8. Everybody’s Fears
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CW:

Spoiler

Transphobia, Unintended Misgendering

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“What did you put down for the question about telling the difference between a regular djinn and afarit?”

On the other end of the call, Finley started flipping through his notes. While she waited, Ares tried organizing the mess of documents she had open on her computer. There were six of them all due by the end of the week. And since summer homework actually accounted for part of the next year’s grade, to demonstrate that they still retained what they learned from the year before, Finley and Ares were checking their answers against each other just to be sure that they’d gotten everything right.

“Here we go,” Finley said. “An ifrit will avoid looking people in the eye because their irises contain a swirling fire. Many have claw-like hands that they will cover, and others…”

Finley went on for a bit, and Ares made a few updates to her answer before closing the document.

“I’ll be glad when we’re learning something new,” she said. “But I’m also really nervous about returning to school. If my family supports me, things won’t be so bad, but I’m worried that people won’t react well to the fact that I’m a girl now.”

Finley didn’t respond right away.

“Can you hear me?” Ares asked, fearing a connection problem.

“Yeah, I can hear you,” Finley said dismissively.

“I’m really worried about this, Fin.”

“Well, can’t you… I dunno… Do you have to be a girl all the time?” Finley asked. “Can’t you just be a boy normally and only be a girl, like, every other weekend?”

Ares’ heart started to ache.

“No, I can’t,” she said quietly. “I want this to be the new me, Fin. I can’t stand it when people look at me and see a boy. And nobody is going to believe that I’m serious about this if I spend all my time pretending to be a boy.”

“I just… if you’re a girl all the time, then our lives are going to go in different directions. I’m afraid that we won’t stay friends.”

“That’s ridiculous. Sam, Suzanne, Jasmine, Margo, Ariel: they’re all still friends with us, right? Even though we were boys, they never excluded us.”

“But they’re not my best friend,” Finley insisted. “And they don’t include us in everything. It’s not like I want to be involved in all that girly stuff, but if you do then you and I are going to drift apart. I won’t have my best friend anymore because I’m not one of the girls.”

Ares frowned.

“That’s not true,” she said. “Yes, I’m definitely going to want to be involved in all the girly activities, but that doesn’t mean that we’re going to drift apart.”

“You’ll be spending all your time with other girls, though.”

“Not all of my time,” Ares insisted. “More than I used to, because that’s where I belong. But I’m not going to become an entirely different person. I’m just going to be more of myself from now on. I promise that we’re still going to hang out, like, all the time. I just can’t pretend to be a boy while we’re doing it.”

“Why not?” Finley demanded.

“Because I’d be lying. Even if I only wore the pendant some of the time, it wouldn’t be who I truly was. It would hurt too much to look like a boy now that I have the body that I want.”

“I just don’t want to lose my best friend.”

“You’re not going to.”

After a few moments, Finley replied, “Okay. I trust you, Ares.”

Ares relaxed and leaned back in her chair.

“Thank you.” She frowned. “Have you heard anything from Mercedes? She hasn’t been in voice chat very much.”

“I think she’s just been sticking to DMs,” Finley replied. “You’re not going to want to hear this, but I think she’s been avoiding you.”

Ares sighed, then muttered, “That’s great.”

“She’s been talking about you, too,” Finley continued. “She really doesn’t want to accept that you’re a girl now. I think that she’s bothered by the idea that someone can make such a drastic change to their life. To her, things are what they are, you know? She’s a lot more traditional than either of us.”

Ares swore and buried her head in her hands.

“I’m worried,” she said, “that I may have just lost my other best friend by coming out.”

“I don’t think so,” Finley replied. “Mercedes is stubborn, but she has a good head on her shoulders. And she’s been like this before and always gotten over it eventually. She’ll come around.”

“I hope so. I just hate the thought of returning to school and having my best friend avoid me for the whole semester.”

“Trust me, if Mercedes sees anyone giving you grief, then she’ll be right back at your side to defend you before you know it.”

Ares grinned.

“She is that kind of person, isn’t she?”

“That she is. Hey, can you tell me if I worded this answer correctly?”

“Yeah. Hit me with it.”

