“What do you mean, you killed him?” I stared at the cowering little girl with a slow-rising fury. She was kneeling in front of him in a dogeza position, squirming uneasily.

 

“That’s, well...hehe...you know.” She looked away.

 

“I’m serious here, man. No bullshit. I know your traitorous ass has been trying to off me, and you got him involved. So explain everything. Right now. Otherwise I swear to all the gods and devils in heaven and earth I’ll strip you naked and impregnate you right here!” I threatened menacingly.

 

The girl went full panic mode, not at all doubting me. Which I found quite insulting to be honest. “He was trying to kill you, so I had to stop him, okay?! I-It wasn’t my fault, you’re the one who made him like that! You damn plague!”

 

I flipped over the table nearest me. “You were trying to kill me, asshole! He was part of your group! Why the fuck would you off him for what you were both trying to accomplish in the first place!”

 

The house had been abandoned by those whom were left behind by the rest of us, so now it was just me, Baz, Vera, Mary, Evie, Minerva and a gagged Sister Agnes off to the side. They were all watching this unfold. In particular, Vera had a slightly thoughtful look on her face. Only I could tell, though.

 

“I was not trying to kill you.” Baz puffed out his(her) chest and spoke with utmost indignation. “Hmph, I’m the one who’d been keeping your life as peaceful as it had been up to now. Sure, I let them annoy you a bit...but that’s all! I wasn’t intending to kill you until I turned into a girl. Which I’m still figuring out how to undo, by the way!” She folded her arms and clicked her tongue. “I don’t know why you’re so mad over it, either. I was just doing what you told me to. Well, my last minute intent to kill you for aside”

 

“What? What the hell are you getting at?”

 

“Oh like you don’t know! You’re just playing dumb again. I know you. Know what, next time get someone else to do it! I hate clandestine operations!”

I squinted at her. “Vee, do you understand? I’m drawing a blank here.”

 

The other girl tapped her chin. “I think I somewhat understand, yes…” She walked over. “If I’m not mistaken, you’re saying you were leading a group of some sort under the Young Master’s orders?”

“Isn’t that obvious?”

“And this group was...hostile...towards the Young Master?”

“He built up a lot of enemies.” He confirmed. “They showed up at the Estate one day and he told me ‘deal with them’, so I did!”

 

What? Did I really say that? Now that I think of it...I vaguely recall a bunch of brats laying siege to my house once, yeah. Did I actually…? No, regardless, the way he handled it was too crazy!

 

And Vera seemed to agree. “Which you took to mean organizing them under your leadership.” The girl raised a brow as if to say, Seriously?

 

“How else would I keep them in line?” The girl huffed. “Well, I also used them to annoy the Young Master. He’s always pulling on my stem, so he deserves it!” She yelled, very self-righteously. I wanted to pull on that damn thing right now. The nerve of this chick! She’d caused so many headaches!

 

“Whatever. Anyway from what I gather this group later included Alex, but something changed and they started seriously going after him or some such thing. Which meant you had to step in and take action to stop them, even though later you tried to do the same as them due to your gender change? In fear of the Young Master making you his woman if he was left alive.”

“I am no one’s cookie slut!” The girl was nearly foaming at the mouth as she screamed that statement.

 

Vera knelt down in front of him. “....You’re the leader of the Alliance, aren’t you?” She said, coming to the conclusion I’d already realized myself.

 

“Well, yeah?”

 

That’s it. The admission of guilt I needed.

 

A shadow jumped at her. Of course, it was me. “So it was you who organized them! You son of a…” I coughed and quickly corrected what I was about to say. “You bastard! I’m going to pull that thing off today, dammit!” I roared, wrestling her to the ground and grabbing the girl’s ahoge between both hands.

 

“No, get off of me! You rogue, you villain!” She struggled, pouding at my chest. “G-Get away, damn you! Your breath stinks!”

“Oh yeah? Well what does it smell like then?!”

“....Pussy!” She snapped back. I snorted.

 

“That’s not even a good insult. Like let’s be honest here, if you’re gonna make fun of me for my breath reeking of pussy, the least you could do is ask your mom to wash herself first, alright? I am not the one at fault here, my guy.”

 

From the corner of my eye I saw Mary twitch and mutter to herself with a cross look between her brows. Meanwhile Vera had puffed up cheeks like she was struggling to keep something in.

 

“What?! You...You...!” Baz sputtered. “Ah, it hurts! Stop, stop! Mother, help!”

