Saturday evening found me freaking the fuck out. Okay, maybe that was an exaggeration. Frankly, it was hard to be all that bothered by much of anything lately, I’d just been generally having way too much fun on a moment to moment basis. But, insofar as things could be going poorly for me, they were. At the heart of it was Penny, and her kiss with Will. The fact that she was actively going on what now seemed to very clearly be dates with one of our roommates and had even kissed him meant that Penny was absolutely kicking my ass at being a girl. And I couldn’t have that, like, I had to prove I could be just as good as her at being a girl. 

Also, on a completely unrelated note, something about her going out with Will, decidedly without me, and like, probably doing romantic shit and kissing or whatever, kind of bothered me? Like, we always hung out on Saturdays and also we hadn’t even made out like one time since Thursday. Which, yeah, a couple days without kissing someone wasn’t really a big deal, but Will was probably getting to kiss her. And what about me, huh? I thought kissing me was part of the prank too, or whatever. It’s not that I was jealous or anything, it’s just like, we were supposed to be in this together and also yeah, okay, fine, I liked kissing her, so what? I was allowed to like her—to like kissing her. Kissing her. I liked kissing her. Cause she was pretty and kissing pretty people is good. And nothing else about that was worth considering. Yes.

On top of all that, I kept thinking about April first, the day the prank was revealed. What, exactly, would happen? Were we just going to tell Will and Rachel about the prank, have a good laugh and turn back? That fucking sucked. I wanted to spend more time as a girl. Obviously I had good reasons for wanting to stay as a girl, too. Like, right now I was stuck fixating on the prank and the bet; maybe it would be cool to just get to, you know, spend time as a girl normally? 

So anyway, the point is, I was freaking out. Or maybe quietly spiraling. Also feeling lonely, which made me feel really touch-starved. And maybe, sort of, kind of, definitely looking for some opportunity to step things up regarding our little contest. Specifically, to step it up in a way that might match Penny’s own escalation. But what the hell was I supposed to do about that? How could I possibly find a way to do anything of the sort cooped up in the apartment like this? There were like, no options at all to do something like that. I huffed in frustration. 

“What’s the matter?” Rachel asked, casually looking up from her book. At least she’d been keeping me company on this particular lazy evening. It had kind of been hard to actually talk to her lately; for the most part any time she talked to me all she got in reply was a stammering, disjoined mess. And I definitely was not going to talk to her about this particular problem; if I so much as mentioned a desire to find a girl to like, kiss or whatever, she’d tease me till I passed out from poor blood circulation everywhere but my cheeks. I took a deep breath to center myself. It was fine, I just needed to deflect the question. No problem at all, it was gonna be easy, even. She wasn’t gonna make me stammer and blush. Nope. Not this time. I was gonna come up with the perfect excuse. And completely on the fly too, that was one of the perks of having a good brain that was great at improvising and adapting. 

“Oh, uh nothing. Just, like, uhh, g-girl stuff. Y’know, ‘cause I’m a girl. You w-wouldn’t understand. Wait. I mean, um. No. I mean trans girl stuff, stuff specifically only applies to that, and that you wouldn’t understand.” Hell yeah, nailed it.

“Oh? Try me. You might be surprised.” Fuck. I really needed to get out of this conversation, and don’t get me wrong, Rachel was great and all, but I had a problem to solve and talking to Rachel wasn’t going to get me anywhere closer to solving it. Then the perfect excuse came to me.

“Oh, sorry, I um, I have to go. ‘Cause, y’see, well, my period just started.” Satisfied with my masterstroke, I stood up from the couch, and began to scurry away. 

“What? What are you ta—”

“Gotta go!” I called over my shoulder, then, as I wasn’t looking I tripped on the little step leading from our sunken living room into the kitchen and beyond, and face planted. Lying on the floor, I began to silently pray that the carpet would just open up and swallow me whole. Unfortunately, though, that technology hadn’t been invented, yet.

“Heather, what the fuck has gotten into you?” Rachel called in an exhausted voice as she picked herself up off the couch to help me up.

“Um, eggs? Wait no, that’s what’s going out of me?”