Once their homework was done and turned in, Ares and Finley said goodbye. Ares sent a quick message to Pandora explaining that she was done with homework and that Dora could come up now. Then she stepped away from her computer and stretched.

Ares was wearing one of the dresses that had come out of the clothes box: a green apron dress she’d often see Hestia wear around the house a few years back. She had also broken the rules and put on a pair of black ballet flats that had been in the box. As long as Vega or Lorrie didn’t find out Ares was wearing shoes inside, she’d be fine.

She held up her hands. The spell had given her nicely trimmed nails, but they’d been growing over the weeks. Ares really wished she could go to a salon in town to have them cared for and painted. And then she’d like to get her ears pierced, and she needed makeup of her own, and some nice shampoo to give her hair some sheen.

A knock at the door interrupted Ares’ thoughts.

“Who is it?” she asked.

“It’s me!” Pandora replied.

Ares opened the door just a crack to let Dora in, closing and locking it quickly after.

“You ready to practice?” Ares asked.

The two sat down cross-legged across from each other.

“Alright,” Ares began. “When two magic-users work in sync, they’re able to accomplish things that would normally be very difficult for one person on their own. I’m going to supplement your magic so you can push your boundaries and get a good idea of what doing harder magic feels like. You remember the glowing ball I’ve been having you create?”

“Yup.”

“You’re going to start by trying to make three of them and have them orbit each other.”

They both entered a meditative state and Ares started channeling her magical energy into Dora. Pandora cupped her hands and generated a small ball of light. With a bit of patience and prodding, she was able to make another. Before long, she had all three and was struggling to get them to move around each other.

“That was a very good first attempt,” Ares said. “Give me a chance to stretch and we’ll—”

A knock on the door interrupted them. Ares and Pandora exchanged a look before Ares stood up.

“Yes?” she asked.

“Hey, it’s me,” Eris said. “Can I come in? I wanna hang out.”

“It’s not a good time,” Ares replied. “I’m training Dora.”

“Great. I can help.”

“I… I’d rather do it on my own.”

Eris paused, then replied, “Why can’t I help? We have the same training and we both use the Intuitive Method.”

“It’s just nice for her and me to have some time alone.”

“Ares, is something wrong in there?”

“Nothing’s wrong,” Ares insisted, wiping her sweaty hands off on her dress.

“Then let me in.”

Ares gulped and looked over at Pandora, who shrugged. With a sigh, Ares walked up to the door. Eris was going to find out eventually. It might as well be right now.

“Alright, I’m opening the door. Just… don’t freak out, okay?”

“What’s going on?” Eris demanded.

Ares unlocked the door and opened it. Eris’ eyes went wide and she covered her mouth. She came inside and closed the door.

“What are you wearing?!” she hissed.

“I… I’m wearing this because…” She couldn’t do this. “Dora thought it would be fun if I tried wearing a dress. You know, just to see what it was like.”

Eris scowled at Pandora, who flinched. Ares felt her heart sink.

“Pandora,” Eris said quietly, “can I speak to our brother alone?”

Dora scurried out of the room. Ares was alone with Eris. She grabbed the hem of her dress in sweaty hands and started wringing it out. Eris folded her arms.

“Ares… I’m sorry.”

“Huh?”

“I should have been paying more attention. I was upset by seeing you this way and I wasn’t there to help you. But that’s going to change starting right now. I’m going to help you stay strong and resist the temptation that you’re struggling with.”

“Temptation?”

“I know that you don’t want to hear it, and I’ve tried being gentle when I bring this up, but clearly the spell has altered your mind a little and you’re struggling to resist the changes. But you’re a guy and guys aren’t supposed to like feminine things.”

“The spell didn’t do anything to my head, Eris!” Ares cried.

“I know that it’s hard to accept,” Eris said, placing her hands on Ares’ shoulders. “But think about it. Have you felt like your personality has changed at all since the spell? Are you acting any different? Did the spell make you want to be a girl?”

“…No, I don’t want to be a girl.”

Ares couldn’t tell her. No matter what she said, Eris would believe what she wanted to believe.