 

“Don’t you bring her into this!”

“You did that!”

I ignored her.“If I don’t punish you, who will?! As your father it’s my responsibility to--”

“AHHHH JUST SHUT UP, SHUT UUUUUUUPPPPP!!!” She started screaming hysterically.

 

“Alright, alright...calm down, you two. Honestly.” Mary stepped in. Her tone of voice was riddled with exasperation. “Da--Young Master, let him go.”

 

I immediately released her. Baz, on the other hand, turned even more panicked. “Since when are you on a first name basis with him?!” She cried. “Even if you two...do that...don’t tell me you’re actually starting to also….f-for him…”

 

His mother shook her head. “Of course not. He’s simply…” She trailed off, suddenly seemed very unsure. “He’s just…” She stopped and turned to me. “Nothing.” The woman finished monotonously. “He’s my mistress’ son. That’s all.”

I held a hand to my heart. “Oof. That hurts. It really does.” I said, not at all minding her words.

 

“...And how dare you call yourself my child’s father? Young Master, our relationship--”

“ I plan to marry you at this point.“ I interrupted. “So be quiet and patiently wait to be seduced.”

Her lips parted in surprise.

 

“Oh please.” Vera rolled her eyes. “You knew he wasn’t going to just let you go so stop looking so startled.”

 

“I just don’t like how it’s assumed I can’t leave anytime I want.”

“Would you?”

“...”

“You’re enjoying yourself and you know it, so please drop the act.”

 

The woman sighed, “Forget it, my actions so far work against my favor here anyway.”

 

“Mother, but why?” Baz still struggled to accept reality. “Letting yourself be talked about and treated this way, it’s insane!”

 

Mary tilted her head up slightly in consideration. “Ah, well, you know...it is somewhat annoying, but at the same time it isn’t so bad, actually.” Her tone turned wistful. “I know he respects me, so anything degrading he may say regarding me just feels like foreplay.” She paused. “I don’t know why I just admitted that to you. What’s wrong with me?”

 

“Oh nice!” Pleasantly surprised, I let out an exclamation. “It’s alright, that just means the training is kicking in.”

 

“...Training. What? What nonsense are you on about now?” She was back to rubbing her nose. “I swear, dealing with you is too stressful and it always makes me so horny. It’s like my body is telling me it needs to release the tension and wants me to be prepared.” She paused. “Oh. Gods. Seriously,  what’s wrong with me?” A faint look of concern.

 

“Don’t worry, you’re just becoming more open with what you want.” I reassured her. “ That’s the training I was talking about, see? Or what, did you think we were just having sex?”

“....Were we not?”

I snorted. “Hell no. I carefully prodded each and every honest reaction out of you to make it a habit.” I revealed. “ Vera was also the same, it took a while for her to tell me what she liked. Well, she still isn’t very honest with things outside of bedroom activities though.”

“AH, ENOUGH, I DON’T WANT TO HEAR ANYMORE OF THIS, DAMMIT!” Baz writhed on the ground in pain whilst cradling her head.

 

I promptly kicked her. “Shut up. Traitor.”

 

“Fuck you! Batard! I should be praised instead! I worked hard, okay? They really wanted to just knock down your doors and slaughter you, but I always held them back! And you repay my efforts like this? By seducing my own mother? You’re scum, just scum! Go die!”

“Fucking hell, dude. Calm down. You know you’ll always be my favorite little cookie s--”

“DIE!”

I chuckled. Yeah, feel the pain of having your mother fucked by your best friend, you traitor! I want you to suffer!

 

I really was quite miffed by him, so I didn’t at all care about using my relationship with Mary against him. Maybe with this he will feel one-tenth of my suffering at the hands of those annoying brats.

 

All this time it was him working behind the scenes to piss me off. I really didn’t expect this...but damn. You think you know a guy. Those Alliance assholed had been such headaches these past few years and the number of their offenses against me were innumerable.

 

It was petty stuff mostly. But still. I kinda wish they would have really knocked down my door instead. Woulda been fun killing them after all the shit they pulled. They’re the reason my reputation is so scummy! My own crap personality may also have something to do with it, but they made it worse! I’m a chill guy, okay? I’m good if you’re good. But they just kept on pestering me, so of course I don’t pull my punches. Y’all don’t know how bad it is because I’ve either stayed home most of the time or was out crusading under an assumed identity recently, but if I went to a banquet or openly passed through a major city in the Kingdom?

