(I tried writing in a third person limited POV in this chapter. Although it isn't perfect, it can be improved.
Tell me what POV you would prefer. With the previous pov, I can show everyone’s emotions and thoughts, while with this, it will be limited to one person to make hold limited suspense.)
----Natalia’s POV-----
Natalia breathed heavily from her wide open mouth, trying to gulp down the air as much as possible as her generous bosoms heaved up and down.
Her hands clenched Jack’s hair as her thighs gripped his head in its place. While she enjoyed the jolts of ecstasy passing through her veins.
She was still wearing her white blouse and the grey skirt, though it had become messy. Jack didn’t bother to strip them.
Natalia was never on the receiving end. Until now, the other party would only care about their own satisfaction, never about her.
Part of it was her charm technique which made them lustful. And the other part was that their own lust would cloud their intelligence.
But now, due to how powerful Jack was, he could resist her charm technique to some extent.
For the first time, she felt the other party cared for her while doing this. She couldn’t help finding his actions intimate and affectionate.
As the jolts of heat that wreaked havoc throughout her body subsided, she hurriedly released Jack’s head from her grasp as she realized what wrong she had done.
Yet, soon, Jack’s warm lips kissed her pubic region, and while pecking, his head came upwards. It kissed her belly, her stomach, and her breasts over her blouse. After kissing her neck a few times, it arrived in her sight.
And by now, her heart had entirely melted with his affectionate gestures. She couldn’t resist wrapping her hands around his neck and firmly pressing her lips on his. Their tongues soon found their way as they intertwined in a passionate kiss.
A minute or so later, she sensed his hard, hot rod poking her belly, twitching in excitement. While he breathed raggedly, finding it hard to control himself.
So she released her hands around his neck and broke their kiss.
Jack stretched his hand towards his crotch, and she found his tip poking her sensitive entrance, making her shudder for a moment.
His tip then teased her lower mouth, and soon, as it aligned, it pierced her tight cave in one thrust as it sent a bigger jolt of current through her body. It was a much different sensation than she had ever experienced.
His hot, hard, and thick rod stretched her vaginal passage as her walls squirmed in a rhythm as if inviting their owner. Unlike previous times, it effortlessly intruded inside as if her vagina had assisted it.
Even its veins and shape were traceable with her walls. Its intrusion halted, and it began retreating while her pussy assisted it obediently.
Jack began moving with long thrusts, supporting his upper body by placing his hands on either side of her. His mouth approached her neck, and began kissing.
Her hands roamed over his muscular back, feeling its strength.
Soon, his thrusting became rhythmic, and with each thrust, his dick reached further into her vagina to poke her womb. While his balls slapped her ass cheeks to make lewd sounds.
*Pah* *Pah* *Pah*
Hot jolts of currents coursed throughout her body, prompting her to shut her eyes. But soon, as she opened her eyes, she saw Jack’s lustful face before her.
So she tightly hugged his neck and started the passionate kiss once again. His sturdy body ravaged and subdued her beneath his. His broad chest felt secure, and his smell was calming yet arousing at the same time.
And due to how violent the havoc of the pleasurable jolts was, her moans couldn’t help but leak out of her mouth. “MMmnnn… mmmm…” only to be suppressed in his mouth. Yet, they didn’t stop, and she tried to moan as loudly as possible to celebrate how good she felt.
Soon, his movements became faster as he appeared to reach his climax. She wasn’t in any better condition either. Her whole body had become hot and restless.
A few minutes later, Jack pressed his whole body on hers, plunging his dick deep inside until the end. It began twitching and wriggling intensely inside her, stimulating her to her limit.
This time, to her surprise, her walls squirmed with his dick's thrusting rhythm. As if trying to milk out whatever was stored inside his balls. Her pussy seemed quite eager to swallow his cum.
*Splurt* *Splurt* *Splurt*
As if her stomach was torn open, his twitching dick spewed warm jets of semen into her womb. And due to sheer pleasure, her body twitched incessantly, her mind turning blank.
The trembling went out of control as she had to roll her eyes back into her sockets. And her honey cave finally released the gushes of honey in sync with his dick's twitching as she came with him.
*Squirt* *Squirt* *Squirt*
Her transparent honey leaked out of the plug and moistened her ass cheeks before trailing down to soak the bed sheets.
Jack released their kiss, and they both buried their faces into each other's necks until their orgasms subsided, their warm, sweaty bodies entangled.
----Jack’s POV----
Jack held her warm, squirming body in his embrace. Her legs clamped at his back as her soft body tightly clung to his like a Koala.
He felt his body and balls being lighter, and his mind cleared up a bit. His raging lust had somewhat subsided, but it still wasn’t enough.
How bad he wanted to lose all his restraints, to unleash his full strength, and just go wild until he was satisfied! But he knew, if he went berserk, he would end up bringing a huge calamity, a calamity so dire that the entire Dulia town would find it hard to handle. Even deaths would be a trivial thing.
Holding on to the shred of his rationality, he held himself back as he thought of caring for the one before him. A few minutes passed that seemed like an eternity as he found the woman beneath him being stable. He could no longer hold back.
So he separated from her body as he saw her reluctant to part face. He flipped her on her stomach and put his knees on either side of her legs.
Flipping her grey skirt, he held her soft, curvy hips as he lifted her waist to his crotch before poking open her glistening lower lips.
There were no signs of his white semen, not a single drop. But he was in no situation of thinking about such small things right now.
With a long, yet somewhat gentle thrust, his dick plunged inside her wet honey cave to feel her squishiness and warmth.
And heard her squeal in surprise and pleasure, "Ahhhnnnn!!!! Haaa…. Mnnn…”
*Pah!*
He gave another thrust, colliding his balls on her thighs. His dick swiftly got inside. Her walls parted and squirmed to swallow his length as much as they could.
