Chapter 31: Hades

“Spot?" Alisha asked, staring at the truly massive three-headed dog in front of us. “Are you serious? That doesn't sound like a scary name at all!”

“But it's fitting," I said, then pointed at the black spots all over its white fur. “See?”

“That's beside the point," Selene said. “How do we even go about fighting this thing?! Hey, Melinoe, what are you doing? Get back here!”

Instead of standing behind us like the squishy caster she was Melinoe had simply pushed past us, between Selene and me, and had run up to the gigantic dog.

“Oh Spot, I've missed you!" she cried.

The giant dog leaned down its three heads, presumably to gobble her up like a snack, but then a sound shook the cavern and it took me a moment to identify it. The dog was whining from its three huge throats.

Melinoe reached up and rubbed the beast's fur. “Yeah, I've missed you too, I've missed you too," she cooed at it. “I'm sorry I was gone so long.”

She started scratching under the chin of its middle head and the beast curled up and thumped its hind leg against the ground at the attention, shaking the ground in the process.

“Well," I said, putting my sword away, “crisis averted I guess.”

“Sit!" Melinoe commanded and the dog obediently sat back down on its hind legs, looking even more enormous now. Then she held out one of her dainty little hands. “Shake!" she told the giant beast and in response it reached out with one of its massive front paws, big enough to squash her entire body underneath it, and gingerly placed it onto the demigoddess' palm. She tried to move her arm up and down and the gigantic monster was a good sport about it, obediently lifting and dropping its enormous paw a couple of times. “Yes, you're a good boy, aren't you?" she cooed and then fumbled with her bag of holding before pulling out giant pieces of meat that added up to an entire cow when she was done.

The middle head reached out and opened its maw, the jowls pulling back to reveal those distressingly big fangs again, and was about to swallow the entire mountain of meat when Melinoe thwapped it on the nose, saying:

“Bad boy. Learn to share.”

The middle head whined and pulled away one of the biggest pieces of meat, then leaned back and let the other two heads pick up the rest.

“Good boy," she said once all the heads were snacking. She turned around to us. “Sorry, I didn't get to see him for almost two months. I needed that.”

“No problem," I said, in absolute awe at how she handled this giant monster. Then again, I supposed to her it wasn't a giant monster but instead just a very large and ungainly family pet.

“Hey Spot, these are all friends," Melinoe said, pointing at us. “Remember Auntie Tina?”

The three huge heads leaned down and scrutinized us. The mouths opened and three enormous tongues lolled out. The heads came closer and I worried they would slobber all over us.

Please don't, please don't, please don't...

But then only the rightmost head reached out and licked Athena, causing her to shriek. Then the head sneezed, covering her in an additional layer of gunk on top of the saliva.

“Stupid mutt," she muttered and in response the rightmost head whined.

“Don't be mean," Melinoe said. “He can understand you, you know?”

Athena looked down at her body covered in slobber and I took a moment to commit the view to memory before I took pity on her. I rummaged in my bag of holding and then tossed her a cleaning stone.

“What's this?" she asked.

“Squeeze it," I said. “It'll clean you up. But careful, it feels...”

She let out a loud squeal and shook all over as the stone's magic discharged and rushed across her skin and clothes, cleaning them up.

“Weird," I finished flatly as she stood there, looking even more flustered than before.

She glared at me but then she realized that she was completely clean again and just shrugged instead. “Shall we get going then?" she asked.

“Spot?" Melinoe asked. “Can you open the door for us?”

The beast barked eagerly, the sound shaking the earth it was so loud, and then jumped against the giant door it was guarding, throwing its entire weight against it. Even with that the door took several seconds before it started opening inwards and when it was open Spot's side heads kept their noses poked against the doors to keep them open as Melinoe led us underneath the dog, walking comfortably underneath its massive body, the panting of the middle head ruffling our hair as we passed.

“Isn't he just the cutest thing?" Melinoe gushed.