“Heather, you’re not on your period, you haven’t been a woman long enough for your cycle to reach that stage.” Damn, how could she have seen through my brilliant ploy? I sighed, and turned over onto my back, taking her hand as she pulled me up. Which kind of made my legs weak, cause wow, she was really strong, she could probably throw me around like a rag-doll and oops, my legs gave out and I was collapsing forward into her. She did her best to stand me up properly, then guided me back to the couch and lay me down. “Okay, for real, what’s going on?” 

For a moment, I considered trying to weasel out of this conversation, but after my recent attempt and colossal failure, I decided to be up front. Besides, maybe she could actually help with this problem. Then it hit me, and I realized what an idiot I’d been. Of course Rachel could help me. She was literally gay, how could I have forgotten about that? She’d been flirting with me non-stop. She was actually, as it turned out, perfect for helping me solve this problem. I took a deep breath, and swallowed hard, hoping my pride went down with it. “Hey Rachel, can I get your help with something?” 

She smiled kindly. “Of course, Heather, what’s bothering you?”

“Um, let’s just say, hypothetically, I uh, I wanted to like, y’know, have, uh, relations with someone now that I’m a girl.” For the millionth time this past week or so, my cheeks flushed a bright vibrant pinkish-red.

A gleam came to Rachel’s eye; suddenly she looked like a cat toying with a mouse before finishing it off. Did that make me the mouse? “Oh, relations you say? And you say you want my help? Just what could I possibly do to help my poor, sweet, cutie of a roommate?” she purred. 

About five minutes later, once I was finally able to speak somewhat coherently again, I tried my best to formulate a proper response. “W-well, y’see, um. You’re, well, gay and stuff. And I know you have a lot of experience with this sort of thing, so I was hoping that…” She raised an expectant eyebrow as I trailed off, seeming to know exactly what I was about to ask her. And somehow that actually made it kind of easier to ask her. I took a deep breath, and composed myself. “Well, I was hoping that maybe you could set me up with one of your friends or something.” Phew, that wasn’t so hard, actually. I looked to Rachel, who looked to me, her face seemingly frozen in a mask of confusion that seemed to be the personification of that little loading circle for Internet videos.

“Uh, what?” she finally managed to choke out.

“You’re friends, like, you know, lots of gay women probably, so maybe one of them would want to go out with me? I-it doesn’t have to be anything serious, actually, I’d prefer it not be, but if you could set me up with one of them it would be nice.” Suddenly a look of pure, distilled understanding crossed Rachel’s face. She nodded insistently a few times, then a few times more, seemingly mouthing something to herself, then met my gaze.

“I think I finally understand. I mean, it was kind of obvious from the start, actually, but it took me ‘til now to fully realize just how bad it was.”

“Y-you do?” Fear crept into my tone, just what did she finally understand? Oh god, had she figured out that I was actually not a girl at all, just a guy who had always fantasized about being a girl, loved being in a girl’s body, loved doing girly stuff, loved being seen and treated like a girl, and loved going by a girl’s name and pronouns? If she had, this could be really, really bad.

“Yeah, you’re like, completely useless.” 

I blinked at her, taking in the information, my eyes started to water. “Whuh? I’m not useless. I’m good at plenty of things, that’s like a really mean thing to say to someone.” 

Rachel slumped forward in what looked like utter defeat, drilling her palm into her forehead. “No, not like that, like, you’re a useless lesbian?”

“What does me being a lesbian have to do with uselessness?”

“Oh my god, look, just let me—” Without another word, she grabbed me by the shirt collar and pulled me into an absolutely earth-shattering kiss. I absolutely collapsed backward at the sheer electric energy of it, and, in turn, Rachel crawled atop me, devouring me with that primal gaze of hers and swallowing each little yelp and moan she elicited from me. When she finally pulled away, I was left absolutely slack-jawed and glassy-eyed with awe and confusion. There was also this weird tight feeling in my chest that was really uncomfortable and I couldn’t figure out what it — “Heather, sweetie you need to breathe.” Oh. I took a gasping breath and, yep, that tightness went away and phew, did that really all just happen? “Yes, it did.” Wait, did I say that out loud? “Yes, you did. You said that out loud too.”

“Oh.”