 

You wouldn’t believe all the shit I have to deal with. Noble brats were everywhere in places like those. In fact they’d even hired groups of bandits to try and rough me up in the past. I still have a hit out on me along certain popular bandit routes. Not only that, the Nobles sons use their parents to ban me from most of the best bars, gambling dens and fighting rings under their sphere of influence. I can’t buy any drugs because of them either. Which is why I was so overjoyed at Uncle Llyr’s parting gift.

 

So yes. Being barred from the most popular and entertaining establishments of most cities within the Kingdom, and being unable to purchase drugs to boot...made me quite sour indeed.

 

I was banned from a lot of the worse gambling dens too, now that I’m thinking about it. I don’t know if I ever mentioned that before, but hell even Will refused to allow me to come with him on outings for a long time because of that. Supposedly I was always “suspiciously lucky” so the owners ended up throwing us out.

 

In fact the only person I lose games to is Dolly, funnily enough. Memories of our last boardgame session resurfaced.

 

Yandere Imouto...motherfucker, I made the damn game. How the hell did I lose?! Why didn’t I know about that move, dammit?! So annoying…

 

Wait. Fuck. Was that a bad omen that I missed back then? Hm...

 

“Tch! Everything changed when Alex joined. I’m glad I killed him. You know, I thought he’d just be another thorn in your side, which would have been fun to watch, but he wanted to hunt you down since day one. Kept bugging about, “why aren’t we doing something about him? He’s evil!” and gathering allies. That guy caused a schism, you know! A schism!” Baz complained loudly, venting her frustrations. “ I couldn’t let him keep that up. Especially not after Vee finally confessed to you! So I had to kill him. He wouldn’t stop otherwise. And I’m not risking Vee being unhappy if he actually managed to kill you. No sir.”

 

Vera’s face didn’t move but it did start turning a light pink. “Fool.” She muttered. “Who asked you to be so considerate of me? And how did you even know that I--?”

“You keep a drawing of him under your pillow. Do you think I’m stupid, huh? Don’t answer that. I feel bad enough already.”

 

The girl sputtered. “I most certainly do not! Stop spreading bullshit!” She gave him(her) a firm kick, just like I had moments before.

 

“Well if you don’t that’s probably only because your room got destroyed, for one, and second because you dont need it anymore either. But I bet you still keep a few ‘treasures’ hidden somewhere. All those sweaty underwear and used spoons. Didn’t you even cut off a chunk of hair from him once and make it into a little doll to sleep wi--” All of a sudden Baz got her face kicked in.

“SHUT UP! SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UUUUUUPPPP!!!”

 

I winced.

 

Satan’s nutsack! I’ve never seen Vera act so wild! She’s literally foaming at the mouth! I was completely stunned as I watched her make a mess of her own brother(sister). “Young Master, help!” Baz whimpered miserably.

 

Nigaa what the hell do you expect me to do? I ain’t getting in the middle of this. Vera looks about ready to kill.

 

It took about five minutes of merciless beating but eventually she did stop. By the end she was panting heavily with hands slightly swollen and red from the force with which she punched. She took a moment to calm her breathing.

 

It was with a wary gaze that I looked at Vera fix her dress, re-do her hair, and revert back to a prim and proper maid once more. The near instantaneous transformation of the wild beast from moments ago to this elegant and composed young woman was, indeed, unnerving

 

“Young Master, pay no attention to her deranged ramblings. I can assure you that I never once conducted myself in such a shameless and uncouth manner.” She coolly stated.

 

“Vee. Stop. Just...stop.” I shook my head.

 

“No, really, I--”

 

“It’s okay. I understand.” She’s one too.

 

A yandere…

 

Eh. At least she’s not a violent one. Mostly. A bit obessive, sure, but in a cute way? Probably? And at least I know why I’d wake up with missing hair sometimes. I thought I was losing it early! It was one of my worst fears, actually. Imagine me, bald before 15.

 

“Why didn’t you help me?” A sniffling Baz asked her mother.

 

“You tried to kill your Master and revealed one of your sister’s most shameful secrets. What’s more, because of you I was used as a way to make you suffer and It was quite degrading. You deserved a bit of a beating.”

 

“But--”

“Moving on,” I stopped him before he could start some rant about injustice, .“So why’d you send those assassins after me later on then? Didn’t you say you were trying to stop my untimely demise? What changed?” I mean I could guess why but I wanted to hear it.