“He's pretty amazing but 'cute' isn't the word I'd choose," Selene said, looking back at the giant beast to see it lean back so the door could close.

“I mean yeah, he's a tad bit big but he can do puppy dog eyes like nobody's business.”

“He definitely has bigger eyes than any dog I've ever seen," Alisha said. “You're pretty good at handling him, I must say.”

“We basically grew up together," Melinoe said. “And he's just a big sweetheart. Clumsy, too.”

“It kind of feels like he's out in a kennel," Yume said. “I feel a little bad for him.”

“Oh we take him inside sometimes," Melinoe said. “He's just too big to keep him inside all the time. And when he really wants to run daddy lets him chase the sinners in Tartarus.”

With that cheerful mental image firmly in place we decided to keep on walking. Beyond the door was a great hall of marble polished to a mirror sheen, dark green and gorgeous. Columns to either side held the massive structure upright and the place was big enough to remind us what this place was. All the shades came through here and the place was clearly designed to impress them. And yet, despite all that, it didn't look oppressive or scary, it just looked really amazing. The shades weren't told that they were going to suffer. They were simply shown that they were home now. It was a pretty incredible place, all things considered.

Of course, soon enough we reached a place that looked like a throne room, with two enormous, empty thrones at the far end.

“This place looks a little pompous," I said quietly. “Not really how I imagined Hades and Persephone to live.”

“Indeed," Melinoe said. “This place is just to keep up appearances. They hate it. That being said, normally this is where they receive visiting gods, so...”

She led us through the giant throne room and then off to the side into a much more modest living space. It was still big, slightly bigger than Anna's our villa, but nowhere near as imposing as the throne room. But still there was no sign of Hades and Persephone. I was starting to get a bad feeling when I noticed Melinoe blushing as she looked at one closed door in particular.

It took me a moment to realize what had her so embarrassed. There were very, very muffled moans and groans coming from behind the door and a pair of lacy undergarments was dangling from the doorknob.

“Well," Melinoe said, a little louder than strictly necessary, “make yourselves at home. Can I offer you some refreshments while we wait?”

“Sure," Athena said. Her tone was so relaxed that I was beginning to think she hadn't been lying when she'd told me that seeing and hearing other people have sex did absolutely nothing for her.

Melinoe ushered us to a large table and gestured for us to sit as she grabbed some drinks from an ice box.

“Glad to see they still have fun together," Alisha said. “I've always heard gods have a bad habit of getting bored of their partners.”

“They're still as in love as on the first day," Athena said. “It's honestly a little baffling. No other Olympian couple is as devoted to each other as these two.”

“That's one way of putting it," Melinoe said. “Another way of putting it would be that I foolishly asked for siblings when I was a child and they've been doing their best to fulfill that request ever since.”

“Do gods have a hard time conceiving?" Selene asked.

“Pretty much," Melinoe said. “Or more to the point, gods have a hard time conceiving with other gods.”

“Like elves, then?" I asked, thinking back to how Alisha had told me that elven women had a very hard time getting pregnant from elven men.

“Much, much worse," Melinoe said. “It can take gods centuries to have a single child.”

I raised an eyebrow at that. “Last I checked Zeus had five siblings.”

“Yeah," Melinoe said. “And that took Rhea and Cronus most of a millennium. So, total shock, I have a grand total of one little sister.” She paused and looked at the door with the silken undergarment hanging off the doorknob. “Despite how... in love... my parents are with each other.”

“I think it's encouraging that people can spend that much time together without growing bored," Alisha said.

“I guess it is kind of sweet when you look at it that way," Melinoe said. “But it's still mortifying.”

At just that moment the door swung open and an absurdly handsome man stepped out of the bedroom, clad in only a towel and dripping wet.

