greater Murdermoth fades away into a sudden sparkling explosion of magic. Nothing too bright thankfully, but surprisingly nonetheless. Not as surprising as what happens next, though.

The earth begins to rumble, and everyone freaks the fuck out.

“ANOTHER ENEMY?! WHERE!?” Sam looks around with her sword in one hand and a big burlap sack full of tentacles in the other.

“N-NO, LOOK!” Meri points towards the largest tree in the vicinity. Overgrown and ancient looking, it stands proudly distinct from all the other trees in our line of sight. Stranger still is that it was entirely unassuming until this very point, and it’s clearly where the rumbling is coming from. As soon as the rumbling is done, however, a gigantic door appears on the surface of the tree facing all of us.

“No fucking way.” I shake my head in disbelief.

“W-Wait a second, that’s...?” Sam gulps and a bead of sweat trickles down her brow.

“Oh my...! T-this is... I’ve heard that slaying certain enemies can sometimes make one appear, but... but that’s...” Meri too can hardly hold back her surprise.

“A dungeon.” I stare at the magnificently tall tree with a slack jaw, only for a voice to ring patronizingly in my ear.

‘Ask and ye shall receive, you ungrateful dick. Now gimme all of that ambrosia shit when you’re less sweaty and I guess we’ll have a talk or something if we really have to... UGH.’ The Goddess groans.