WARNING -  Instances of RAPE and SEXUAL ABUSE is in this Chapter.   - WARNING

 

 

 

 

           After Rachel and I removed our armor, we crawled into our nice dome tent.  Compared to the tents Sir Fionn and Alyssa were using it was both lightweight and spacious, and we put our gear to one side, and quietly got ready for bed.  I pulled off my boots and my tunic, leaving me in my undershirt, but left the rest of my clothes on – and Rachel stripped out of her fancy clothes and into her nightgown while underneath her bedroll, with my eyes averted.

 

                Once we were ready to sleep, the moment came…  I had been expecting it all day, but now that it was here, I wasn’t sure what to say.  Rachel looked even more feminine than a few days ago, her blonde hair braided into a very feminine crown that didn’t have an ounce of masculinity to it – and although I could still see parts of her masculinity, the shape of her face, and her brow, they didn’t bother me as much as before… like either I was becoming accustomed to them, or that they didn’t matter.

 

                “So.”

 

                “So.”  Rachel replied.  “Want to tell me what you were woolgathering about this morning? You’ve been quiet all day.”

 

                “A lot has been on my mind.  I’ve been having some weird dreams that are very confusing, and I’m worried about the reception I’m going to have when I get to Callenden, especially now considering Queen Hemlock and her son Michael have good reasons to not want me around – or even alive.  Maybe this trip is a mistake?”

 

                “It’ll be okay, Jeff.  Really.  You could always abdicate your right to the throne, right?  Then they wouldn’t have any reason to come after you.”

 

                “I’m not sure it works that way, Rachel.  It’s probably a lot more like Game of Thrones – you win, or you die.”

 

                “I hope not!”

 

                “Me too, but I’m not willing to risk everything on their possible generosity.  I need to be careful.  What about you?  I understand you wanted to talk to me about something too?”

 

                “Umm… yeah.  We were talking about whether… whether or not we could try to be together, before I changed to female.”

 

                “Yeah.  I remember.  I didn’t mean to blow you off – we really didn’t have time.  But now, we have all the time we need.  I’ve been thinking about it a lot of the day, honestly.  I will try, if it will make you happy.”

 

                “Really?!”  Rachel replied, sounding excited – and confused.  “I thought you still had problems with… with me?”

 

                “Rachel, either you’ve changed a lot in a week – or I have – or both.  Either way, I’m willing to give us a try, if you still want to.  I care about you a lot.  Do you want to try?” 

 

                “Yes!”

 

                “I’m just worried I’ll hurt you, if this doesn’t work, Rachel.”

 

                “I… I know, Jeff. I’ll try to not be hurt, okay?”

 

                “Okay.”

 

                We moved our bedrolls closer to each other, and we faced each other… Rachel’s face was close to mine, and we stared into each other’s eyes again… and like that time in our room at the inn, I could feel something in the air.  Closeness?  Emotion?   I didn’t know what to call it, but it felt electric…  I felt my skin flush, and I could see hers do the same.  She looked so different from ten days ago… She looked pretty girly – but she’d always had that hint about her… now that hint was amplified to far more.  She was a girl…  so I bent my head down towards her, and Rachel’s head tilted back a bit, and her eyes closed, and I kissed her.

 

                Our lips brushed tentatively at first – gently, like smoke, but then again, more firmly.  She smelled of cinnamon and flowers, and her skin was smooth as a girls… no hint of stubble or anything.  Part of me wondered what that was like, and part of me just kept kissing.  She answered with enthusiasm, and for at least a few minutes, we kissed each other over and over.  I felt an upwelling of emotion inside me that shook me – I felt off guard, and vulnerable, a little confused – but oh, so right.  Kissing her felt as natural as kissing Christie McDonald in high school, but better – better because I knew Rachel would bend over backward to not break my heart, and I would do the same for her.  It wasn’t my first kiss – but it felt like it, in my heart.  I felt like our kiss would be inscribed on my heart and soul for all time, I was so shaken and affected by it…  I pulled back, and Rachel started, and pulled back too.

 

                “Is… Is everything okay?”  She asked, worried.

 

                “Yeah…  I just… I felt something, and it shook me.”

