Fortunately, this chapter is entirely skippable if you'd rather not read the seat-of-pants tale about an entire village being razed to the fucking ground. That being said, this started as a NaNoWriMo challenge for me, so I prioritized getting story chapters out a lot more than I normally would. Yes, even over planning.
- LGBT People are generally accepted in society, and riots such as Stonewall did not need to happen. Because no culture was oppressing us, no counter culture was needed and thus you won't be seeing those cultural artefacts.
- There will be trans characters in the story. Some will know they're trans, and others will not. Pronouns will be managed based on how the character is presenting for this reason. This also avoids spoilers down the line. (UPDATE 15/11/21: Another reminder that trans exploration in Solstice is a slow-burn affair.
It might be 20% before a trans character even gets anything that hints at their body being off.Chapter 17. Chapter 17 is when the trans bit starts to kick in.) - Black slavery never happened. In this world, black people, white people, and everyone in between are all considered full humans with the corresponding rights. This world may have differing ideas from us on what those rights are, but all humans will have them by default. Slaves may or may not exist in this setting, though I don't see slavery being prominent in Solstice.
- Black and white "This character is all bad, this character is all good" will not exist so long as I will it. This is not saying that Aegis isn't a horrific monster, but I do permit him to have some good qualities. This is not to be construed as apologia. If you think I'm pro-what he does, read my fucking About Me.
I'm looking forward to getting some words out there and sharing them with ya!
In an instant, magick cloyed the atmosphere.
The villagers of Charade Gin, workers, laborers, and merchants all inhaled in unison. The air chilled, tinged with malice.
An entertainer in the town square dropped the balls they were juggling, turning their drama-masked face toward the northern gate.
Two bodies launched from the gates, mutilated entrails decaying in the open. Spears clattered to the ground, syncopating against the screams.
"Pierce! Jamal!"
"Get the children out of here!"
"Sound the alarum! Summon the magi!"
"What the Hells even killed them?!"
"Stop dawdling! GO!!"
The crowd dispersed in all directions, with two merchants and the entertainer rushing north, though it all came to a halt from the clamour of those in the front. Well, more yelping than anything - They did not have the time; They were bisected, run through, and decapitated that quickly, and all without a single trace of a cause.
A humanoid strode forth from the north, clad utterly in white. Boots pressed into the ground with strength, flowing into ornate dress pants and a robe fashioned much like a tuxedo with jet-black trim. A helm shielded the face completely with the shape of a kite shield, with two cutouts for the eyes, staring into the void.
Behind them stood four figures in dark black shrouds bearing contrasting white trims.
"And who in the Hells are you fucks?" the entertainer calls out in a feminine voice.
"I am called Aegis," a masculine voice distorted, with a spectral echo to his tone. Its white-clad speaker gestured in a stage bow.
"Yeah, you fucking killed our guards; I'm not dealing with your bullshit today!" With a flourish, cyan lightning arced through the entertainer's hands and forked at the offending masked man, vanishing about halfway through.
"It is rude to attack a fellow blessed one unprovoked." The masked man held his arms up in a shrug. "Another outburst like that, and we will be forced to destroy your buildings."
Further away from the conflict stood two tween boys and an older teen facing north, shivering next to the central fountain.
"I can get in a good earthquake," said the dark-skinned merchant to the entertainer's right with conviction.
"No need Justin," the entertainer replied, in tune with the beat of multiple guards charging in, spears readied.
"...Won't...work..." one of the tween boys stuttered.
"Yeah, how the fuck would you know that, Em?" the other tween asked with a glare.
"There they are!" one of the guards shouted.
"And pray," said Aegis, holding up one hand, "What do you senseless dreamers think you can do with a pointy stick?"
"For Pierce and Jamal!" the guards yelled.
"Don't do it!" The entertainer shouted. "There's nothing you can-"
Aegis closed his hand, and the torsos of every last guard in the charging formation warped and tore open from the side, blood gushing out of both sides of every single one of them.
"Spectral... transparent..." Em stuttered.
"Alright, that's it!" the entertainer shouted. Flames gathered around her body as a spell circle illuminated beneath Justin, the dark-skinned merchant, amber light shaped into runic symbols, concentric circles, and polygons.
"You wish to fight? We raze your home."
At Aegis' command, fire erupted from the hands of his two frontline supporters to crash into nearby houses. With a crash of his foot, a rupture in the ground darting at him ended its advance.
The entertainer released a double-helix stream of pyretic energy off to an angle to grab Aegis' henchmen, followed by the adjacent light-skinned merchant conjuring a cerulean circle of lights and runes, not unlike the amber one before.
A battle of magi had begun.
