There was nothing like lying awake at three in the morning, unable to sleep because your best friend came out as a girl, and you finally put certain events in perspective. Like overhearing what you thought was porn, but in light of recent information, it crossed your mind that those noises were actually coming from her. Sometimes I wished I could just shut my brain off and have a normal night for once. 

I kept thinking about how things were going to change between us. Also about the dreams I had been having about her. I guess I didn’t have to feel bad about her being a girl in them. But I still felt weird for having those kinds of dreams about her at all. Sure they had been happening since we were in high school. It’s not like I never had the wandering thought. But she was my best friend, and she deserved a pretty girl. Or guy, or person. No matter the case, she deserved someone that could make her happy. 

I decided that lying in bed constantly overthinking wasn’t helping me, and there was no way I was going to be able to sleep. I just said “fuck it” and got on my computer to research more about trans people. If I was going to support her, I needed to know the best way to do so.

Turns out, there’s a lot of information about trans people on the internet. But it really seems like you have to sift through a mixture of stuff to get to what you're really looking for. I probably scrolled through hundreds of sites, posts, and memes. A lot of people had shared experiences, some I could definitely relate to. But others were so vastly different and it's like there was no one way to be trans. Which makes sense, we all have different lives, I just wanted to make sure that I was doing everything I could to be there for my friend. But when the sun starts to come up and you're feeling called out by a bunch of Twitter posts, it's a sign to try and get sleep. 

My chest was aching, my mind had been so focused on just escaping that I didn’t even realize where I was or how long I had been running. It was dark outside as my legs gave out from under me. I fell to the ground trying my best to catch my breath. My mind was finally syncing up to my body and they were both angry. I let out a scream as loud as my lungs would allow me while the tears streamed down my face. I just wanted to stop being such a disappointment, what was I doing wrong? I kept trying and doing everything I could, but it was never enough. My parents didn’t care, they just wanted to hurt each other. I didn’t matter, what I wanted didn’t matter, who I wanted…

“Joey!” Hi-- no, her voice rang out from behind me. “Joey, what are you doing out here?”

I opened my eyes to see Lana running to me, the faint glow of headlights behind her. Why was she here? Why did she look so different? This was familiar, but everything was off. 

“What’s going on? Are you okay?!” She ran to me and knelt down beside me. Her voice was so full of concern it made me want to cry even more. 

Fuck! I was dreaming again. This was all wrong. I mean, it was all accurate. But Lana was Lana now, and I wasn’t running from my emotionally and occasionally physically abusive parents anymore. Why did I have to keep coming here? I just wanted to bury all of this. But at least I could be safe in Lana’s arms, if only for a few moments again. 

“I’m okay,” I lied. “My parents were--being harsh tonight. I just needed to get out.” 

“Come here.” She wrapped me in a hug that unlocked the floodgates of my tear ducts I had built up over years of repression. 

We spent an eternity on the ground in a park not too far from Lana’s old house. Nothing else mattered in that moment. If only I could have said what I wanted to. But I spent the rest of the night in silence at her house while her mom called my parents to let them know I was safe. Not that they even noticed I was gone.

Even on my best of days, I struggled with the one and a half feet of distance between myself and the toilet bowl. Yet somehow, a giant ball of fire floating in space, one hundred and fifty million kilometers away, had such precise accuracy it managed to pinpoint my eyes through the slightest of openings in my blackout curtains. I think it’s sufficient to say, I have never been a morning person. 

Rolling out of bed was an artform, a daunting, painful artform. But I had mastered the technique over the years. I fell out of my bed with a loud thud, making sure not to hit my head, unwrapped myself from the cocoon that I call a blanket, and sluggishly began my day. 

The glorious smell of coffee filled the apartment and my soul as I tossed some bacon into a pan for breakfast.

“Mhmm, that smells delicious.” Lana shyly enterented the kitchen.

I turned around in a bit of a surprise. I wasn’t entirely sure what time it was, but it was definitely late morning on a weekday. 

“Oh! Lana, hi. I--uh, wasn't expecting you to be home.”

She brushed the hair out of her eyes. “Sorry, didn't mean to startle you. I talked with my boss and we both think it’d be best for me to take today off so I can get a bit of a break and a long weekend. I figured maybe we could hang out today. If that's okay? But if you like, need space or anything, just let me know, I totally understand.” 

Somehow she managed to look stunning just standing there awkwardly in nothing more than leggings and a loose t-shirt. Seeing her now it was hard to think anyone could have ever seen her as anything other than a girl. 

I then realized I hadn’t said anything while she was nervously awaiting a response.