 

                “You kiss nicely…”

 

                “Yeah, well you do too.”

 

                “Do you want to talk about it?”

 

                “About what?” I asked.

 

                “About whatever made you stop – what had you shaken?  You’ve seemed out of sorts all day, Jeff.”

 

                “Yeah, I guess I have,” I admitted.  “The dreams I’ve been having are really confusing, and there’s a girl in them that might be me, or one of my dreams or something.  I don’t know how to explain it.  It’s confusing as hell.”

 

                “Are you saying you’re a girl?”

 

                “No, I don’t think so.  I mean, when I dream, I sometimes see this girl…  She looks pretty, with long brown hair and blue eyes, and her name is Cassandra…  She didn’t used to know her name, but somehow, I did.  It’s really confusing.  I think she might be me, if I had been a girl.  I’m not sure.  She said she used to be with me all the time, but I made her go away because she hurt me too much, and I have no recollection of her or any dream like her prior to like five days ago.  When I called her Cassandra, I felt like I had a panic attack and woke up, and I was so stressed and freaked out, I couldn’t go back to bed until Sir Fionn came for us in the morning.  Frankly, I’m exhausted.”

 

                “It does sound confusing.”

 

                “Definitely.  Any advice you care to give me?”

 

                “At the moment, no…  Let’s give it a few days and see if your dreams sort it out on their own.  Is the confusion you felt from the dream the same confusion or whatever it was that caused you to pull back?”

 

                “I don’t think so… I… I was just struck by the depth of the emotion I felt when I kissed you, that I felt overwhelmed.  I’ve never felt anything like it before – and it scared me a bit.”

 

                “Are you scared now?”  She asked, pulling herself closer.

 

                “No… I trust you.”

 

                “I felt something too, Jeff.  I’ve been crushing on you for years… That kiss felt very special to me.  It felt like the only time I had ever kissed before.  Like it was my first.  Was it like that with you?”

 

                “Y..Yeah.”  I said, nervously.

 

                Rachel smiled, and put her hand on my face, dotted with bristles of five-o-clock shadow. It felt good, her hand – but the bristles on my face not so much.  They felt uncomfortable – but then again, I liked being clean shaven – wearing a beard or mustache was not something I enjoyed.  They felt gross, actually. 

 

                “Is this okay?”  She asked.

 

                “Yes…”

 

                “Is this?”  She asked again, and this time moved in to kiss me.  Her lips pressed gently into mine – but with a hunger I didn’t expect, and I kissed back, our tongues intertwining.  I closed my eyes, and wrapped her in my arms, and I felt her huddle close to me, in my grasp.  I relaxed, and we kept kissing for several more minutes.

 

                At last we pulled apart, and this time, both of us were flushed and almost panting.  I looked at her, and smiled.  “It was more than okay.”

 

                Rachel smiled at me again, looking very happy, with a little cute grin.  “I’m glad.  You know, we should get some sleep.  Morning isn’t too far off.  Care to join me?”  She asked, motioning to her bedroll.  “We could share blankets – but nothing else has to happen.  If that’s too much, I understand.”

 

                “No… I’d like that.”  I moved my bedroll next to hers, and we lay down together for the first time, as a couple.  I reached out for her, and tentatively put my hand on her torso – it felt good just knowing she was there… and she did the same with me.

 

                “Good night, Jeff.”

 

                “Good night to you too, Rache.”

 

                And together, we drifted off to sleep in each other’s arms – and as sleep took me, I dreamed.

 

 

*              *              *

 

                I drifted in a dream state for some time, remembering little – until I realized that somehow I had found myself back in my bedroom at home – on Earth… except it wasn’t the room I left ten days ago – it was from when I was considerably younger.  Why was I here?  I looked around, and saw images of my old toys – things that once mattered so much to me, and which were now forgotten. 

 

                Like Cassandra.

 

                Some of the toys were different than I remembered, though - There was my old Leap Pad – an Ipad type tablet with learning games, some Legos, and a few action figures – including a Barbie doll dressed as a US Marine.  Did I used to own a Barbie?  I couldn’t remember.  My Nintendo 3DS was there – but I didn’t remember it being pink, nor having a fashion game – Style Savvy Trendsetters…  Was this my room at all?

