With the mentally-addled Princess leading the pack, the party advances deeper into the Pimpfort once more.

Leaving the mini-boss room behind, they journey down a strangely shaped golden hallway leading west, south-west, and then very briefly south. There were no traps or anything of note in the hall between chambers, which is good because Sam seems like she’s paying less attention to that sort of thing.

When they enter the newest chamber, the group pauses so we can observe the surroundings and let it all sink in. The room is narrow but not tiny. Six suspicious holes are lined up on the sides of each wall. At first glance, they bring to mind those generic traps that shoot arrows from the wall. No matter the resemblance, they’re much too big for that.

There is no exit visible, which must mean there’s a condition to making it appear. As soon as I give the go-ahead to walk a bit further into the mysterious dungeon chamber, the condition becomes apparent.

Three wisps of pink smoke dance through the air on the far end of the chamber. They trace intricate circular patterns resembling some sort of summoning sigil. When completed, the sigils grow bright pink and open a portal to Goddess knows where. Three beings step out of the gates, and there’s no way I wouldn’t recognize them. Not with all the erotic fiction I read.

“O-OH NO!” Meri gasps. Her eyes grow wide from terror because- of course- she, too, understands the threat.

Standing the same size as regular humans, these figures are near-naked men with cloven hooves, fuzzy goat legs, horns, and incredibly painful-looking iron chastity belts strapped to their nethers. Muffling their screams are bright pink ball-gags, and covering their eyes are black leather blindfolds.

Feral Satyrs.

One of Grekka’s native monsters species, Satyrs are a stable of erotic fiction. Some cruel tales mention these naturally lustful demi-humans being enslaved by Sorceresses through promises of pleasure, only to have their self-awareness stripped of them through neglect-play that never ended. Now, these monsters are often used as guards against female adventurers. I don’t need to bring up where such stories typically go. Suffice to say, they usually find a method to remove their chastity belts by the end of it.

‘Such pitiful creatures.’ Zutiria looks upon the pained Goatmen with sympathy.

“Indeed...” Snow raises an eyebrow while eyeing their chastity belts with a concerning amount of interest. I hate to break it to her that I’m not into that...

“Duuuuuude, how do they go pee?” Sam snorts, pointing at the misfortunate creatures and laughing.

“It doesn’t matter. Just stay cautious. Don’t make the first mo-” I don’t even have to warn the girls because before I finish my sentence, the Feral Satyrs all rush across the chamber in an attempt to attack the adventurers.

Stupidity ensues.

All three charging Goatmen trigger the room’s traps, which reveal the six large holes on the side of the wall to contain gigantic wooden penises the size of battering rams. As soon as one Satyr steps close enough, the nearest ram barrels out of its hole to brutally bash the monster. Due to the room’s nature, this impact sends the Satyr to another trap’s strike zone.

This process starts repeating on a loop. Together, we watch for minutes as the three imposing guard monsters are bashed to bloody pulps by the very traps that were there to improve their own combat odds. While hilarious, it’s also very sad. These poor Satyrs have already been through enough as it is, haven’t they?

“T-This is embarrassing... I just kinda feel bad for them...” Meri is the first to admit.

‘Perhaps this room is meant to symbolize how Pimpington always rushes ahead without caution, at the expense of his own well-being?’ Zutiria offers an admittedly sound theory.

“Maybe it symbolizes that he’s a fucking dumbass,” Cherry responds with an equally valid interpretation.

After whittling down the enemy’s health for minutes straight, the repetitive traps render the Feral Satyrs completely unable to fight. They drop to the golden floor, bleating through their ball-gags in misery. The party watches in silence to make sure they don’t get a second wind.

This gets confirmed when a door magically appears at the far side of the room, and the phallic battering rams retreat back into their holes. They make a loud, clunky sound like they’ve just been locked into place.

Satisfied and ecstatic, Sam pumps her fist into the air and cheers, “We did it! Did you see us, Daddy! We didn’t even need to do anything, we’re the best at adventuring!! The BEST!”

“Yes, dear, you’re very good at standing there doing nothing,” I confirm, much to the simple Princess’s pleasure. She giggles rather cutely in response.

After sweeping the room for anything out of the ordinary and finding nothing of the sort, the Party leaves the Feral Satyrs’ embarrassing chamber behind them. They exit through the secret door into a corridor leading south and then east for a decent stretch.