The tween child, Emmett, froze, his irises radiating soft cyan light.
Aegis' third ally took to the sky to rain down blades of wind while the fourth stood by, wreathed in a soft white aura.
Aegis himself had barely moved at all, gesturing into the air.
Spells approaching him and his stopped halfway through, and civilians left, right, and centre found themselves dead where they stood, their bodies torn without cause apparent.
"Alright, that's it, I'm going to fight!" the other tween child declared, reaching into the sky.
"No, Patrick!" Emmett grabbed Patrick's hands and pulled them down. "Don't you see?!"
"See what, you coward?!" Patrick yelled.
"The white-robed man, his magick!" Emmett yelled back. "Don't you see it?! It's mostly transparent, but you can see the outlines as it dissolves the other Magick! For instance, the spikes that impaled the-"
An older teen accompanying the two children kicked Emmett in the balls and tackled him to the ground, raising his fist high. "You think now's the time to make funny jokes about seeing the fucking invisible, you prick?!"
"Bryce, please-" Patrick pled, cut off by a swing of Bryce's stone-coated fist straight for the helpless Emmett's throat.
With stillness Aegis regarded the boy named Bryce, watching his vital organs thrust out of his torso onto his would-be victim. "I make an effort to keep the blessed of this village alive," Aegis said, "Misguided as they are, we Emissaries of Total Salvation, in honor of the Eldest Crusades before us, have standards. We do not kill magi acting in defense of home. You, however, have betrayed your comrade, making you more sinful than those rejected by the Havens."
Patrick screamed in as fell rage as he could, charging forth with seized fire and throwing a bolt of it at Aegis's kite-shield face. It dissipated, of course, a few inches away from Aegis' face. "Fuck!"
Aegis blinked out of perception, reappearing in front of Patrick with a knockout punch to the jaw.
"You- That was- They're children!!" the entertainer glares up at Aegis, her tan visage and fierce brown eyes visible to all, what with her mask broken in two on the ground around her.
"Those children are blessed, like you and me," Aegis replies, "They will persevere; otherwise, they wouldn't be worthy of the Heavens' blessings."
"Hardly a fucking blessing when you kill everyone they ever knew in cold blood!"
"We have saved them. Do you honestly think the dreamers would foster any real relationship with them?"
"Our village loved all its members!"
"Your village used you as tools. If you'd said no even once, you'd have been burned alive."
The four black-cloaked figures returned to the fountain-laden square in various states of exhaustion.
"We did it, Chairman," one of them said, "We have extinguished the flames of the Dreamers."
"Did you preserve the families of the blessed?" Aegis asked.
"N-no, we didn't," another answered, "We didn't want to chance someone lying."
"You damned fools." Aegis sighed, planting one of his palms on his kite-shielded helmet. "Without a stable family, young Magi will not rise to their full potential, which will cost us in the long run when the Nightmares roll in."
"We're sorry!" the first black cloak said.
"Please don't kill us!" the second cried out.
"Relax. You will atone for your misdeeds, but you will still be in service," Aegis replied. "Have any last spells for us, Miss Jacqueline? Or shall we make our parting and opening speech?"
"Just... get it over with," Jacqueline spat out.
"We are, as you may have heard, the Emissaries of Total Salvation," Aegis said, "And I am Aegis, heir to the Chairman of the venerable Eldest Crusades. We seek to save the world from the dreaming sinners and the false gods they pledge their service to."
"Dreamers... do not... follow... devils..." Jacqueline protested.
"Oh trust me, they do, Miss Jacqueline, whether they know it or not," said Aegis. "Dreamers represent an existential threat to us, and thus we take the old banner. We will amass a battalion and purge the world of any chance for the false gods to return."
"You're sick."
"I am doing what must be done. I hate it too, but it's some or all of us in the end." Aegis shook his head. "This is where I ask you to join us or die when next we meet, but my followers were too zealous and left the blessed children of Charade Gin without their parents."
"Yeah, not joining you." Jacqueline flipped Aegis off. "I'd sooner die."
"The single best thing you can do for everyone is raise the children as your own, along with your surviving magi." Aegis turned his back and strolled toward the east exit. "If anyone asks what happened, tell them the Emissaries are here to save the world, and we will exterminate any and all threats to that end."
With that, the band of five killers departed.
That's one hell of a "battle".
Aegis seems like a cool character
Thank you and welcome to the wild ride that started out as a rebellion of sorts and grew into a sort of coming-out journey!
It does get dark, and it's also quite a slow burn, but seeing this comment honestly did give me a breath of fresh air amidst offline life being... a little too much let's say!
