Chapter 5

It had been a week since I came out. It felt like a lifetime though. After everything that happened I needed a day to process. Then I started to come out to my friends one by one. First were all my online friends, then my meatspace pals, even Brett. He didn't fully understand it but he said he supported me and just wants me to be happy. I started using my girl voice all the time now, Emma said I was farther along with it than I realized, I even built up the courage to get on voice chat while gaming.  All in all it had been a pretty amazing week.  Emma also let me sit in on a couple of her streams, showing me how things worked and how to keep viewers interested. 

Oh yeah, Emma. Ever since last week she had turned up her teasing. She was only doing it before to help me realize that I’m a girl, but like, I don't know why she’s still pushing the whole calling me cute and pogchamp thing. I mean, Emma is beautiful, and like, it’s not like I haven't thought about her like that before, but she’s just really friendly and likes to mess with me. I definitely shouldn't read into anything there.

Today was finally the day we were going to the mall. I wanted to get some clothes that I actually liked and Emma was going to help me. I wasn't too comfortable with going in a group yet so it was just the two of us, alone, trying on clothes. It was going to be pretty poggers but also really scary. I had learned a lot in the last week about myself, and being trans, it was overwhelming. But today was going to be fun.

Today was a nightmare. I hadn't anticipated that once I ventured out into the world with a new understanding of myself that I would want to hide under a cardboard box and hope people wouldn't exclaim at me. It felt so weird, walking around blatantly aware of why I was always uncomfortable. But I was with Emma, she said that if anyone gave me trouble she would fight. The thought of Emma fighting someone and forcing them down to the ground crossed my mind, then I got really flustered again for some reason.

We went to the mall and started at the beauty supply store. Looking at all the makeup options made me dizzy. I didn't have a clue where to start or what I was looking for. Luckily Emma was there and walked me through everything. Finding the right foundation, eye shadow, lip color and eye liner as well. She said that with my face less was more, just use small things to accentuate my features. That being said I definitely didn't need any blush, due to my face being so red from every time she touched it while applying some of the demo products while figuring out my skin tone. 

After the makeup we went to a salon, Emma insisted on holding my hand the whole time we were walking, she said it was so we wouldn't get separated but my soul was already miles away from my body at this point. 

We walked into the salon and the stylist took me back while Emma waited eagerly near reception. 

"So, what's your name?" The stylist asked.

My mind went blank for a moment, I still wasn't used to giving out my new name. Did she need my legal name? I hadn't gotten my hair cut in over a year, and before I just went to a barber who pointed at pictures on the wall and asked how short. So I was wildly unprepared for these types of questions. 

"I'm Natalie." I said so quietly, I almost couldn't even hear myself.

"Hi Natalie, what do you want done today?" 

Damn, more questions. Ok think, um, what styles of hair were there? Long, and short right? Shit, I don't know anything about this. I'm taking too long to answer, the timers gonna run out and someone might as well push the button and yeet me into space with my alien comrades because I do not belong here. 

Ok, I got this, just be me. I still didn't know who 'me' was yet but hey, it's a process. "I don't really know, I want it styled but I've been growing it out for a while and don't want any length taken off." Hey, that wasn't half bad, maybe I should just be upfront and honest with people instead of just going with what I think is expected of me, poggers. 

I sat for a while while she styled my hair and trimmed the ends slightly. I was terrified but she explained that in order for it to continue growing I needed to get the ends touched up and shaped so they wouldn't split apart, as well as general tips about products and maintenance. Before I knew it she was done. I looked in the mirror and almost couldn't believe it. I..I was cute! Why did no one ever tell me? Oh, wait, Emma did. But I thought she was just messing with me! Was she being serious this whole time? I stared at my dark hair parted to one side framing my face in an almost playful way, where I would need to brush it aside to uncover my right eye and just, wow. This was me. 

I thanked the stylist and went to the front desk to pay. As I handed my card to the receptionist I was very abruptly attacked from behind by Emma as she wrapped her arms around my waist and pulled me back for a hug. The sound that came from my mouth could only be described as a panicked high pitched squeak that I had no idea I was capable of making. 

The receptionist must have seen the intense redness growing in my cheeks as well as my task manager not responding because my brain had fully crashed, and she just giggled at me while swiping my card.

“Your hair looks so good Nat!” Emma's voice was so bright and excited and holy shit did she just call me Nat?!

“Skwledribgvrf.” Keyboard smashing was the only response I could make even though it was an irl conversation. I never had a nickname before. 

Maybe realizing she short circuited my operating system, Emma let go and stood next to me with a giant smirk while the receptionist handed me my card back and the receipt. I quickly signed it and we were off once again. 

I never really enjoyed going to the mall before, but it was nice being able to actually look in the stores and not feel the urge to avoid them at all costs. We passed by several kiosks, one of which had a bunch of customizable shirts, hats and accessories, things that said senpai and what not. It was a completely new experience, and I felt safe with Emma, she was holding onto my arm the whole time. 

We finally got to the clothing store Emma recommended. There were so many options and I had no clue what my style was. I usually just grabbed whatever off the rack and went with it. But today I wanted to get things I actually liked. 

I was again paralyzed by all the options. Thank pog Emma was there, she figured out my sizes fairly quickly and helped me pick out some outfits. I stopped and looked at a rack filled with necklaces and chokers, I remembered that mine was ruined now.

Emma noticed my face. “Hey everything ok?” She put her hand on my shoulder.

“Oh, it’s just, I had a cute choker before but it’s...broken now.” 