 

                *Are you starting to remember?* I heard a male voice say.

 

                “Remember what?” I said, turning to face the voice – and saw a kind, strong man in his mid twenties, with a strong jaw and features, clad in Mercian clothes, a gambeson of the finest quality, with a pair of red glass gauntlets at his hip, and an amulet of golden glass that looked like a simple circle on a leather thong.  I stared in shock… I could feel his presence like a hammer to the face.  I was in the presence of one of the gods.  I immediately averted my face, and bowed low, unsure of what to do.  “My Lord.”

 

                *Geoffrey, You need not avert your gaze.  I am here to talk, and to guide you, not to levy punishment.*

 

                I waited a moment, and nodded, standing upright, and turned to look at my patron – the being before me was undoubtedly Hathor, the brother of the twins.  “What would you have of me, my Lord?”

 

                *I would have you relax. Please.* Hathor waited, and I tried to calm myself, letting myself relax.

 

                *Much better.*

 

                “I… I thought I would find Cassandra here.”  I said.

 

*She is here.  You just can’t see her, Geoffrey.*

 

“She said she hurt me.  What’s going on with her, my Lord?”

 

*Your mind is coming undone, Geoffrey.  A long-buried trauma is returning to life, and old memories are being dredged up by it.  Part of the fault is ours – coming to you in your mind, like we did – is probably what triggered the forgotten memories… Had we not spoken to you, you would have remained unharmed, and likely never remembered what caused the trauma, but due to our meddling in your life, we have accidentally harmed you.  I am here to try and rectify that error.*

 

“Cassandra said she hurt me, too.  Is that true?”

 

*Yes and no.  Minds are amazing things, but they are very fragile too.  They misinterpret things they cannot understand, and sometimes block things out that are too painful to remember.  Cassandra didn’t hurt you – but she caused you to be in a situation that resulted in your getting hurt.  The return of this traumatic memory is causing your mind to splinter into different pieces – one of which is Cassandra - and I must help you reintegrate the pieces of yourself before this awakened memory drives you mad.  Please, trust me enough to let me help you.*

 

“Cassandra is me?”

 

*As much as Geoffrey is you.  There is more to your story than you know, Geoffrey.  I need to show you the events that caused your mind to be sealed – it will hurt, emotionally and physically – but it is like lancing a boil… once it is done, the healing can begin.  Once the pain has ended, I will help rebuild your psyche.  If all goes well, you will be happy, healthy, and whole.  Your mind has been broken, in a way, since you were very young.*

 

                “What happened to me?”

 

                *Let me show you…  and Geoffrey, I am sorry for the pain this will cause.  If I do not do this, you will suffer far more.*

 

                “I trust you, my Lord.  I…  Do what you have to do… I’m tired of being broken.”

 

                Suddenly, the world swirled – and I was gone… and woke in my bed at home on Earth.  It was the bed from my dream – a child’s room.  There was hair in my face, so I brushed it out with my hands, and let out a gasp as I accidentally yanked it!  It was long – like really, really long – down to my shoulders, at least.  I didn’t remember ever wearing it that long, to be honest – but it seemed right.  I looked at myself – and it looked like I was maybe ten or twelve years old, and I was wearing a white sleep shirt with pink sleeves and a sparkly rainbow on my chest, and a pair of pink and white sleep pants.  What the hell?

 

                I felt myself jump out of bed, and run to the bathroom, and do my business – and at least in this mental image I was still male down there – but I didn’t remember the girly pajamas at all.  Is this real?  Is this really something that happened?  There was no answer, so I continued to watch.  The me in the vision brushed their teeth, and then went downstairs to watch Saturday morning cartoons.  The other me spent a few hours watching Scooby Doo, Young Justice, and Kim Possible – and I could feel what they were feeling… Scooby Doo was kind of silly and boring, they thought Superboy and Aqualad were pretty cute, and so was Wonder Girl and Raven, in a goth kind of way.  Kim Possible was the bomb – but I had always liked Kim Possible, so that didn’t seem any different at all, really.

 

                Then, mom came in the room.  “Hey honey… You need to get dressed.  Your dad and I are going out this afternoon, and we’ve got a sitter coming over!”