“Good,” Eris said. “Just focus on returning to normal. Wear the pendant. You need to hold onto your old form as much as possible. Okay?”

“Okay…”

Eris gave Ares a hug, whispering, “I love you, Ares,” before pulling away.

Ares wasn’t in a mood to help Pandora with her magic after that. She changed back into pants and a tee shirt and curled on her bed to pout. This wasn’t fair. Why couldn’t people just be happy for her?

Later that afternoon, Ares knocked on the door of Vega’s study and told her that she was taking Pandora to meet Amaryllis. Vega didn’t immediately answer. When the door opened, she looked surprised.

“Are you sure about that?” she asked. “Maybe I should come with you, just to be on the safe side. You know she isn’t fond of new people.”

“It’s okay,” Ares said. “I asked her if I could bring Dora to see some of Amaryllis’ magic, and she agreed to it. She knows that we’re coming. Besides, she’ll be more comfortable if there’s two of us instead of three.”

“Alright, sweetie,” Vega replied, giving Ares a kiss on the forehead. “Don’t take up too much of her time.”

Ares led Pandora through the woods until they arrived at Amaryllis’ glade. They stood in the center, by the rock shrine, and Ares called out for Amaryllis. She didn’t appear right away. Pandora started to squirm.

“She’s nervous around new people,” Ares explained softly. “She’ll come.”

After about a minute, there was a soft gust of wind that rustled the treetops. Ares turned around and Amaryllis was standing there with a woven basket in her arms. She sat the basket down and walked forward.

“Hello,” she said. “My name is Amaryllis. I’m the resident dryad of this forest. Welcome to my glade.”

“Hello, Amaryllis,” Pandora replied. “That’s a long name.”

Amaryllis smiled, but it was a little forced. If this was how tense spirits were around normal people, Ares was really glad she was so skilled in Communications magic. Being able to interact with spirits felt like it had opened up a lot of the world to her. She would lose so much without it.

The three of them sat down around Amaryllis’ basket, which was filled with stones, small plants, and soil samples. She pulled out a large leaf and ripped it, then channeled her magic into the leaf to repair the damage.

“I don’t often interfere with the health of individual plants in the forest,” she explained. “Damage is not a bad thing. Sometimes trees fall and in the process they become food for small organisms. But other times, especially recently, the number of tree-eating insects becomes too much and needs to be properly managed or trees will die out faster than new trees can grow.”

“Can you heal trees burned in a fire?” Pandora asked.

“I can, but I usually don’t. Instead, I prefer to encourage the growth of new trees. The forest as a whole heals even when individual trees do not. To interfere too much would threaten the circle of life.”

“Can I learn to do stuff like this?”

Amaryllis glanced at Ares, who explained, “Humans can learn to do some natural magic, but it’s not in our nature so it’s more difficult. The kind of magic that Amaryllis can do doesn’t even fit within the seven established schools of magic because it’s so hard to categorize.”

“Why don’t you try,” Amaryllis suggested, handing Pandora the large leaf. “Tear it and try to channel healing energies into the leaf.”

Pandora started to meditate. Amaryllis and Ares stood up and walked a short distance away where they could speak without being overheard.

“How are you feeling?” Amaryllis asked.

“My older sister has been really tense around me and my twin is getting really suspicious. Even Vega and Lorrie can tell that something is wrong, even if they don’t know what.”

“I think you should focus on your older sister first,” Amaryllis replied. “One task at a time. You can’t avoid talking to her about this. Even if you’re afraid to do so, you need to get her on your side so you have another ally in that house. It will be a lot of help moving forward.”

“You’re right. I just don’t know how to convince her.”

“Be honest. That’s the only way you’re going to be able to touch her heart.”

“Alright, I will. Thank you, Amaryllis.”

When they checked back in on Pandora, she had actually managed to heal a little bit of the damage to the leaf.

“Very good,” Amaryllis said, holding the leaf up to inspect it. “You might actually have a talent for this.”

“You hear that, Ares?” Pandora asked, bouncing excitedly.