“Yeah, no, totally! I’d love to hang out! Here, let me make you breakfast.”

I poured her a cup of coffee with extra cream and sugar and set it on the counter for her, then added a few more strips of bacon into the pan.

I heard her take a big sip from behind me with a sigh of relief after. “Oh gosh. I hope I’m not intruding on anything, am I?” She giggled. Why did she giggle?

She was usually at work by the time I woke up, so I never really cared too much about what I wore around the apartment until the afternoon. The issue being I may have gotten into the habit of wearing my skirt when Lana was at work. I looked down at my skirt, and then to Lana, who was smugly taking another sip. 

“I--um, can explain…” Fuck, I had gotten so used to wearing it the past week when I was alone I put it on out of habit when I got up. 

“Hey, no complaints here. It really shows off your legs.” She smirked at me.

The redness in my face was comparable to that of a generically named tomato who sings about god. I ran to my room and tore the skirt off my body as fast as I could, then slid into my usual baggy jeans. I considered boarding up the door to my room so I could spend the rest of my life in isolation, and pray that my embarrassment would fade into nothing but a distant memory that future civilizations would only learn about through memes. Unfortunately for me, that would mean the bacon on the stove would burn. Despite the still redness in my face, I walked back to the kitchen and did my best to focus only on the sizzling fatty delight in the pan, and not the look of sadness on Lana’s face.

After a few minutes of only the sound of popping grease, Lana decided to break the silence between us. “Please don’t feel like you need to act any differently around me, okay? I’m still me. You don’t have to hide anything or be embarrassed.”

My chest sank. Did she think I was ashamed of her? Oh no, maybe she thought I was making fun of her by wearing a skirt and being a guy. Fuck, was it transphobic to do that? (thanks, nighttime research, now I can put actual definitions to my dumbassness) The last thing I wanted to do was make her feel bad. 

“I’m so sorry. I just, um, was trying to get used to wearing the skirt more because of the whole goth club bet. I’ve been really nervous about going out in public dressed like a girl so I thought that wearing it around the apartment would help me get used to it. It’s been oddly comfortable. But I take it off before you get home from work because I didn’t want to raise any questions. I see now that it might be wrong or like, invalidate you by doing it. I’m so sorry. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable or…” My rambling was cut off by Lana wrapping her arms around me. 

“Hon, you’re absolutely fine, okay? You need to give that overthinking sack of anxiety you call a brain a rest sometime.” She poked my forehead. “I just want you to be you, and me to be me. You didn’t offend me or anything. I just don’t want you to close yourself off from me like you do with everyone else. If you like wearing the skirt, by all means wear it.”

I let out a sigh of relief and the tension in my shoulders dropped. I was just scared of losing my friend. The last thing I wanted to do was fall short like I always had and ruin things.

We eventually sat down and ate breakfast while I checked my messages from a client who wanted a drawing of their fursona squatting down over a pumpkin with a surprised look carved into it,  saying “Time to finish my jack-OH-lantern” and apparently the ass wasn’t right. 

"A guy once told me to make his character's ass approximately the size of two watermelons and you know what? I appreciated the clarity." I felt like slamming my head into the table, but Lana just giggled.

She set her mug down, “You know, if you want to take a break today. I was actually going to suggest we go shopping. I want to get an outfit for vampire night at the club. And maybe we could get you one too. If you still want to go, that is. You totally don’t have to.”

My heart skipped. “I still want to go!” I said a bit too eagerly. I coughed and adjusted my tone. “I mean, yeah I still want to do it if you’re okay with me dressing up. I want to support you and be there for solidarity. Plus I lost the bet anyways. Since it’s probably the last bet that we’ll ever do, I'd regret not following through with it, you know?” 

“Right…” She rolled her eyes. “I’m gonna go get dressed. I know the perfect store we can go to. Plus the changing rooms are fairly spacious and it’s not the weekend, so if you’re nervous about trying things on we should be able to have some privacy.” She smiled, got up and literally skipped out of the kitchen to her room. 

How the fuck could she just do something so simple and make it seem like the absolute cutest thing in the world? Damn it. I needed to stop thinking of her as cute. Yes, I had wildly suggestive dreams about her and myself, and yes, I had some lingering thoughts for years that never seemed to go away, and yes, there was that one time when we tried to kiss on a dare but chickened out. But she was just my friend. After all, we were roommates. I didn't want to mess anything up between us. It’s not like she would have interest in me like that anyways. She deserved so much better. Besides, even if I told her about my dreams, I’d have to explain why I was also a girl in them. Which didn’t really mean anything, but I’d rather not delve into that any further than I needed to.