Hades looked a lot like how I'd expected but somehow more so. He was tall, as tall as me, his face handsome and full of sharp angles. His cheekbones were sharp enough to cut yourself on, his chin was strong and his nose was both sharp and a bit blocky. He wore a neatly trimmed goatee and mustache and his hair was short cropped, all of it midnight black. He was tan and had chiseled muscles and, oddly, he had scars running over most of his upper body. I had always assumed gods didn't scar but clearly they did. The pale splotches on his otherwise olive skin looked like they'd been made with a scourge or a whip and whatever had caused them had probably hurt like a motherfucker. This was a man who should have inspired awe and terror. Even clad in just a towel he exuded power and dignity, though the dignity was slightly lessened by the expression on his face, glowing from just having had really really great sex with the woman he loved.

He paused for a moment, his glowing expression souring as he noticed the intruders in his home, but then he noticed his daughter and his sharp face broke into a radiant smile.

“Meli!" he shouted, the cheerful tone entirely at odds with the imposing image he cut even just clad in a towel. He ran up to her and tried to hug her but Melinoe ducked out of the way and clapped him on the back.

“Dad, you're almost naked," she told him. “Put some damn clothes on.”

“Right," he said, then looked at the rest of us. “A lot of unfamiliar faces you've brought me and... Tina, is that you?”

Athena had crossed both her arms and her legs but she was smirking ever-so-slightly. “Hello uncle. Your daughter is right. Put some damn clothes on, you're making a terrible impression on the mortals.”

He chuckled, rubbing the back of his head. Then he rushed back into his room and I heard a muffled: “Meli is back home. And she brought Tina with her!” And then there was a squeal from Persephone.

“Tina?" I asked quietly. It was one thing for Melinoe to give her a nickname like that, but now I had to wonder if maybe all of the Olympians called her that.

“Shut up, Tailor," Athena shot back, all but confirming my suspicions.

Before I could tease her about the nickname the bedroom door once again opened and Hades and Persephone stepped out.

Hades looked much more regal now, clad in a black toga and wearing ornamental bracelets that covered rather large parts of his forearms. He also wore a crown. It was surprisingly inconspicuous for a crown, about as small and understated as the one Selene wore in place of a helmet, though his was slightly more noticeable thanks to the green gems set into it. Erebos gems. I wondered what that was about.

Persephone was a goddess I'd heard much of but had never seen before. She was stunning, looking at the same time completely different from how I had imagined her and perfectly fitting of her station. Her hair was a shade of light brown eerily like that of Alisha though slightly straighter and her features were a perfect blend of the smooth rounded features of her mother – though without the mad leer – and the regal sharp edges of Zeus' features. Her skin was pale, though not quite as pale as one would expect of the queen of the underworld, and her arms were covered in tattoos of flowering vines that crawled all the way up and around her throat, the vines gradually losing the flowers and gaining wicked thorns until they formed a barbed collar around her throat. She was a petite woman but the tattoos gave her a dangerous edge that was utterly ruined by the sheer infatuation she had for her husband, clinging to him to the point of practically hanging off him.

For centuries Demeter had tried to convince her kin and us mortals that Hades had stolen her daughter away against her will and from the very beginning Persephone had protested, saying that she loved her husband and was glad that she was finally rid of her psychopath of a mother, and while Demeter was still trying to keep up the lie none but her most devout followers believed her anymore. I idly wondered if Thea, the cleric from Lycia, believed that story.

Hades cleared his throat, looking a little sheepish, and said: “Now then, let's start over again. I see many unfamiliar faces here today, but as you are here with my daughter and my niece I assume they will vouch for you...?” He trailed off, turning it into a question.

In response Melinoe and Athena nodded.

“In that case, be welcome in our abode," he continued. “I tend to think we need no introduction but just in case, I am Hades, lord of the underworld, and this is my lovely wife Persephone.”

I nodded at the two of them and saw my women do the same.

“What, no snide remarks, Tailor?" Athena said.

“Why would I?" I asked. “I have no reason to disrespect either of them, oh goddess of wisdom.”

“Tailor?" Persephone asked. “Oh, you're that mortal Tina keeps complaining about, right?”

“Yes ma'am," I said, not bothering to deny it.

She leaned forward, scrutinizing me. I was worried she was going to take umbrage with me for a moment, and then she said: “My mother hates your guts.”