“Yeah. You know, you might benefit from learning more traditional magic from Vega. It might make things a little more difficult when you start high school, but I think you’d get a lot out of it. I’ll talk to her when we get back.” Turning to Amaryllis, she asked, “Can I bring her back to learn more from you?”

“As long as it’s not too frequent,” Amaryllis replied with an uncomfortable smile.

“Right. I understand. Thank you for this. I’ll see you later.”

Pandora added, “Goodbye, Miss Amaryllis.”

That evening, Ares put the pendant back on for dinner. It was awkward. She was uncomfortable, Hestia wouldn’t look at her, Eris kept trying to give her supportive smiles, and their moms were clearly upset that nobody was filling them in on what was going on. Ares ate quickly and got out of there.

She paced around her room for a bit, trying to get up her nerve so she could talk to Hestia. Eventually, she just walked out of the room and headed up the stairs. Ares knocked on Hestia’s door and started wringing her hands.

Hestia opened the door.

“Ares.”

“Can I come in?”

Hestia seemed to think it over for a moment, then nodded and stepped aside. Her room was neat and tidy, with more mature decor than anyone else’s. There was a vanity next to the dresser, which along with the bed were made of a dark wood. An old computer sat on the desk, and a small bookshelf of reference materials sat in a corner. A small reading chair sat next to the window, which let in a lot of natural light.

Ares sat down in the reading chair while Hestia stood awkwardly with her arms folded. This was difficult. How was Ares supposed to handle this?

“I want to be a girl, Tia,” Ares said.

“That just doesn’t work, Ares,” she replied, shaking her head. “You were born a boy and that shaped who you are. You can’t just undo that. You don’t really know what a girl’s experience is.”

“That’s not my fault. I didn’t ask to be raised as a boy. I would have been happy being treated like a girl my entire life.”

“You don’t know that. There’s no way you can possibly know that. And it doesn’t matter. What’s done is done. You grew up a boy. That’s what you learned, and it affected how you see the world and women and even yourself.”

“Maybe I can unlearn it,” Ares suggested. “If it’s really going to stop me from being a girl, then I’ll get rid of it.”

“That would fundamentally change who you are as a person,” Hestia replied.

“Fine!” Ares cried, her vision going blurry from tears. “I want to be a girl, Tia! Why can’t you accept that?”

“That’s not who you are.”

“Well I don’t like who I am!” Ares wiped her eyes dry. “I’ll change whatever I have to to be happy! I won’t go back to being a boy. I already lost all the time I could have had growing up as a girl. I’m never going to get that back.”

She paused. That hadn’t occurred to her before now. Ares was never going to get to grow up as a girl. No matter what, magic couldn’t give her those years back.

“I’m not going to lose any more time,” she said, sniffing. “I want to change who I am going forward. And if that means that there’s something wrong with me, then I guess I’m broken. But I’m not going back to being a boy.”

Hestia looked uncertain. She opened her mouth, then closed it again. For a moment, she just glanced around the room looking for something else to hold her attention. Then she sighed and knelt down next to Ares.

“You really hate being a boy that much?” she asked.

Ares shook her head.

“Alright.” Hestia took Ares’ hands in her own. “You’re not broken. If you really want to be a girl, then you can learn to be one. I’ll help teach you. It’s going to take time to unlearn all of the stuff that society teaches boys, but you can definitely change if you want.”

Ares started to cry again and fell forward, out of the chair and into Hestia’s arms.

“Thank you,” she sobbed.

For a while she just cried and Hestia rocked her back and forth.

Eventually, Ares calmed down a little and Hestia asked, “Have you found a new name or are you going to keep the one you have now?”

“I don’t know. I think I want a new name, but I haven’t been able to find one I like more than the one I have.” She paused. “Hey, will you show me how to do makeup?”

“We’ll need to get you some. It’s unsanitary to share makeup products.”

“What about jewelry? Can I borrow some?”

“Sure, as long as you return whatever I give you.”

“Thank you.”

After a moment, Hestia admitted, “It’s going to take some time getting used to the idea that you’re my sister now.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologize. I’ll do my best.”

Ares smiled and curled up a little tighter against her sister.

Aww, that's sweet. Things finally seem to be looking up.

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