It was early morning, I could hear the wind and water flowing when suddenly I was shaken. I heard a childish panicked voice however she was trying to be quiet at the same time. it was weird. I was woken up. It was Ari.
“Yami, Yami!”
“... Y-yes?”
I asked in a confused voice. I was literally just woken up, I could not process anything Ari looked at me with a difficult face as if saying ‘Isn’t it obvious?!’ I am sorry Ari I do not understand, I apologized in my mind. Ari seemed to have picked up that I did not understand what she meant and started pointing at a lump on the ground. It was Aizen.
“Huh?”
Aizen was sleeping like a cat, she was pretty cute, but ‘You are human now, behave like one!’. I reprimanded her inside my head. ‘sigh’ How do I go about this. I turned to Ari. And addressed her in a serious tone.
“Ari.”
“Yes?!”
She was clearly flustered. However, at that moment I felt a hand on my shoulder it was Aizen. Ari became even more nervous when she saw her. However, she quickly became at ease when Aizen spoke in a gentle and soft voice.
“Hi, Ari was it? My name is Aizen. Yami told me a lot about you, pleased to meet you.~”
I looked at Aizen with an expression of disbelief. Who are you? What did you do to my dragon? I wanted to retort in so many ways but I decided to keep my mouth shut. While Ari was no longer nervous she had a difficult expression. She opened her mouth and declared with a childish voice.
“I don’t know who you are, but Yami is mine!”
She then proceeded to stick her tongue out. I was flustered I thought Aizen would react like something along the lines of: ‘Foolish mortal, you have made your last mistake.’ or ‘You dare disrespect me?! Die!’. However, Aizen just scratched her head with a perplexed expression. And whispered to my ear.
“Hey, Kuro. Can’t you like introduce me or something.”
“A-ah yes…”
So, she really changed huh? I turned towards Ari and looked her dead in the eyes. She flinched a little bit by that. I started speaking with a serious tone while gesturing with my hand to where Aizen was, like if I was selling a product or something.
“Ari, this is Aizen, she will be traveling with us from now on.”
“Eh.”
Ari let out a stupid voice and glanced towards Aizen with a difficult expression. She seemed mad or upset, I could not tell. She pointed her finger towards Aizen and said full of jealousy.
“What’s your relationship with Yami?”
Aizen flinched and made a difficult expression. She started scratching her head again thinking of what to say, then she suddenly turned her head towards me as if saying ‘Should I say it?’ I just nodded. Aizen spoke with a happy tone.
“We are family.”
“eh…”
Ari was completely taken aback by this. She looked at me as to confirm to which I simply nodded. She completely froze, ‘Ari.exe has stopped working.’ I made a lame joke inside my head. Ari recovered after a few seconds and went up to Aizen. Aizen was flustered by this however she did not move. Ari was checking her hands and all she saw was the black with gold ring. Ari began speaking with a confused voice and expression.
“A-Aizen, you are not a beastkin?”
Aizen was perplexed to see this and glanced at me scanning my entire body. She looked even more confused. Ari seemed to have noticed this and ran over to me in a hurry and took the [Disguise] ring from my hand. My ears and tail came out from inside my body. I shivered from the strange sensation that I will not ever get used to. Aizen looked at me with wide-open eyes.
“Ahahaha… So that’s how it was!”
She seemed to have gotten a sudden realization. Ari and I were perplexed by this. Aizen showed us her ears. They were slightly pointy, Ari was shocked and spoke instantly in a voice of the same nature.
“Half-elf?!”
Ari froze again. Aizen came over to me and started whispering in a happy tone. She also gave me back my ring, she seemed to have gotten a hold of it somehow.
“You see Kuro, I became something like a mixed dragon and human. I did not understand it at first, but looking at you I realize now.”
Ah, so that’s how it was... I still don't get it! Ari was still frozen and started muttering but I could somewhat hear it. She was saying something like ‘Beastkin and half-elf in the same family, how is this possible.’ She seemed to have reached a conclusion and turned to us. She spoke in a happy tone.
“So you and Yami are sisters?”
“”Eh.””
We both let out stupid noises. However, Ari seemed to misunderstand something and continued by asking in an excited voice.
“So, so, who is the older one?!”
Ari looked like she already knew the answer however Aizen made an evil smile as if enjoying this and pointed towards me. Ari’s eyes grew wide but seemed incredibly happy. However, she looked at me with a reproachful look, and started speaking in an angry voice containing a bit of excitement?
“Yami, why did you not tell me you had a little sister?!”
“...”
I just stayed silent. I didn't even know I had a sister myself?! How do I even tell you about it! I looked at Aizen with cold eyes, she stiffened and made a wry smile. I decided to try my best to apologize to Ari.
“Ari I am sorry.”
It was an awful attempt at an apology. However, Ari just nodded in satisfaction after hearing it and turned around. ‘I guess she can be quite childish too. Huh?’ I muttered. I saw Ari bombarding Aizen with questions such as: ‘How did you meet Yami?’. Aizen looked at me asking for help but I just sneered. She did not answer most of the questions, then I heard a troublesome question.
“Aizen, what is your class. Yami is a tamer and she is really amazing!”
Aizen looked troubled and glanced at me. I made a cross with my arms as if saying ‘Don’t say anything troublesome’ She picked up and that and answered with her usual dignified voice.
“Mage.”
Ari’s eyes sparkled and made another question full of excitement.
“What’s your level?!”
Aizen just looked at me and nodded, then spoke while looking at Ari with the same tone.
“Level 20.”