“The feeling is mutual," I said.

She held her neutral expression for a moment before her face broke out in a radiant smile. “I like you already.”

I smiled back.

“So, Tina, I didn't really expect you back here so soon," Hades said. “Especially not with an entourage.”

“You've been down here lately?" I asked as I looked over to Athena.

She nodded. “I did say I've been investigating this Holy Maiden. So among other things I was down here to talk to the shade of that Chosen One.” She looked at Yume and Yume gave her a solemn nod back.

As he saw the reaction Hades seemed to understand. “You're Lady Yume?" he asked her.

The fox girl nodded again.

“In that case, please accept my apologies as one of the Olympians for the way Ares treated you," he told her. “And please be assured that this Chosen One is suffering as is his due.”

“His due for what?" she asked, a little heat in her voice. “For betraying this world to the Outsiders?”

“For that," Hades agreed. “But also for the way he treated you. And also for his conduct before Ares chose him. Believe me, you were the last woman he mistreated but you were certainly not the only one. Only rarely do we get men as wicked as him down here.”

She nodded grimly. “In that case I accept your apology and thank you for informing me of his fate.”

He nodded back, then turned back to Athena. “So, what brings you down here? Did you have some more questions you need to ask of him?”

Athena took a deep breath and then said: “Olympus has been overrun.”

“I beg your pardon?" he asked.

“While I was out investigating Olympus has been overrun," Athena clarified. “Our kin have been beaten. And after speaking to the ones who sent me on this Holy Maiden's trail," she gestured at us, “I believe that she and her foul spawn are behind this.”

“B-but our kin are nigh unbeatable," Persephone said. “And Olympus is practically impossible to besiege. This couldn't have happened.”

Athena gave a sympathetic nod. “The invaders didn't kill our kin, they subdued them and are now torturing them. And you're right, they shouldn't have been able to enter Olympus as easily. But we also have reason to believe that one of our kin sold us out.”

Hades' eyes narrowed. “But who would be insane enough to do such a thing? Wait... are you suspecting us? Is that why you're here?”

“I'm not suspecting you at all," Athena said. “We came here hoping to enlist the Heroes of the Elysian Fields to help us liberate Olympus. However, when we tried to cross we were attacked by a spawn of Scylla. They do not usually wander upstream at all, never mind that far. Someone must have placed it here.”

“Wait," Persephone said. “Is that why no boats have come here for months?”

“You didn't even notice the problem?" Melinoe asked. “I've been trying to find a way to deal with it for weeks.”

“We've been a little busy..." Persephone said, a bit embarrassed.

“So you didn't bring it here to stop people from approaching?" Athena asked.

“Of course not," Hades protested. “Stars above, since when have you become so suspicious?”

“Since I was almost grabbed by a swarm of goblins as I escaped Olympus," she shot back and he winced. “But if you didn't place that spawn there, someone else did.”

“Hold on," I said and all eyes turned to me. “Athena, you said before that there is a portal in Olympus that leads down here, right?”

“That's right," she said.

“So what about that portal?" I asked. “Why haven't these invaders flooded all the way down here?”

“Only people with permission to pass the portal can enter it," Athena said.

I nodded. “Alright, that's what I figured. So, let's look at it from the perspective of our enemies. They've restrained all the Olympians they could catch in Olympus. The only ones at large are you," I looked at Athena, then turned to Hades and Persephone, “and the two of you. They can't reach your realm through this portal but they don't really gain anything by attacking you either. So instead of attacking you they simply keep you from leaving. They besiege the portal, making sure they have someone there to grab you if you happen to go to Olympus, and they place a giant, ship-sinking monster in the Styx to stop you from leaving your realm. They can't get to you but they've done their best to keep you from intervening in any way.”

“But that would mean this spawn of Scylla wasn't sent here to keep us or anyone else from getting into this realm," Athena said. “It was sent to keep the two of you locked up in here.”

“Exactly," I said.