 

A sour look was turned my way. “Are you kidding? I love Vee, but I’ve also seen you bathe. I like my asshole right as it is, thank you very much. Since I’m so unbelievably hella cute now, no way am I taking any chances.” The girl, who was decidedly not cute at the moment due to her red and blue face, spoke with an unmatched arrogance.

“Fair enough.” I shrugged. When not beaten up she really was very cute just like Vera was at that age. Ah. I guess she’s the same age as Baz...her body is just dummy thiccc now.

 

“Right? Like you always say, Young Master, gotta look out for number one.”

 

I nodded. “Baz. You’re an idiot. Your thought process is seriously fucked.” No one say a word. I understand the irony. “ You deserve no less than a hundred cock-slaps across the face for your stupidity, disloyalty, and assumption that I’d even want your boney ass to begin with when you know damn well I’m not into kids. Fuck you, and I hope you step on a lego. Now, if you’ll excuse me I have to go frame someone for the murder of Alex so that his mother doesn’t try to castrate me.”

 

***

“What do you mean, he’s dead?” Lucius looked at me weirdly. “Alex isn’t dead.”

I blinked. “What? Really?”

“Yeah. “ Lucius sat upon his throne lazily and began to paw at his tunic. “See?” He held up a jade pendant. “He’s perfectly healthy.”

Upon hearig this I sent an awkward glance towards the bruised-up Bronn--the mercenary I’d met during my little foray into that Barnabus bastard’s weird sex dungeon who’d wisely taken one look at me and went, “Fuck this shit, I’m out.” before I captured him and sent him to Cass to take the position of Master of Coin. Which ended up being a purely empty title and the guy instead spent his time in the barracks helping train soldiers, supposedly--and coughed. I leaned in and whispered, “Bronn, my good man. Your service here will no longer be required.”

“My fucking sacrifice, you mean?” The man spat on the floor in discontent.

 

“Yeah, that. What, you unhappy?” I glared at him, daring the man to bring up a complaint.

 

He again responded with a wisdom most petty villain characters introduced never have. “Nope. Glad to help.” He cleared his throat.

 

“Good. Vee, if you’d please.”

 

The woman stepped up and grabbed Bronn’s shoulder, whisking him back to the bar we’d tracked him down at.

 

“Wait, why did you think Alex was dead?” Dana’s keen wit picked up on the heart of the matter.

 

“What? When did I say he was dead?”

“Just now, you--”

“I remember nothing of the sort.” I smoothly cut her off.

 

Lucius frowned. “No, you clearly--”

“You two must’ve been hearing things.”

They hit me with a hard stare. “Fine. Then where is he?” Dana asked.

 

“Good question.” I pointed. “ Let’s discuss that later.”

 

“Boy, where is my son?” She demanded.

 

“Okay, bye now--” I was about to just walk off, then remembered something. “Say, where’s Claude?”

 

“Good question.” Lucius pointed. “Let’s discuss that later.”

 

I narrowed my eyes. This guy…

 

“Alright, fine. Baz killed him because he was trying to lead a group of asshats to assassinate me. Or thought she’d killed him. But apparently he’s fine, healthy as a horse. So no harm done.”

Lucy, for the first time since I saw him, looked at me with pure annoyance and repressed anger. “You’re going to explain that in more detail. Now.” Perfectly understanding his feelings, I politely agreed.

 

It took ten minutes and multiple retellings to get the whole story out. When I was finished the man rubbed the bridge of his nose. “So let me get this straight…your manservant is the guy who’d been leading the Day’s Ruin faction these past few years. Those brats?”

“Yes. I guess I told him to deal with them once and he wanted to annoy me.”

“And my son ended up joining them, later causing a schism in his desire to kill you?”

“Yup.”

“After which he and your servant went to war, resulting in what you thought was his death?”

 

“Now you’ve got it.”

The King nodded to himself and smiled. “Alright. Good. I hereby exile you.”

A silence hung in the air. “...Pardon?”

 

“Get the fuck out of my Kingdom.”

 

“Dude, what the hell. Are you serious?”

The man exploded. “My son nearly died because of you! Fucking hell, I thought you were going to be keeping an eye on him! Instead you fuck off to some school doing who knows what while he and your servant literally go to war with each other! You’re lucky your mom and dad scare me or I’d hang you from my highest tower by your nipples!” His handsome face flushed red, eyes dangerously narrowing.

 

“What about us being bros?”

“Fuck being bros.”

“...But I’m still your respected Damien-sensei, right?”

“Get out.”

 

He’ll come around.