Ari’s eyes grew wide. She started praising Aizen. Aizen had a smug look on her face basically saying ‘Praise me more.’ Ari seemed to stop for a moment as if realizing something but I paid it no mind. Looks like Aizen knows what is considered “normal” in this world, but level 20 is incredibly low huh. I better ask her later. However, right now I want to hit that god damn dragon! Coaxing a little girl into praising her.
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Yes. Votes: 76 10.1%
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Maybe. Votes: 10 1.3%
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Perhaps. Votes: 20 2.7%
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I might happen to like them. Votes: 33 4.4%
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It's not like I like them or anything... B-baka. Votes: 340 45.3%
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No. Votes: 8 1.1%
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Oreo cheesecake. Votes: 263 35.1%
Yes! Dumb poll options, I can feel like I contributed without actually doing so
B-baka!
It's not I like like not like you or anything. H-hmph~!
@DonutEatingDoggo It's not like I am thankful or anything for your support... b-baka. Thanks for reading o/
@Azrie I-it's not like I wanted your attention or anything. Hmph~
Hmm... this Ari girl is acting WAY too familiar for someone who has only known Yami for about a day.
This is a serious critique BTW. You need to keep the perspective of ALL your characters more firmly in mind. Someone who has only known a person for a day is not going to be acting this attached or familiar. She would also be a lot more likely to assume Aizen was someone Yami already knew, especially with how they were interacting and with the clothing for an added clincher. Fine clothing like the items Yami gave Aizen is going to be a dead giveaway they are connected somehow.
It's more likely Ari would immediately assume Aizen is connected to Yami the second she sees her upon waking up, and would also be a lot more respectful toward Aizen. That whole possessiveness gag that was going on there is not believable at all from a logical perspective, and is a little immersion breaking for the critical reader.
There are still interesting interactions that can be had. Ari can still wake Yami up with a lot of concern, wondering "who is this?" and demanding an answer from Yami over and over again. She would be less likely to be hostile in any way toward Aizen, but feeling insulted toward Yami still fits over not being told about this other companion of hers.
I can see why you did it, it was supposed to demonstrate how Aizen's attitude had changed. However, it is very character breaking for Ari. Also, you don't actually HAVE to demonstrate this about Aizen this quickly. It may actually be better to hold this particular change under your hat for a little while in order to play up some tension for later only to have it subverted in an anti-climax when Aizen takes it as no big deal.
are you sure she isnt the person who yami/kuro gifted the obsidian rapier to as she also suffered from a terminal disease and this story involves reincarnation?
@BobMoss maybe, but with the given information, we don't know that nor does the characters.
^This , everything @Jemini said here is something I completely agree with. I'm no writer nor am I qualified to give any advice, but I can say that almost all of Ari's interactions just felt weird to me.
If Ari thinks Yami and Aizen are sisters, asking "How did you meet Yami?" seems like a really strange question to ask
She thinks Yami adopted Aizen or vice-versa. I did not want to explicitly mention it though.
@Azrie she had a whole confusion gag going on with the ‘Beast-kin and half-elf in the same family, how is this possible.’ so it's understandable that it is confusing.
Praise the Lord!!! We have dumb poll choice answers. Hallelujah!!!?
Oreo ... cheesecake
Ah, I expected his old friend to become his sister not the dragon. I hope we meet her some day.
I don't think I've had an Oreo cheesecake, I think I would prefer a strawberry one with strawberry syrup
difficult expression
This tends to be used a bit too often. I get what you're doing with this, but you could diversify how you express difficulty.
I asked in a confused voice. I was literally just woken up, I could not process anything Ari looked at me with a difficult face as if saying 'Isn't it obvious?!' I am sorry Ari I do not understand, I apologized in my mind.
I asked, clearly confused. I was literally just woken up, and thanks to that I could not process anything. Ari looked at me with a frowny face as if saying, 'Isn't it obvious?!' I am sorry, Ari. I do not understand, I apologized in my mind.
I looked at Aizen with an expression of disbelief. Who are you? What did you do to my dragon? I wanted to retort in so many ways but I decided to keep my mouth shut. While Ari was no longer nervous she had a difficult expression. She opened her mouth and declared with a childish voice.
I looked at Aizen with an expression of disbelief. Who are you? What did you do to my dragon? I wanted to retort in so many ways, but I decided to keep my mouth shut. While Ari was no longer so nervous she'd put on a contentious expression. She opened her mouth and declared with a childish voice.
Ari let out a stupid voice and glanced towards Aizen with a difficult expression. She seemed mad or upset, I could not tell. She pointed her finger towards Aizen and said full of jealousy.
Ari let out a stupid voice and glanced towards Aizen. She seemed mad or upset, I could not for sure tell which. She pointed her finger towards Aizen and said full of jealousy.
Aizen flinched and made a difficult expression. She started scratching her head again thinking of what to say, then she suddenly turned her head towards me as if saying 'Should I say it?' I just nodded. Aizen spoke with a happy tone.
Aizen flinched and her face reflected indecisiveness. She started scratching her head again thinking of what to say, then she suddenly turned her head towards me as if asking, 'Should I say it?' I just nodded. Aizen spoke with a happy tone.
On another note, the dialogue beats need to be used more effectively. You'll see paragraphs ending with a beat that says that the next character is going to speak, but these really should be handled differently.
Aizen said with a happy tone, "We are family."
Another reader pointed out that the dialogue that are missing these beats can make scenes with more than two speakers very fuzzy. It becomes more apparent here. We can read between the lines and guess at who is what, but you have to baby your readers more and use your beats to get that done.
It's not like I'm reading cause I like it or anything, b-baka! I'm reading it cause I-I'm obligated to!