Her plump butt jiggled as her body shuddered at his forceful intrusion. His throat dried instantly seeing this.
His sight moved upwards to see Natalia burying her face into a pillow, turning her moans into muffled ones as her hands clenched the bed sheets tightly.
Her disheveled black hair spread all over her back and on the bed. Her white skin glistened with sweat while her smooth white ass cheeks also shined.
Her bewitching state aroused him even further, and he had a wild urge to eat her thoroughly. So his thrusting intensified, and his flexible body danced in a rhythm. His waist moved like a snake, with smooth movements.
He could move his dick in and out with considerable speed due to all the lubricants she had released, evident in the squelching sounds.
*Pah* *Pah* *Pah*
Her supple butt collided with his waist just like her soft thighs. Soon, his movements changed, and his body jerked in such a rhythm that his tip rhythmically scraped her upper walls, sending new jolts of pleasure, evident in her changed moaning and twitching of her body.
“Ahhh! Ahhmm!"
*Squelch* *Squelch* *Squelch*
Obscene sounds resounded while he neared his orgasm. But even before he could cum, Natalia’s body started twitching vigorously.
And although her pussy squirted her honey, and her body twitched uncontrollably, Jack could not stop thrusting as he was almost there.
Her body silently shuddered as her moaning appeared to be suppressed due to the orgasm.
He gave a few more long thrusts and pushed his dick further until the end as he came, shooting copious amounts of loads of cum into her vagina.
The mechanism in his crotch rapidly contracted and relaxed, delivering loads of cum from his balls to his urethra, and then it spewed outside with each twitch of his dick.
By the time his orgasm subsided, he felt his raging lust calm down, giving him the much-needed clarity. He breathed heavily because of all the blood that rushed throughout his body.
His heart pumped the blood in excitement and unrest.
A minute later, it all calmed down, making him feel content. But the next moment, he saw something absurd, or rather, sensed.
(Some people leaving lower ratings just because Natalia appeared a whore and Jack lost his virginity to her!😂
I still don't understand what's so big deal with a man's virginity!?
But I swear, in my future novels, I'm gonna give everyone 10 intact hymens! Even the mothers and fathers won't be spared!🤣)
It's all about possession.
The readers put themselves into the shoes of the MC.
As such they'll have opinions about who the MC gets in bed with.
People expect the first heroine to be the main wife or the queen of the harem in a sense.
As such they expect someone unique/powerful like a goddess, a beastkin, elves, dragons etc.
Even if Natalia is non human, the fact that she has frequently slept around like a succubus is a deal breaker for many (even if it was before meeting the MC); it might not be what they had in mind and it breaks their immersion or dream route.
(Plus many have fallen for NTR traps so don't expect people to have favorable views on those who have slept around.)
Lol! I told many times that there won't be NTR!😂
Well, Natalia wasn't going to be a part of the harem... Some readers suggested me not to waste the character in the beginning. So I created Natasha and declared Natalia a clone! It happened like that...
Now, I understand what you said as well. I'm like that too! But things happened in the beginning, and we ended up here...
Regarding the possessiveness... Well, that's why I'm gonna give 10 hymens, no?😂
@Draky_Vampire
1) I know, not saying there is. But you can't fault people for being trigger happy, too many have been misled by authors trying to make extra cash.
It's so prevalent that NTR patrols are a common thing now.
2) It's not really about the hymen (although many have a preference for that).
But living in the same town as all the dudes she slept with?
That's a double whammy right there.
@Alphafi I know! I shouldn't have created that character!
But things already happened... I can't change them unless I rewrite the novel...
Or should I rewrite? I'm having the urge...
@Draky_Vampire
1) I think the first thing to do is to flesh out the harem hierarchy. Who's going to be the main queen of the harem? The right hand of your MC (there can be 2 co queens)
Has to be someone with the knack to handle the other harem members. Because readers love reading about harem politics.
Natalia has a reputation issue (even if you get rid of the clone, the reputation is there), as such the MC isn't sure if her feelings are genuine. Since she's a non human, best is to have her evolve into another form (Demon form etc), and reveal to the MC. That kind of minimizes the reputation issue, as she won't look exactly the same.
Mom is a main heroine but can't be the queen since her husband is still there.
Susy is another as the husband is gone, her emotions for the MC is genuine and she has kids, so she knows how to handle unruly individuals. But non combatant is her sole weakness, so she's like the top healer operator.
You could also introduce a new powerful heroine to take over the reins.
Most important right now is to get the harem in order and maybe move locations. (away from the husband and the f*ckbuddies, as it feels weird having them around)
Rewriting is a long term process and you need to be absolutely sure before taking it on.
For the moment the story is stable, just need to bulid up the harem and the MC.
Maybe the get the MC into kingdom building, that helps cement his place in the story and also gives a chance to attract strong characters/heroines to his side.
@Alphafi Okay! Thanks for the advice! I'd be happy to hear more!😁🙏
@Alphafi Um, I don't have much knowledge about kingdom building. I'm researching, but I can't find a proper resource!
Do you have any advice?
@Draky_Vampire
Well it depends on what kind of Kingdom building you want to take the story into.
(I think the stories Herald of Shalia and monster girl Island touch a bit on that)
Is it to conquer the world? Save the demi humans? Or to better protect ones' territory?
All require you to go into building infrastructure/managing the territory/build alliances.
Easiest would be uniting the world/saving demi humans because it gives you the perfect casus Belli to declare war and annex more territory. Not to mention upgrading ones' harem and giving management roles to the heroines
@Alphafi Ahh! This seems really hard!!😂
I must read more!
@Draky_Vampire
Most of all don't rush. Take your time to flesh out the story line and the characters.
There are many ways to go about this.