After getting ready, a short drive, and trying very hard not to think about the fact that we were going to the mall to try on girls clothes, I calmed myself down enough to get out of the car. I followed Lana into a store in the mall called “Sub-Couture” which was a literal half and half mix of punk/goth and rockabilly/pinup styles of clothes, shoes, and accessories. I had seen the store in passing plenty of times. But I never had the courage to look too closely, much less actually go inside. 

As soon as I stepped in I was struck by the scent of lavender and the faint hum of early 00’s techno metal. I felt like I wasn't even allowed to be in a place so cool. Lana grabbed my hand which made me tense up for different reasons, and led me further in. My eyes wandered to every rack, the options were a bit overwhelming. Everything was so cute and goth. Luckily for me, Lana seemed to know where she was going, I was lost looking over a sea of black lace, buckles and platform boots.

We stopped in front of a wall filled with corsets and a sign that said “Fitting Rooms” when Lana waved down a store associate. 

“Hi, how can I help you today?” The girl with half black and half blonde hair said in a much cheerier tone than I was expecting.

“My friend and I were hoping to get a couple of rooms so we could try some stuff on.” Lana seemed way more confident than I could have ever imagined. Then again, she was always the more outgoing one between us.

“Sure! Can I get your names to put on the stalls?” 

 “Um…” Lana glanced at me. I was still trying to process her holding my hand. “Just put Lana on both of them.”

“I’ll get them unlocked and ready. My name is Alice if you need anything.” The associate smiled then walked to the back.

Lana turned back to me. I was staring all too intently at our hands which she had yet to let go of. 

“You doing okay?” she asked in a soft tone.

I looked up and nodded. “Yeah, I think so. Just nervous I guess.”

“You’ve got nothing to worry about. I’m here with you. C’mon, this is supposed to be fun. This is nothing compared to the thrift shop we went to when we were in high school. Let’s start with a color scheme. You’ve always looked great in red and black. Why don’t we start with that and see what we find?”

I nodded again and was pushed to the racks to begin searching for the perfect outfit to dress up as a girl in. 

I must have looked at dozens of different tops, skirts, jumpsuits, and dresses. Everything was so gorgeous! I couldn’t decide on what to try. I had never really spent more than a few panicked minutes in the womens clothing section, so this was a new experience and my chest was in outer space. Lana already had an armful of things and I was just trying to not look weird. I rummaged through a few more racks until I saw something that caught my eye. It was a black dress with lace trim and sleeves, a flared and almost poofy skirt, dark red accents and a burgundy center leading up from the skirt to the neck with black floral designs sewn in. It was perfect.

I quickly scanned through the rack for one in my size until I found it. I grabbed it and held on like it was going to vanish into thin air. I tried my best to look around for something else to try on, but the dress was all I could think about. Lana came over to me with a lot of different things in her hands. 

“How’s the search going?”

I looked down at the dress I was holding. “Um, I found this. I think it looks nice.” 

“Oh my gosh, that would look amazing on you! You have to try it on!” Her eyes beamed at me.

“Really? You think I’d look good in it?” I never looked at myself in the mirror dressed up as a girl. In fact I generally avoided mirrors at all costs. 

“Totally! Here, try this with it while you’re in there. It’ll help with the rubbing against your chest. Trust me.” Lana placed a bra-type garment in my hands. “It’s a bralette. Not as much support as a bra, but also no need to pad or stuff it. Unless you want to.” She smirked and grabbed my hand again, leading me to the fitting rooms in the back.

I could have sworn her hand was shaking, or maybe that was me unable to actually focus on anything other than what I was about to do. Either way I was delving into a realm of the unknown. The demonic clutches of leather and lace had sunken into me. As I entered the stall and laid the dress and bralette out, I knew there was no turning back. I couldn’t let Lana down. Yeah, that was it. I had to do this for her, and for no other reason. 

I slowly disrobed and stood in front of the dress. I shakily put the bralette on as best I could; it felt odd. I wasn't used to the pressure being on my chest; it was usually coming from inside of it. The material was soft, though. I ran my hands up my chest and it felt a rush of something shoot through me. I couldn’t quite place the feeling. I had felt it before, but it was a weird mixture of anxiety, but also good? Is there good anxiety? I tried shaking off the feeling and turned my attention back to the dress. As carefully as I could, I stepped into the top of the garment, sliding it up my body and easing my arms through the lace sleeves. I zipped up the back and looked down at myself. The dress was so beautiful. It felt like nothing else I had ever worn. I tried to work up the courage to look at myself in the mirror. I had purposefully gotten dressed with my back to it. I always hated looking at myself. It wasn’t usually because of the way I looked, but whenever I dressed up like a girl, the last thing I wanted to see was a guy in a dress looking back at me. 

