“It’s my week with him!”

“Oh I see how it is. Now that it affects you, you want to watch him. So no, go fuck yourself.”

“Really? You’re gonna pull this stunt now? I paid for the A/C repair, didn't I? What else do you want from me?! Should I just give you my kidney while I’m at it?” Dad was getting angry.

After she reported him for not paying enough child support, it was required I spend a certain amount of time with him in order to not raise the amount he had to pay and give Mom full custody. But she decided to use my failing a math test as an excuse to keep me from going over. Which I wouldn’t have failed in the first place if I had been allowed to go and study with Lance at Dad’s house. I tried to cover my ears with my pillow to drown out the noise of their arguing. Being used as a bargaining chip and scolded for avoidable shortcomings had my mind going lots of places. Usually, I could just blast angsty pop punk and alt rock to help bury my feelings. But everything had been building up for weeks. Well, years if I was being honest.

“He needs his father. He already gets picked on enough, it’s time he learned how to be a man. It’s already weird enough how much time he spends with his friend locked in his room.”

There it was, the real issue. I never fit the image of what either of them expected me to. I just wanted to be me, why was that so bad? I felt the tears running down my cheeks. I couldn’t numb myself anymore. The arguing and judging got louder and louder. I texted Lance, telling him I was at my limit. I couldn’t deal with it anymore. My chest hurt, I was breathing erratically and felt like I was falling. I couldn’t take it. I grabbed my hoodie, made my way downstairs and out the front door. I slammed it shut behind me and did the only thing I could think of. I ran.

 

The sound of my alarm was usually jarring and filled me with disdain. But this time I was relieved to have been pulled out of the past. I never understood why I hated mornings so much. Maybe it was my own fault for staying up until midnight most nights either sketching or playing games. Maybe it was because I regularly consumed enough caffeine to fuel a billionaire’s blatantly phallic rocket ship. Or it could’ve been the fact that I’d spent most of my life running from my problems instead of dealing with them. But I blame it mostly on the staying up late thing. 

It had been almost a week since the whole goth club fiasco and the trash can bet, but Lance hadn’t made any mention of it since. Though to be fair, he had been really stressed. He kept complaining about his coworker giving him grief and spent a lot more time in his room. Something was wrong, he would always tell me when something was bothering him, but it was like he’d closed himself off. I really hope I hadn’t done anything to upset him. Maybe he was still thinking about not being with someone. I tried telling him to download a dating app, but he just brushed it off and changed the subject. I wished I knew how to help. But the best thing I could think to do was make his favorite meal. 

After several hours of painstaking line work, coloring, and shading someone’s catgirl maid avatar, I sent them the file and received a message saying they didn’t like the pose. “It doesn’t really fit the character, nyaa what I mean? Maybe have one arm grabbing the apron and the other on her chin.” Yeah, just change the arms, that’s totally, super simple to do. Especially after I sent the linework two hours prior and there had been no issues with the pose then. I looked at my cup which had gotten to critically low levels of coffee. I had used the last of what we had in order to wake up properly. Fuck it, I needed to go to the store anyways.

I threw my hoodie on and made my way to the store around the corner. I needed a few things for dinner as well as more caffeine. It was nice to get out of the apartment for a while. I tended to overthink things and stay in my head. Going for a walk or a run always helped clear my mind and just let me appreciate everything around me. The leaves were changing color and going from sage green to a bright auburn. I always loved the beauty of nature and how things changed with the seasons. Something about the foliage slowly going into a different state, not quite dead, but dormant. Then springing back to life with vigor once it did what had to do to survive the winter. I guess I could relate a bit. Sometimes you just have to shed what and who you are to make it through the harsh times. But once you’re finally through, you can grow and become yourself again. Or even maybe become someone else entirely, that sure would be nice. 

I continued walking through my own ramblings until I was at the store and quickly grabbed all the items I needed. If anything could cheer Lance up it would be my famous Barbeque Chicken Mac ‘n Cheese. It wasn’t anything extravagant, but I had perfected the recipe over the years and liked to make it on special occasions. Plus, the ingredients were cheap and I could do all the prep work while the chicken was cooking. I checked out and made my way back to the apartment. I hurried a bit because I wanted to finish reworking the commission before starting on dinner. 

Once home I put everything away, brewed a fresh batch of coffee, basked in the glorious aroma of the light roast with citrus and nutty notes, and got back to work. It took more time than I was proud of to rework the entire arm structure since I was basically starting it over from scratch. But with a defeated sigh, I finally sent the new file to the client. My anxiety started spiking at the thought of having to do another redraw. I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and decided to start on dinner instead of ruminating on what might happen.