Thank you again for checking out this dusty old book in a corner :)
Absolutely beautiful magic scenes. I love the unique ways it shows, from the cyan-blue eyes, to the abstract geometric figures that other magi conjure. Rather impressive how much personal power they hold, despite being in a rather out-of-the-way village.
Aegis is awesome. I love their fashion sense and considerable power. The way they just fwomped them into pieces was gooorgeous! Gives me kind of Giovanni and Team Rocket dialogue vibes from Aegis' interactions with their team. Though they also have that fanatic vibe, which seems familiar, but it is not Giovanni vibes. Dunno! *shrugs* Pretty cool. Want to know more of the lore and philosophy of Aegis and the Emissaries sooo bad! Surprisingly toneless for such conviction. A very robotic man.
Go Jacqueline! She's a really cool character. Pretty darn powerful too. And uhhh... good luck raising a bunch of orphans! You'll... you'll really need it!
So the MC has strength in perception. Kind of wish I knew more about Emmett prior to this, personality-wise.
I just saw all of this and holy cripe thank you!!!
EEEEEEEEEE!
And I'm glad you noticed the robotic tone. There's a reason for that :3
I;m so excited you're looking into this!!! EEE!!
@LunaSoltaer No, no, no! Thank you for being an awesome writer!!!
One of the things that I appreciate as a writer is that it has made me a more analyzing reader, letting me see the cool things that authors sneak into their works (like the robotic tone). Definitely makes reading more fun that way by increasing suspense and intrigue!
Reading this for the first time and I can already tell that this is going to be a hell of an experience.
Thinking back, it really was for me. I think I could have done much better now, but I think writing this was very important for my trans development.
Yo, yo, yo! By the by, your story does show up on similar stories for mine too. And by the Stars above! Your announcement is FIERY! Or... wet cat in a bath! I think that also is how it comes across. Just imagined hissing and clawing from within a towel while reading it. LOL!
I come in with just a couple bits of constructive criticisms.
"The villagers of Charade Gin, workers laborers and merchants all, inhaled in unison, and every instinct in every sapient mammal electrified to high alert." This sentence feels a little awkward. Kind of run-on. I feel like it could have been more show, like make cats leap ten feet in the air and horses break open their stables and run away, rather than tell.
""Sound the alarum!..." Is this a matter of pronunciation for the accent of the villagers? If so, then I think it should be more evident in the other dialogue. Otherwise, I think it should be "alarm," rather than "alarum."
"Spears clattered to the ground, and several women, as well as a few men, screamed." Wouldn't it be better to just do "Spears clattered to the ground with dull thuds, several people screaming in horror." Shortens the sentence but also conveys more.
The first introduction we get of the MC (Emmet, right?) is focusing on them as a tween, and on their peers as tweens as well. Happens throughout most of this chapter too. I think a change of wording which focuses on other characters (facial expression, sweating, emotional vocalizations towards the horror of the massacre, previously enjoying the entertainment, participating in the entertainment would be cool af!, etc.) rather than on the youth, which immediately sets the reader on edge as to the edge of the MC they have).
"a humanoid strode forth from the north, clad in ornate white clothing, covering every inch of their flesh. Boots, dress pants, a flowing robe with a tie to make it look almost like a tuxedo with its jet-black trim, pearly-white gloves, and the face shielded completely by a helmet that looked like a polygonal kite shield at the front, with some cutouts for eyes, not that that let anyone see what the humanoid's eyes or skin looked like." Kind of awkward. The first letter should be capitalized. And instead of listing clothing items, I think, maybe, that increasing dynamism by introducing clothing items through motion would be more interesting, perhaps? Something like "A humanoid strode forth from the north, clad in ornate white clothing, covering every inch of their flesh. Boots pressed confidently into the ground with assured strength, a flowing robe with a tie much like a tuxedo with its jet-black trim flaring around the figure's steps. Clenched fists in pearly-white gloves swung next to the humanoid's dress pants, oddly neat despite kicking up so much dust. A face shielded completely by a helmet, more a polygonal kite shield than any mask, panned over the trembling villagers emotionlessly. Cutouts for the eyes of this force of nature, void of any visible human characteristics, only heightened the inhumanity of the being." This is just to illustrate what I mean. Do not feel pressed whatsoever to use it in the least!
"the older teen kicked Emmett..." Capitalize "the" to "The"
"The four black-cloaked figures returned to the fountain-laden square, in various states of hyperventilation." They are having panic attacks? Maybe add intense breathing and nervous tics to their dialogue and actions then?
Is Bryce attacking Emmett or is Patrick attacking Emmett. It's kind of unclear.
You know? I'm going to make a revision of this in the future, and I will DEFINITELY take this into account.
Yeah Bryce attacked Emmett, and Aegis stopped that cold.