I was spaced out on the sensation of dissociation when a knock on the stall door sent my heart to a different realm, where it would have to team up with kangaroo freedom fighters to overthrow an oddly sexy villainess, which in no way gave me a mixture of feelings as a kid. 

“Hey, Jo-- uh, hon. Are you doing alright in there?” Lana’s voice was higher pitched than usual.

“Yeah, I’m good. I got the dress on. I think it looks okay.” I wasn’t exactly confident, but I had to try for her sake.

There was a short pause. “Can I see?” she asked in the softest voice I had ever heard her use.

I took a deep breath; my hands were shaking as I unlocked the door and slowly opened it to reveal Lana standing there in a lace-up black halter top with white stripes down the side and mesh around her neck like a collar, with a black skirt that had buckles running diagonally down the the front and side. We both stared at each other for longer than either of us wanted to admit. My cheeks must have been as red as my dress and Lana kept opening her mouth to say something, but nothing was coming out. It was like we were back in high school again, just total useless wrecks. 

For once, I was the one to break the silence. “You look amazing, Lana. That outfit fits you perfectly.” She was absolutely stunning. 

She grinned; her smile could light up the darkest abyss. She then walked away. I was standing there, not sure what had just happened. Did I do something wrong? Did I say the wrong thing? Oh god did I look ugly in the dress? Was I not pulling off the look? My spiral was interrupted by Lana returning with a box. She set it down in front of me and opened it up.

“Here, try these on.” 

I pulled out one of the shoes: it was an ankle-length boot with buckles over the laces and a slight lift in the heel. My eyes widened as I quickly realized they were meant for me and I slid one on. It felt snug but comfortable. Maybe with the extra height I could finally look Lana in the eye instead of looking up at her. She was only a few inches taller than me, but it would still be good to be on her level for once. 

“You look beautiful, J--” Lana looked away. “You look really cute.” 

She kept stopping just short of calling me by my name. Maybe she thought it was safer to not use a guy's name? I remembered reading about how people could be really shitty towards trans people. Plus there was everything I heard from my parents as a kid which confirmed that fact. 

“Um, Lana. I was thinking. Maybe, while I’m dressed up like this, and when we go to the club tomorrow night.” I tried to calm my nerves. Why was it so hard to say? It was for safety. “Maybe you could call me by a different name. So like, no one asks too many questions about why I’m dressed like this and using a guy’s name.” 

Lana looked at me with a mixture of reactions. I couldn’t quite tell what she was thinking. 

“What name do you want to go by?” she asked in a very calm and almost muted tone.

There was only one name that came to mind. “I was thinking. Maybe, you could call me Kenzie.” 

I felt her hand on my shoulder. “I think Kenzie is a very cute name. It suits you.” She smiled and I felt everything I had been holding let go. My chest relaxed, my shoulder dropped and I started breathing again. 

We got everything together and even grabbed some striped stockings and arm warmers in our respective colors before checking out. The associate Alice was very sweet and even gave us a ten percent discount. She said something about seeing an egg crack was always worth it, and made a comment about queer solidarity, to which Lana laughed, but I was completely in the dark about what was so funny. 

It had been a very long, stressful, and anxiety-inducing day. But we made it home and finally got to relax and get everything ready for vampire night. Which was a mere twenty-four hours away at that point. Lana was going to help me with makeup and we were going to go have fun and let loose. It felt weird, though. Knowing that it would be the last time I had to endure The Punishment. After that, I wouldn’t have any reason to dress up like a girl anymore. Lana would start hormones, get even cuter, and find some really nice person to start dating. I would just keep making shitty avatars and OC’s until she moved in with her new partner and finally lived her life to the fullest. I knew everything would have to end eventually. I felt the tears start to form and slowly trickle down my face, but I was unable to process why I was crying. I kind of thought we’d always be roommates. But life happens, and I could at least have fun with my last night dressing up as a girl. I wiped the tears away just in time. 

“So…” Lana walked into the kitchen where I was busy lost in the chasm of my own thoughts, while trying to draw an ass that could crack the moon. “I’m curious. Where did you come up with the name Kenzie?”

I froze, unsure of how to dodge the fact that she called me that name in a sex dream, where we were both girls before she even came out as one. Just totally normal things guys dream about, right? Well…fuckle. 

RavenKane

Thank you again for reading! I absolutely loved writing this story and I hope you enjoy reading it. I'll be releasing the next few chapters over the coming weeks. I'm almost done with the final chapter and it will be uploaded to Patreon as soon as it's done. Thank you all!