The girls proceed into the next chamber to find a suspicious display. Rather than the walls and floor being lined with gold, this room looks like a luxurious palace bedroom. Indeed, three large white beds with pink pillows lie in a row to the north, and a steaming hot bathtub big enough for at least ten people sits to the south.

This room is comforting and friendly, which sets off a million different alarms all at the same time. The only thing that seems normal is a locked door to the east, meaning there’s some way to progress that we aren’t currently sure of.

“Aw heck yeah! Daddy, looks like it’s nap time! Can I have a bath first? The water looks so waaaaaarm-” Sam sighs in a hazy, dream-like tone before walking towards the bed.

“Wait, Sam. Let me think.”

Sam stops advancing towards the bed and smiles a vapid smile. “Ok, Daddy! I’m not good at thinking, so I’m so happy when you do it for me, ehehe!”

Meri and Zutiria exchange concerned looks at each other while Snow giggles to my left.

“This doesn’t look right, nyaa.” Peri leans into the screen from over my shoulder. “Search for traps?” She asks, using the closeness to nuzzle into my neck.

I give her a loving scratch and nod. “You heard the kitty, Sam. Poke shit with your sword and see if you can set anything off.”

“Will do!” Sam salutes the air and draws her sword.

She walks over to the bathtub, first, breathing in the scent of the warm and bubbly bathwater. The loopy Princess then stabs into the tub with her sword, and an unearthly screech is heard right afterward. Lifting her blade out of the tub, she reveals a strange-looking squid monster with unnerving, explicitly shaped tentacles.

I don’t recognize whatever exact species this creature is. Still, the gist of what it is happens to be easily surmisable.

“Kyah! Look at this, Daddy! It’s a wiggly squiggly dick thingy!” She laughs while looking at the odd creature skewered at the end of her weapon.

‘Kyah’? What the fuck is kyah? I’ve never heard Sam make such a sound in my life.

Judging from the shape of this creature’s appendages, the implications of what would have happened if they stripped and went inside are apparent.

“Really?” I sigh. “Dungeons with rape traps rarely exist in real life. They’re mostly the stuff of fiction...”

‘You knew the risks that come with sending us to the giant gold penis castle, Sir.’

“Good point...”

“I-I like reading about that kinda stuff, but I don’t ever want it to happen for real...” Meri frows as she watches the last throes of life leave the squid. It soon dies from bleeding out, covering the bathwater in its ichor.

“Might want to poke the beds, too, at any rate.” Snow suggests.

“Ok, pretty kitty!” After releasing the dead squid into the bathwater, Sam follows the command of the older maid. Running over to the three beds, the Princess stabs down hard on the leftmost mattress. 

The furniture screams in pain, as furniture so often does.

Jokes aside, the impaled bed begins writhing in pain. Blood begins to pool from the middle, and when Sam pulls back on her sword, it becomes lifeless, as a bed should.

Rather than wait for their turn, the middle and right mattresses spring to life and fold in on themselves. Rows of sharp, uneven teeth jut out from top and bottom, and their pink pillows now resemble a human tongue.

“Mimics...” I note, judging the enemy up.

“Mimics a-aren’t just treasure chests?” Meri asks while running forward and stabbing the mattress monster on the right repeatedly with her sword until it dies, crying out in pain.

“Treasure Mimics make up the overwhelming majority of the species, but there are variants. Beds, wardrobes, dressers, nightstands... anything that would make you lower your guard, really. Toilet mimics are particularly noteworthy for their high fatality rate. Once you sit down, it’s already too late...”

“Gross! That’s nasty, Daddy! Pft. Nasty Daddy.” Sam laughs at her own simple joke before splitting the remaining Mimic in half right as it jumps up to try and bite her.

“Indeed. Is that everything, then?” I ask the adventurers while scanning the deceptive, cozy-looking room for anything that seems out of place.

Before they can answer, the locked door unlocks and clears that question right up.

“W-Wow...! We got through these rooms really fast...!” Meri sighs with relief. 

‘I assume we’re getting closer to the end.’ Zutiria lets out a weary sigh, ignoring that she contributed nothing for the last two rooms, and took a lengthy mid-dungeon nap. She has no reason to be tired, but whatever.

“Already?!” Sam whines. “But there’s so much cool and funny stuff here! And I get to hang out with everyone, too!”

“We can all hang out when you come home, Sam. Focus.” I tell her and watch as she gives me yet another random salute before leading the party past the next door into whatever lies in wait...