“So, for the last two months we've been under siege and we didn't even know it? Is that what you're saying?" Persephone asked.

“That suggests an unnerving level of foresight," Hades said.

“Quite the opposite," I said and he looked up at me. “As you said, you were perfectly content to just tend to your duties. It might have taken you months to notice there was a problem in Olympus. Instead, you noticed there was something wrong with the lack of boats. I'm sure you would have done something about that eventually. So if anything, in their haste to stop you from interfering they made it more likely you'd notice there was something wrong.”

“Starting to sound more and more like Demeter might be behind this," Athena said. “Stupid impulsive decisions are her forte.”

“As much as I would love to pin this on my nutcase of a mother I must disagree," Persephone said. “She is stupid and impulsive, yes, but she wouldn't touch a sea monster with a ten foot pole being held by someone else.”

“I don't think knowing who this traitor is has any bearing on our course of action," Selene interjected. “There is a traitor and he or she needs to be dealt with. But for now the fact that the other Olympians are captured and in need of help is far more important.”

“You're not wrong," Athena said. “Even if we did find out who did it, it doesn't change what needs to be done.” She turned back to Hades. “So, will you let us go to the Elysian Fields?”

“They aren't going to listen to you," Hades told her. “Not to your requests and certainly not to your demands.”

“I wasn't going to do the asking," she said, then nodded at me. “As much as it pains me to admit this, he is the closest we've had to a Great Hero in generations. If they're going to listen to anyone it'll be him.”

“Please go on," I said. “Today has been great for my ego.”

“Fuck you, Tailor," she hissed.

Persephone looked between us, raising an eyebrow.

“I do agree that they're much more likely to listen to a request made by a group of mortal Heroes," Hades said. “But you can't arrive there exhausted from a fight. They respect strength more than anything.”

Persephone nodded. “Stay here tonight, relax and use the time to center yourselves. Then you can visit the Heroes in the morning.”

I wanted to thank her for the offer but technically we were just Athena's guard detail so I looked back at her.

“We thank you for your hospitality," she said.

“Great," Melinoe said, grabbing Alisha and Yume under the arm. “That gives us time to talk about what exactly you did with your magic back there.”

Yume seemed a little nonplussed but Alisha was grinning. “Sure. And there's a lot I want to know about your technique as well.”

“Ah, kids," Persephone said with a smile.

**

Having dinner with gods was weird. We'd gotten used to it thanks to spending so much time with Athena but it was still weird.

Having dinner prepared by gods was even weirder.

Most of the Olympians subsisted on nothing but nectar and ambrosia, mythical food and drink that no mortal sustenance could compare to, but apparently that wasn't true for all of them. Melinoe had served us perfectly ordinary, though extremely high quality, beverages before and Persephone also served us perfectly ordinary food.

Alright, no. Nothing about the food was ordinary. It was most definitely extraordinary, but there was nothing obviously divine about it. Persephone was just a damn good cook. And to Alisha's immense annoyance the queen of the underworld didn't want anyone else's help with cooking so she just had to sit with us, itching to help but unable to. Instead she busied herself talking shop with Melinoe and Yume and soon the three mages were off in their own little world.

I was sitting with Anna and Selene and noticed that both of them were getting a little clingy. I had been neglecting them both a little lately, hadn't I? If we truly had to stay there for the night I supposed there was no harm in indulging a little, was there?

But before we could indulge in those pleasures of the flesh we would first get to enjoy the pleasure of whatever magic Persephone was working in the kitchen.

Soon she brought out fresh baked bread and an enormous cave salamander roast as well as some seasonal vegetables from the surface world. I wondered aloud how she got her hands on them when she rolled her eyes, smirked at me and said: “I may be queen of the underworld but I'm still a goddess of the harvest.” And then she grabbed at thin air and suddenly held a bundle of carrots that couldn't have been there before.

I looked over at Athena and gestured at Persephone's display, then asked: “And what can you do?”

The reply was immediate. “Fuck you, Tailor.”