Well, if the admins have given me a way out of hopelessness, I might as well revamp my plans for revenge. I've got to get in the fairy's good graces, though, to make the backstabbing all the sweeter.

"Okay," I said, jumping to my feet. "Let's get started! What do I do first?"

The fairy tutted as she flew closer to my face. She wagged a finger the length of my pinkie nail at me. <You can't just strut off and do things without first checking what you've gotten! The first rule of being a sect leader is to always make sure you check your gains before you use them. You never know when there might be some hidden backlash in that special move you just learned!>

"Fine, fine," I relented. "Tell me what to do."

<I was getting to that! So impatient, these mortals. First, open up your cultivation information and focus on your skills to learn about them.>

I followed her instructions, pulling up that familiar screen, and staring at the two skills at the bottom of it. Furrowing my brow, I thought hard at [Identify Cultivator]. Tell me what you do.

After multiple seconds of nothing happening, another screen slowly forced its way into existence.

⌈[Identify Cultivator]

Skill Use: Observe a cultivator's information. The amount of information observed depends on the difference between the user and the target's cultivation stage.

Cost: None⌋

"So this skill is practically useless," I huffed. "Since I'm still mortal!"

<You never know where your cultivation method might take you,> the fairy replied, patting my ear.

"I suppose..."

⌈[Summon Qi Condensation Cultivator - R1]

Skill Use: Summon a Qi Condensation Cultivator for your sect. Rank 1 only allows the summoning of Rank 1 Qi Condensation cultivators.

Cost: 1 Spirit Object (Weapon, Herb, Plant, et cetera) per Rank 1 Qi Condensation cultivator⌋

"This is much more useful!"

The fairy agreed. <This is a much faster way of gathering disciples. Luckily, this area is flush with qi, so there are plenty of spirit herbs around to collect.>

I barely understood any of the terms she used. I vaguely remember a yoga instructor I used to date talking about qi and spiritual energies, but that relationship didn't last long and I made a good effort trying to purge her craziness from my mind.

If only I knew that crazy lingo of Becky's would come in handy today, I thought. But at least I can leech information out of the fairy until it's time for her to go.

"What is qi?" I asked. "And spirit herbs? Are they, like, regular herbs but with spirits? Is cilantro going to haunt me in this forest?"

The fairy groaned. <You really don't know anything about cultivation, do you?>

Way to rub it in. "Do I have to repeat that?"

She rolled her eyes. <Qi is the energy that exists in all things. That's what cultivators use to get stronger and eventually reach immortality. Spirit herbs are plants that have become saturated with the natural elemental qi that resides in the environment.> Beating her wings, she flew up a few feet and spread out her arms, turning slowly in a circle until she was facing me again. <This place,> she continued, <is full of earth and wood qi. There's a little water somewhere nearby - perhaps from a river - but the amount of earth and wood qi here should get you a good amount of spiritual herbs with that affinity.>

When she mentioned a river, I suddenly felt very thirsty. I hadn't had any water in what felt like hours; throwing up earlier didn't help either. My parched throat ached for some agua. And it wouldn't do to die from dehydration before I could enact my retribution.

"Fairy," I said, licking my lips, "where is that river?"

She frowned. <What do you need the river for? There's plenty of good spirit herbs right here!>

I waved dismissively. "I don't care about the herbs! But I'm thirsty and kind of hungry, too."

<Thirsty-oh.> The fairy groaned and slapped her forehead. <Your mortal needs are going to be a pain to keep track of. Come along; it's just a half of a mile this way.>

She zipped over my head, her wings carrying her southeast. Despite her speedy flight, I only had to jog to catch up to her. Of course, my way was obstructed by upturned roots, hidden rocks, and generally just forestness. I was just getting into a steady rhythm when I tripped and careened toward a particularly sharp stone jutting out of the ground. Before I could crack my head open, a tree caught me.

A tree...caught me.

I stared at the wooden claw that hooked itself into the collar of my sweatshirt. The stretched-out branch attached to it slowly retracted, pulling me back along with it. At first, I thought it was just helping me stand up straight. But then it started pulling me into the air.

"Uh, fairy?" I called. My feet were a good two feet off of the ground and rising faster the closer I got to the trunk of the tree. "A little help here?"

She halted in her flight and spun around. She was facing the ground, though, and not me, now at about five feet in the air. <Where are you?> she said. Then she looked up.

Her wings stopped beating for a quick second and she plummeted toward the ground before catching herself. Shaking off the shock, she flew up and above my dangling body. As she passed by, I saw her hands spark and crackle. They caught fire when she reached the branch that held me.

Whatever the thing that held me in its clutches was paused as if it sensed the fiery fairy nearby. In the corner of my, I caught a glimpse of another branch inching toward her. "Fairy," I said.

<Don't worry, I see it,> she said, her voice grim. <Duck your head, though. This thing is about to burn.>

She raised her hands and grinned maniacally. The raging blue fire around her palms grew, encasing her entire appendage with its flame. The tree monster tried to spear her with a descending branch, but she smacked it away with a powerful slap. I winced when a muted screech came from somewhere inside the trunk.

Then she slammed her hands onto the branch that held me. The tree monster roared, not bothering to hide its pain or save my ears from its blood-curdling shriek. Meanwhile, the blue fire raced up and down the branch, spreading rapidly as it consumed the bark fuel. Unluckily for me, the tree refused to release me.

The heat of the fire burned at the back of my head. Whatever magic the fairy used to summon these flames made it hot.

I craned my head backward, trying to get a good gauge for how long I had to wait for my impending fiery doom. The fire burned just a foot away from reaching me, eating away the distance fast.

"You couldn't have just cut it or something?" I yelled, struggling to make my getaway.

<Sorry!> the fairy yelled back. She stayed where she was, shrugging unhelpfully at my predicament.

I yanked my head forward, aiming to dislodge the claw in my shirt. I heard the tree monster groan and stopped to see what was happening. The flames had jumped down its trunk and burned away a good third of it. My own branch was nearly out of not-on-fire space; that didn't spell a good end for me.

I tugged harder on the claw, forcing my body to swing back and forth. Just when I thought it wouldn't work, I felt myself starting to slide a little ways off. I made a semi-hurling motion and yanked my body off of the claw - just in time for the blue flame to consume the rest of the branch.

Falling eight feet to the ground wasn't so bad; I managed not to butcher the landing and rolled far away from the burning tree monster. I laid there, mentally and physically exhausted from the whole ordeal. The tree monster's horrid screeches and moans slowly died down, as did the crackling of the blue fire.

I'll be having nightmares about that thing for a long time coming.

The fairy floated over to me, obviously pleased with herself. I didn't share her enthusiasm; her flames almost killed me as well. But I didn't say anything, focusing on trying to still my beating heart.

<So!> she exclaimed, putting her hands confidently on her hips. <Did I save you or what?>

I cracked one eye open, grunted, and shut it.

<Okay, yeah, that was a little close. I keep forgetting you're mortal; most users I train are a little more fire-resistant.>

"...You're going to get me killed one day."

<Pshaw! Just try not to get attacked by any more Stationary Ents and you might not get burned!>

I groaned and turned onto my stomach. "How many of those things are there in this forest?"

<Hmm...I can't tell. There's so much qi in the air that it's fogging up my senses. Just try and stay away from the trees?>

"I'll try," I mumbled into the dirt.

<Um, do you still want to get to that river?>

"Give me a minute please, fairy."

<I'm not a fairy! But fine...You can take a five-minute break and then we need to start summoning some disciples.>

"Mmph."