“Well you can always get a new one here, lot’s of options.” Emma gestured then started spinning the rack like a game show girl showing off a list of prizes. 

“I don't know, maybe later.” I turned away and continued browsing.

Then I saw it, a beautiful black dress, with white roses around the skirt. I stopped and stared for a moment, then furiously started looking for my size. 

Arms full I made my way to the fitting room, I started going to the wrong room by force of habit but Emma quickly turned me towards the women's room. My entire body was set to vibrate due to the anxiety alarms overloading. Emma led me into a stall and told me to start trying stuff on.

“Start with some outfits and see how they fit, I gotta go grab something but I’ll be right back ok?” 

I nodded sheepishly as she left the fitting room and I locked the door. Ok, I can figure this out, they’re just clothes. 

I took my time and tried on several outfits, tight jeans and cute tops. There was a pair of ripped black jeans that hugged my hips nicely and a plaid dark red button up that when I looked in the mirror, I saw me, a cute girl. I wanted to cry but a knock on the door stopped me. 

“It’s me.” Emma said softly.

I opened the door and Emma stepped in carrying a bag, she stared at me for a moment. 

“What?” I asked because it seemed like she couldn't take her eyes off me. Was...was she blushing? 

She shook her head and looked away, I’ve never seen her act nervous before, why was she nervous? Was it something I did? Shit was I actually not cute?

“You, look really pretty Nat.” Emma turned back and smiled at me. “ Did you try everything on?”

My face perpetually red I turned around and looked at the outfits, I turned back to Emma, “The only thing I have left is to try on the dress.”

Emma’s eyebrows shot up. “Oh, by all means, try it on. I’ll give you some privacy.” Her voice was low and suggestive as she turned around.

I very carefully took off my outfit and with great care I slid into the dress. I positioned it and tried my best to zip it up but I couldn't get it all the way.

I might as well have been binoculars in a monster hunting game, I felt useless. “Um, hey, could you help me with this zipper?” 

I didn’t turn around, I was too embarrassed. I felt Emma’s hands on my back and my shoulders tensed up. She didn't say anything, I was expecting some sly comment or snarky remark. Her hands were so warm as she zipped up the dress. 

I turned around and was once again face to face with Emma, her eyes were such a soft blue. Which was quite contrasting with the redness in her cheeks? Why was she blushing again? Why were eyes so gorgeous and why did I just want her to reach out and kiss m…

“You should take a look in the mirror.” Emma interrupted my inner ramblings. 

I did as I was told and looked in the mirror. I couldn't hold back the tears this time. Looking at myself I realized, I was fucking beautiful! I missed out on so much. I turned to Emma, she was looking me up and down. 

“You are absolutely gorgeous Natalie.” I moved in and hugged her. 

“Thank you, for everything.” I managed to muffle through my tears and her shoulder. 

After a moment I regained my composure and we went and checked out. I totally wore the dress out of the store. 

The ride home was pretty quiet. I was gushing and looking in the mirror the whole time and Emma was just smiling but not making eye contact. Did I do something to upset her? Hmm, maybe I should make dinner tonight as a thank you for everything she’s done.

I decided to make Emma’s favorite since she had been the absolute best friend and roommate ever. I was in my dress bouncing around the kitchen cooking. You know, I can't remember the last time I was this happy. I was able to be myself, I had wonderful friends, and I had an appointment to see a doctor about starting hormones soon. Everything was coming up Natalie. 

The food wasn't the greatest in the world, but it was my best attempt at huevos rancheros I could produce. I let Emma know dinner was ready and we sat and ate in an uncomfortable silence. What was going on with her? She’s usually never this quiet, there was no comment, no teasing, no jokes. I was going to have to be direct again wasn't I? So not poggers. But it’s ok, I’m me, I can do this now. 

After dinner we sat on the couch and I turned to Emma. “Hey, so, did I do anything to upset you?”

Emma just looked at me and stared dumbfounded. Yup, I knew it. I did something stupid. Did I cross a line asking her to zip up my dress? Why was she moving closer to me on the couch? Was she gonna fight me, I mean, I think I’d be ok with that, but at least tell me why. Oh no, she’s close, why does she keep moving in so close to me on this couch? It’s a big couch, there's plenty of room, I don't understand why she insists on...

Inches away from my face, Emma leaned in. “Natalie, I like you. I’ve liked you for a really long time but you never seemed to take any of my hints. Seeing you today, so happy and genuinely yourself, I couldn't help but think about how much more of you I want to see. It’s ok if you don’t feel the same way about me, but I can’t not say anything anymore. I want to be with you.”

Well, that took a turn. Was she just building up the nerve to ask me out this whole time?! I thought I was supposed to be the shy embarrassed one around here? This...made a lot of sense actually. I don’t know how I didn't see it before considering how well versed I am at reading people's emotions.  

“Of course I like you Emma, I just thought you were teasing me and messing with me this whole time. You’re like, the prettiest girl I know and I’ve had a crush on you forever.” Ok this was good, be direct, see, I’m learning.

“Fuck you’re useless aren't you?” 

Before I could defend myself Emma pressed her lips against mine. We fell over on the couch, her on top of me. Her lips were so soft and sweet. I could feel the passion behind her every move as she traced my mouth with her tongue. I let out a soft moan into her as she ran her hands up my side. She pulled back for a moment catching her breath. 

Her eyes narrowed and her devilish smirk was back. “I hope you’re ready, my little pogchamp.” 

The sound I made had no formulation of thought behind it. It could only be described as “Incoherent bottom noises.”