I had the chicken cooking and was in the painstaking process of grating three different kinds of cheese when I heard the front door open. It was odd, Lance shouldn’t have been off work for at least another half hour.

“You’re home early,” I said as he stepped into the kitchen. 

He just looked at me, his eyes were red, and his cheeks were flushed. He had obviously been crying. It looked like he was holding back even more tears. 

“Hey, are you okay? What’s going on?” I stopped what I was doing and ran over to him. 

“I...had a bad day at work.” His voice was cracking.

I started to reach out to him but stopped. I wasn’t sure what to do. I had never seen him so upset before. “Talk to me. What happened?” 

“I don’t wanna talk about it. I just need to be alone right now.” Tears started streaming down his face as he turned away from me and ran to his room.

My heart sank. I was frozen, unable to even process what had just happened. I knew he had been complaining about his coworker, but whatever happened must have been bad. I wanted to help, I wanted to wrap him into a hug and let him know everything would be okay. I should have. Maybe once he was willing to talk I could. I knew that pushing at the moment would only make things worse, so I did the only thing I could and got back to making dinner.

 

With the cheesiest of cheese and the barbiest of que, I pulled my concoction out of the oven and spooned a large portion into a bowl. Lance hadn’t come out of his room and I was starting to get really worried. It had been almost an hour and the image of him crying was all I could think about the entire time I was cooking. It was finally time for me to try and figure out what was going on. 

I walked up to his door and listened in but I couldn’t hear anything. I knocked lightly, trying not to startle him. No response. 

“Hey, Lance. I have food. I made your favorite.” Still nothing.

I knocked a bit harder, only to be met with more silence. I was worried before, but now I was starting to get scared. I needed to make sure he was okay. “I’m coming in!” 

I flung the door open with a bit more force than I had intended. “Please tell me what’s going on, are you oka--” 

Lance jumped up in his bed, startled by my intrusion. He was clinging to his pillow, wearing headphones, and...in a dress. Of all the places my mind had gone for what he might have been doing, this certainly was not on that list. 

“Um...hi?” I wasn’t really sure what was going on. We hadn’t made any bets since the café. 

He fumbled with his headphones after practically tearing them off his head. “Joey, what are you doing in here?”

“I--well, I noticed you’ve been a bit down lately so I made you dinner.” I held up the bowl of food awkwardly. “And after you came home crying I was worried, so the only thing I could think to do was make sure you ate something. Sorry I burst in like that; I wasn’t expecting you to be um...like this.” 

He had tears running down his cheeks again. My heart was going so many different places I’m fairly certain it just decided to stop altogether. But, I didn’t understand why he was dressed for a punishment. We only did that after losing a bet, right? Not to mention at this angle, holding his pillow and looking both vulnerable and...well he looked a certain way that made me feel weird. 

“I can explain!” His voice was cracking again. “I--um, did this to feel better.”

“To feel better? But isn’t this usually part of a punishment? What bet was this for?” I was wildly confused as to what he was saying. 

He looked annoyed. “Aren’t you sick of the stupid bets? The excuses we make to feel comfortable? I’m so tired of having to try and justify wanting to feel like myself!”

I took a step back; it wasn’t his fault, it was just my reaction to anyone raising their voice.

“I...I’m sorry. It’s been a really hard day and I was hoping to do this on my own terms.” He sat up on the bed, leaned back against the headboard, and motioned for me to sit next to him. 

I sat down and handed him the bowl of cheesy goodness. He took it and stared into the food for a moment, fiddling with the fork as steam came off the top. “I’m sorry I’ve been so hidey lately. I’ve just been thinking about a lot of things, like who I am and what I want out of life. It’s been a little scary. But today Chad at work tried to get me written up for violating the dress code.”

“Why would he do something like that? What part of it were you even violating?” I was ready to fight. Not that I would win, but, no one fucks with my friend.

“Men aren’t allowed to have hair that goes past the collar of their shirt. He’d been making fun of me for a couple of weeks now saying that I needed to get it cut and making really hateful jokes. But today he took it to our boss and I got called into a meeting about it. I tried to just explain that I wanted it longer and that it shouldn’t matter, but he kept pushing the issue until I finally blurted out...I told them that I’m transgender.” 

Oh...oohhh. They looked at me, staring as if waiting for time to start moving again. 

