Everyone always talks about the elephant in the room. That big thing that you can all see, but no one decides to address until it becomes an issue. What happens when that elephant isn't just one thing, but a culmination of a bunch of little things? Like showing up to work with makeup on, or slowly growing your hair out, or freaking out at a party full of trans girls when you pretend to be one online and cause a scene, essentially alienating yourself from your one work friend who helps you get through the day, or having your car battery die, and after a failed attempt at jumping it off, you're now sitting in deafening silence with said friend, driving back to your apartment at night. What then?

“Sooooo--about the other night.” I took a deep breath, trying to find the words to explain everything. My heart was in a heated debate with my chest, trying to claim refuge somewhere beyond my physical being. 

“I know. I’m sorry. We were way too pushy.” Lacy cut me off. “I should have been more considerate. I thought that maybe you would feel comfortable enough to let that wall down being around other queer people and maybe we could get to know each other better. But it was too much, I’m sorry.”

“I mean, the talking around me kind of made me feel left out of whatever running joke was going on. But I shouldn't have stormed out like that and made such a scene. I enjoyed the night, everyone was nice but--I just felt guilty. I didn't belong there. You’re so cool and nice to me. But I don’t deserve it. I’m not like you.” I felt the tears welling up in my eyes. I needed to keep it together. I had to come clean, to someone. 

The car came to a stop outside my apartment. 

“What do you mean, not like me?” Lacy turned to me. 

How could I even begin to explain? It had been two years. In all that time I hadn’t told a single person what I did. There was no point. Everyone left at one point or another. So why bother saying anything? But Lacy wasn't like other people. At least, not so far.

“I--do you wanna come inside? I want to explain what’s been going on. But I’m starving, and I think if I do this on an empty stomach I might puke. Plus, I at least owe you a meal for driving me home.” 

Lacy began to say something, but was interrupted by her stomach growling so loud I could almost feel the vibrations. I couldn’t help but  giggle. She looked absolutely mortified, then after a moment started laughing along with me.  

After the tension was successfully broken we made our way inside and I whipped up a quick meal. In my experience, food made everything better. After the night I had had, I definitely needed it. It was funny though, Lacy was the first person to be inside my apartment since I had moved in. Not even my sister or parents had come to visit. Even when we were on speaking terms. She had been better to me in the last eight months we had worked together, than anyone had in a while. I always felt comfortable with her. Well, as comfortable as a guy could feel around a girl who he kind of maybe had a cru…

“Thanks for the food L–thanks.” Lacy set her bowl down and leaned back in the chair. 

I don't think either of us really knew what to say. I wasn't even sure where to begin. ‘Hi I needed money so I dressed up like a girl and fucked myself on camera while knowingly impersonating a trans girl for two years to pay rent.’ Yeah, that'd sure come across well. 

I dragged my hands across my face in frustration. “Okay, I think it’s easier if I just show you. Stay here for a moment, and please, please know I don't mean any disrespect by doing this. Okay?” 

Lacy cocked her head to the side and stared at me quizzically before nodding. I went into my room, took a deep breath, and got changed. I put on my favorite dark yellow plaid skirt, a bra and black long sleeve top, and low cut black canvas tennis shoes. I had dressed in many different outfits, most of them much more revealing than what I was currently wearing, but I had never done it around other people. The amount of adrenaline that was coursing through my veins would have been enough to recharge my car's battery. 

I took another deep breath, counting to ten and going back into the small but oddly cozy space I called my living room. “So, this is why I freaked out the other night.” 

Lacy turned and looked at me. Her eyes lit up. “Oh my god Alice you look so cute!”

Wait, what the fuck did she just call me? “Wait, what the fuck did you just call me?” 

“Oh right, sorry. I’m stealing the moment, please go on.” She sat back and gave me her full attention. 

“No, why--how do you know that name?” There was no way she could know right? The only way she could know was if she…

Lacy blushed. If I wasn't so utterly flabbergasted at the even bigger elephant now bursting through the room Dumbo thicc and squashing the other elephant, I would have been almost as equally shocked by seeing her blush for the first time. 

“Okay, I can explain.” She looked away and bit her lip. “I may be currently subscribed to your OnlyFans.” 

I walked out in a fucking skirt and there I was being floored at the reveal from Lacy instead. She knew, this whole time? 

“I--what? You already know? How? When?” Words were never my strong suit.

She leaned back and looked away. “Well, yeah, for a while now I guess. I was already subscribed when you got hired at Jay’s. I figured it out a few weeks after you started. I never said anything because I assumed the last thing you wanted to hear was, hey you’re cool, and by the way, I enjoy the porn you make.” 