I think I get better as time goes on :3 But yeah I was writing 2000 words a day because NaNoWriMo. Then I went to 1/week about.
Oh, and yeah I was intending to have them be exhaustion; maybe I'll use that :D
@LunaSoltaer Awesome! Glad my criticism wasn't too harsh.
Aegis be da' boss! Like nahhh dude. You crush your own teammates in frontta me? You must have rose-tinted glasses to think you can get away wit' that. Here. Let me add a couple shades more of red to 'em for ya.
I have not managed to participate in any writing challenge. I'm impressed with what you were going for then!
And COOL! *stars in eyes*
@TheMonotonePuppet Oh my gosh I'm so mad at myself for not revising sooner!!! >.<
I did use some of your edits as inspirations for my own, especially that large paragraph. I'm trying not to kick myself, but UGH the sheer number of mistakes!
And the fact that even Ch1 seems a lot more composed is just bleh!
The real only bit I couldn't quickly turn around was shifting the perspective. I'll have to think on that one, but I feel with the rest of Prologue at least reasonable, I'll be able to mentally debate the latter in peace.
Thank you for persevering, and goodness gracious I feel embarrassed.
"If anyone asks what happened, tell them the Emissaries are here to save the world, and we will exterminate any and all threats to that end."
My goodness, I think I'd say it a bit differently after witnessing all that! But you have to admire the (misplaced?) conviction!
Hahaha, well! They certainly DO have that conviction in spades! It's... an audacious quality of theirs.
Welcome to the book! I must warn you, the darkness herein can be daunting, but I hope I sprinkled enough light to give it some kind of cathartic feeling. You'll also get a snapshot of the me of years past which... *shivers* but still! Gotta start somewhere!
Well second read through and I can say it's still a decent battle.
I am so glad! Thank you!!
I imagine Solstice is going to read quite differently now that you know a fair bit of the twists and turns. I wonder how many more details get found under such conditions O.O
Just please be mindful of where a Chapter is for first time readers if you're commenting in story, alright? ^_^ I know i have at least one reader who still hasn't travelled to Golden Palette
@LunaSoltaer I've noticed a few things, I'm probably not going to comment on every chapter this time around though.
@Seaspecter Haha fair enough! and yay
So at first I was like their is so much chaos in this opening scene, but then I reread the title and was like oh wait that makes sense. I like the idea of blending magick with the crusades and how they are “liberating” them from dreamer control while doing the same thing they accuse the dreamers of. Points for using “cloyed”! I had to google it. Ever the wordsmith my friend. Other than the entertainer, I did struggle to follow the early dialogue where I was not sure if 2 people were speaking or more. You fixed that at the end so I am content. I feel like the entertainer is going to be important so I am eager to read more. I also read your self-critique and it is ok that your chapter got away from you. You can always go back and tweak it later if you choose too. Anyway time to keep going, so see you at the end of the next chapter.
I like the Announcement precontent. I may need to do the same!
Okay I um I just spent what felt like quite a while calming my heart down.
I'm super happy you found something to like here! Like I saw the announcement, and who it mentioned and on what and I was just a nervous ball for a long long time! The biggest reason is - well - this is the me long LONG before I read your piece.
I think a part of me is afraid of what happens when people see where this soul of mine came from. But it's exhilarating at the same time. I think it was talking to you that I came to realise: fear and excitement are one and the same.
Thank you again for finding a light in the shadow of my past. It means a lot to me, especially after reading and catching up with Astraology.
Speaking of! Anyone passing by should absolutely go check out Lilianna's flagship work, Astraology (No that's not a typo)! I'm fully caught up in it, and I cannot recommend this book enough.
@LunaSoltaer Luna you are the sweetest and you should not be afraid of the seed
or egg
that you used to be. Its beautiful to see a person’s beginnings and growth. It helps us to appreciate the journey of others and you are no exception to that. You are beautiful inside and out and I am enjoying seeing the development of your story and spirit.
@LilliannaWinter Egg. Teehee.
Oooh a mage battle to start a novel nice.
haha yeah, it's a fairly standard introduction, and honestly I definitely feel I could have done MUCH better.
I'm actually somewhat embarrassed by my early writing, and I definitely want to polish it a little bit, to a lot. I'm looking at my absurdly high 20% drop rate and im sure quite a bit of it has to do with how I wrote these, maybe the antagonistic nature of my ANs (i was a very different woman back in 2021/2022)
Im glad you seem to like what youre reading so far! The dopamine hit is quite an experience
@LunaSoltaer Loving your honesty, but be nice to yourself. Everyone starts somewhere. Some of us start in tranquill townes and others start in the middle of a warzone. The important thing is you started and kept writing!!!