“Oh, I see. I think. So that means you’re…”

“A girl. It means I’m a girl.” She looked back down at her bowl. “If that’s okay?” 

I held onto the silence for a moment. My brain rapidly tried to process what was just said. I mean, it made perfect sense. She had always seemed a bit happier dressed up as a girl and always picked the girl characters in video games. Not to mention she always knew where to find clothes that would fit and made several bets that she was guaranteed to lose. 

I shook my head trying to get back to the conversation at hand. “I mean, of course. It’s awesome that you’re a girl. Who wouldn’t wanna be a girl, you know?”

She let out a huge sigh and leaned against my shoulder. “Thank you. I knew you’d understand, I was just...scared.” 

“Listen.” I turned and looked her in the eyes. “You are my best friend in the entire world. I just want you to be happy.” 

She nodded and started crying. I couldn’t imagine the stress of being forced to reveal something like that. Having to cut your hair or be written up, or worse. It had to have been terrifying. I wrapped my arms around her and we just sat there for a few minutes.

“So what happened after you came out to your boss and coworker?” I finally broke the silence. “If it’s okay to ask?” 

She sat up again and fiddled with the bowl of food and took a bite. Which was a good sign. It meant she was feeling better enough to eat. 

“I told them and my boss understood mostly. Chad didn’t take it well. He started asking me all kinds of questions and I just clarified that I’m a girl. Then he called me some things and now HR is involved. I told my boss everything that had been happening, with all the jokes and comments. He said that it’s not the first time he’s gotten complaints, but now it might turn into something bigger. So luckily I still have a job, but it’s going to be a rough time for a bit until everything is settled.” 

“I’m so sorry you had to go through that, La-- wait, shit. Um, what should I call you now? Like, for your name.” I hadn’t looked much into transgender stuff. I knew there was a huge spike in people coming out and being more open about it. But I hadn’t met anyone who was actually trans that I knew of, until now at least. But I knew most people went by new names they liked more.

She looked away, fork still in her mouth from taking a giant bite of food. “Um, I really like the name ‘Lana’,” she said through a mouthful of cheese and pasta.

“I’m sorry you had to go through that, Lana. Whatever I can do to help. Just let me know, okay?” My heart was alive again, it was beating faster than before. Something about saying that name felt right. 

 “You’ve already done the most important thing you can do. Plus the food helps a lot, actually.” She smiled, taking another bite.

“Can I ask, how long have you known?” I felt awful for not figuring it out sooner. All the signs were there. I should have noticed.

“I’ve known for a little while now. About a month or so. I just didn’t know how to bring it up. I came across a meme that was too relatable and fell down a hole of research. I mean, all the bets and trying to make excuses to dress up and act like girls. Laying awake at night wanting nothing more than to wake up in a girl’s body. We probably should have both come to this conclusion a long time ago, huh?” 

Wow, she was right, I couldn’t help but think how relatable all that was. “Yeah, I’m sorry I didn’t realize everything sooner. You’re a wonderful girl and I’m so happy to be your best friend. Though I guess you’ll wanna find other girls to hang out with, huh?”

She stopped eating. “But what about you?” 

“What about me?”

“Um, well, I just figured that since I came out and you know. We both did all those bets. Is there anything you want to say or admit?” 

What was she talking about? What was I supposed to admit? Oh no, did she somehow know about the weird dreams I’ve been having about her? Which in hindsight makes a lot more sense now. Or did she know I heard her masturbating the other night? Either way, I was not about to admit either of those things.

“Uh, no? I mean, I assume, looking back on it, that you made the trash can bet as a way to go out and be you without having to come out right?”

She looked a bit confused. “Well yeah, but that completely backfired. But I just thought that since a lot of our experiences are similar, you might...you know?” It’s like she was trying to get me to say something, but for the life of me, I couldn’t imagine what that would be.

Oh...wait, I was so stupid. It was right in front of me. “Oh, I see! You want me to go to the goth club with you for vampire night dressed as a girl so you won’t be alone, right?” 

“Well, yeah, but…”

“Of course I’ll go! After all, I did lose the bet. Plus I wanna support you in any way I can. I’ll probably be a nervous wreck cause I’m not actually a girl like you, but I’ll be there for solidarity. Plus it’ll be fun to go and hang out, just the two of us!”

Her face was devoid of all emotion and comprehension. Like the wheel was still turning, but the hamster was nowhere to be found. I could tell I had been spot on in my analysis, she was so excited she was practically speechless. No matter what would happen next, I was happy to have to still have my best friend. Lana.