It didn't make any sense. I tried so hard to make sure everything was hidden. So much time and energy spent on keeping my secret. I mean, yeah there were days I forgot to take off my eye liner, and days where my voice was hoarse from practicing sounding like a girl, and sure, maybe there was that one time I forgot to take my wig off while at work…Okay maybe there were a few signs. But still. 

“How did you find out?”

“I mean, I had seen a bunch of your videos. And uh, when you strain or groan from lifting things, hon, you sound exactly like you do when you moan. Not to mention all that voice work you’ve been doing, really shows. You literally look and sound like a girl already. And uh, remember that one video where you did a close up shot of you masturbating?” She got up and walked over to me.

I nodded, completely unsure of what was about to happen.

Lacy reached out and grabbed my hand. My heart began to float like an elderly man and his overly peppy grandson on their way to an untimely yet completely avoidable demise. 

She turned it over, exposing the underside of my wrist. “Your Zelda tattoo was visible in great detail almost the whole time. At first I thought maybe you were just closeted. But after talking with you and getting to know you, I realized that you were still an egg. So I’ve tried to help push you in the right direction as carefully as I can. Plus, you’re a genuinely cool person and I enjoy talking with you and hanging out. You literally make work bearable.” 

Oh gosh, that was a lot to process. If only I could’ve upgraded my brain's hardware to actually handle it. So people could actually see everything I had done to be more like a girl. Was it really so obvious? And Lacy, thought I was an egg? But, I’m not actually trans. I couldn't be. I mean, I just did all of this for the money right? Or did I actually want it? What did I want? I’d been in survival mode for so long… 

Everything started getting blurry, my head was lighter than my wallet after paying rent. My chest was vibrating at speeds only known to comic book heroes and the beginning and end of Gotye’s musical career.

“I--I--um. I’m not, no. I--words.” I was trying to piece together something, anything that resembled the human language. 

“Hey, Alice, Lo, look at me. Calm down okay?” Lacy’s voice was nothing but a distant echo. 

I had spent two years by myself. No family, no real friends, just me, and my videos. I had spent all my time thinking of new ways to get off, new ways to dress like a girl, new ways to be more comfortable with myself. But was it actually me? Who even was me before? I wasn’t sure. I just wanted everything to stop closing in around me. I needed everything to…

Everything stopped as I felt myself hoisted into the air and pinned against the wall. I blinked several times, calming my rapid breathing, gaining focus by staring into Lacy’s eyes. She stood there, all six foot two inches of her, holding me like I was nothing. Staring back into my eyes with the softest smile I had ever seen her give. 

“Hey, it’s okay. Just take some deep breaths and calm down. I know what you’re going through. Well, at least to an extent. My egg cracked long before I considered posting nudes online. But I've been to some pretty bad places, mentally, emotionally, Jacksonville. I’m here for you.” Her voice was calm, and sweet. Not her usual intimidating confident tone. 

“But, I’m not trans. Am I?” I was starting to snap out of my existential panic. 

She took a deep breath. “You can be whoever you want to be. But from the looks of it.” Her eyes ran up and down my body. “I think deep down, you know.” 

Did I? Did I know? Just because I might have had some deep seeded longing to be different than how I was. Just because I had never felt like I fit in, like I was always trying to be who people wanted me to be, instead of really taking a look at who I wanted to be. I just wanted to make people happy. I wanted to be the person they expected me to be. I tried, but maybe I never was that person. Maybe I was always…

“Okay, I’m gonna have to let you down now. You may be small, but I can’t hold you like this forever.” Lacy said as she lowered me to the ground. 

I wasn’t sure of what to say, or what to do. I had a lot of things to work out. But more importantly I had realized, somewhere between yelling at an NFT Bro who had definitely masturbated to me at some point, and having a literal meme recreated by my coworker pinning me to the wall, I had forgotten to take my pills for the night. 

“Give me one second I need to take my pills.” I quickly made my way into my bedroom, completely throwing every bit of emotional turmoil that was in my head out the window. I grabbed the bottle off of my dresser and went to the kitchen to get some water. 

Lacy glared through me. Or, not me, but the bottle I was holding. She was mesmerized by it. Fixated on nothing else, yet, somehow gazing thousands of yards away. 

“Is--is that what I think it is?”

RavenKane

Hi all! Thank you for reading! Hope the cover makes sense now lmao. The story is finished and the last two chapters are up on my Patreon. I will be working on some commissions next before I start on the next series. I hope you enjoy the rest of Only Fan.