“There’s not a lot going on up there these days, is there?” She giggled, running a hand affectionately through my hair, causing me to involuntarily coo as my eyelids fluttered and I reflexively leaned into her touch. Then I realized what she’d just said.

“Hey! I think about lots of stuff!” I shot back in a petulant pout.

“Oh yeah? Like what?” If I were a bolder woman—man, total bro dudley male man dude of Guysville, New Mannington—I would have leaned up and wiped that arrogant little smirk right off her hot, sexy mouth. I wasn’t, though, and instead elected for a more pragmatic answer.

“Stuff like, y’know, girl stuff. Being a girl.” Oof, that was not the most convincing of answers, was it? To my surprise though, Rachel’s look softened a little, and she leaned back, just a little, so she wasn’t so much as looming over me as she was, well, sitting on me.

“Yeah,” she said soberly. “Yeah, I guess that makes sense. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m really happy for you, but I know it can be a lot to think about at times. Maybe be a little overwhelming, too.” She stroked my cheek softly, “is that why you’ve been so quiet this evening?” 

“I guess so, yeah. Like, Penny has been spending a lot of time with Will lately, so I feel kinda lonely without her. And also, I keep thinking about having to turn back and—”

“Hey.” She said, cupping my chin. Oh shit, I’d just said the quiet part out loud, hadn’t I? I quickly tried to squirm out of her grasp and look anywhere else. “Heather,” she called, softly, but with a certain caring sternness to it. My eyes snapped up. “You’re not going to turn back. I know how scary it can be at first, but nobody is taking this away from you, I promise.” I breathed a sigh of relief, and relaxed a little under her, my secret was safe, for now. And, even though she clearly didn’t realize the full extent of the context, it was nice to hear her say I wouldn’t have to turn back, in a reassuring kind of way. 

“Thanks,” I murmured.

“Of course, you’ve got a lot going on and, well, in the beginning it can feel overwhelming and not entirely real, maybe like you don’t deserve it. But you only feel that way because what’s normal and right for you, what always should have been, had to be given to you. And I promise that feeling goes away, with time.” Wow, Rachel was being so nice to me, and also, fuck, she was looming over me, my face in her hands, staring at me intensely. She probably didn’t mean to look hot right now, but she totally did. All of those thoughts, however, were superseded by another.

“Hey, how come you know so much about trans stuff?” I asked.

She giggled, and playfully rolled her eyes a little. “Gee, I dunno, what kind of person knows a lot about what it’s like to be trans?”

Oh, oh shit! I actually knew this one, at least, I had an idea. “Uh, a really good ally?” That answer made a lot of sense to me, at least. I certainly had spent a long time researching trans stuff and learning what being trans was like when I found out one of my classmates who I thought was really pretty and kind of had a crush on was trans. It was really interesting stuff, actually, and really helped me support her. We lost touch eventually, though. But that was fine, I kept learning more about trans stuff after that cause I just found it really interesting, And also to be a good ally in the future, of course.

“Oh my god, you know what you sound like?” she asked, her every word bursting with mirth.

“What?” I asked.

“It’s just, some of the shit you say makes you sound like a really, really dense egg,” she giggled.

“What’s an egg? Assuming you’re not talking about the thing chicks hatch from.” 

“Well, kind of. Nevermind. But, come on, think a bit harder about it,” she urged, as if it were at all reasonable to expect me to think hard with her pressing into me like that. Speaking of things that were hard, she’d put a weird emphasis on the word harder too. I wonder why? Oh, and now that I thought about it, the way she was pressing into me felt kind of weird somehow. Her leg was at a really weird angle. That was her leg, right? It had to be, her right one was pinning my left side in place, her left one my right side in place, and her last leg was—wait. Oh. That’s what it was. I chuckled a little from how silly I’d been, then met Rachel’s gaze.

“Hey, um, this is a bit awkward. But can you take whatever’s in your pocket out? It’s digging into me kind of weirdly,” I said, giggling a little at the oddness of the situation.

Rachel gaped at me so long a bit of drool started to trickle down her lips. Was it something I said? Just as I was about to ask her again, she seemed to finally snap herself out of it. “Jesus fuck. I have a penis, you dumb little gay baby.”

Wait, what?

SapphicSounds

 

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