 

                “Mooooommmm!” The other me whined.  “Do I have to have a sitter?”

 

                “Yes, Jeffrey, you do.”

 

                “Mom!  You said you would try to call me Cassandra!”

 

                “Sorry Cassie… I’m so used to the old name it’s going to take some time to get used to your new one.  Is it really the name you want?”

 

                “I think so, mom.  I just feel better this way.”

 

                Mom looked dubious, but nodded.  “Okay pumpkin.  Go get dressed.  You’ve got a half hour.”

 

                The other me nodded, and turned off the TV, and went upstairs to change – and the part that was me, now, was gobsmacked.  Was I trans?  Did this really happen? 

 

                *Yes, Geoffrey.  This is what really happened.*

 

                I felt Hathor’s voice more than heard it, and felt his comforting presence – but I also felt the creeping encroachment of a silent dread… like something bad – very bad – was going to happen, and I couldn’t stop it.  I felt scared, and started to breathe quickly…

 

                I ran upstairs, and got changed – into leggings, and a loose blue blouse with tall leg warmers and running shoes.  The other me was wearing clothes clearly intended for a girl, and I didn’t know how to respond, except by feeling more and more fear building…  This couldn’t be real!  It wasn’t real!  I felt like I was dissolving, and suddenly, I was the other me – I was Cassandra, and Geoffrey – helplessly riding along in Cassandra’s memory of whatever happened.

 

                The baby sitter arrived when Mom said they would – it was my older cousin Jacob.  He was 17 years old and was really cool – we always played videogames and stuff, at least we used to, when I was a boy.  He hadn’t seen me in a while, now that I was Cassandra.  I hoped he wouldn’t be weird about it.  Mom and dad were scared for me, because some people like me get hurt. 

 

                Only today was different.  Mom and dad left, and I started talking with Jacob – but things seemed weird, so I went upstairs to read.  Mom and dad were supposed to be home for dinner, so it was no big deal – I’d just go to my room for a while, while Jacob played on the computer or watched TV.

 

                Everything went fine, until mom and dad called around 3pm to say they wouldn’t be home until 11pm.  Jacob came up to my room, and sat on my bed, and we talked.  He asked me why I wanted to be a girl…  I didn’t know how to answer him.  I just did.  I was a girl – but my body was messed up.

 

                Then… then he asked if he could help make me a girl.  I didn’t know what he meant – but then he grabbed me, and touched me where he shouldn’t, and… and it felt good, and I felt ashamed and scared.  He made me take off my clothes, and he touched me all over… and he made me touch him.  I did it because I was scared, but I knew it was wrong.  Then he pushed me down on the bed, and started kissing me, calling me his pretty girl…  I started crying, and then he stuck his finger inside me.  He said things – wrong things, and flipped me over onto my stomach, and then I felt a pain in my bottom, and I screamed in pain.  He kept pushing, and pushing – and then something warm sprayed inside me and on my bottom, and he groaned in pleasure, while I cried in pain and terror.

 

                I curled up into a ball, and cried and moaned, until he dragged me to the shower and got me cleaned up.  “If you tell anyone that this happened, I’ll tell them you wanted it, and it’s your fault.  Your mom and dad will be so mad, they won’t let you be a girl anymore…  And I’ll put the pictures I took of you on the internet.  So you can’t tell them!”

 

                I nodded, and cried, and promised I wouldn’t tell…  And I didn’t, not then, or the three other times it happened that summer.  But I changed.  I grew quiet and withdrawn.  I was sad all the time, and nothing interested me anymore.  I asked to get my hair cut, so I wouldn’t look like a girl anymore…  I stopped asking to be called Cassandra, and asked if mom and dad could call me Jeffery again.  I threw away my ‘girl’ toys and clothes – and I don’t know if mom and dad noticed how hurt I was, or if they were just relieved that my transness must have been a phase that I was growing out of?

 

                At the end of the summer, I had a nervous breakdown, and I rebuilt myself with a year of therapy afterward.  I didn’t remember any of it – I had somehow sealed it away, forgotten to protect that special part of myself that had been spoiled and perverted by a selfish, evil young man. 

 

                All of those conflicting feelings, and the emotional pain, hit me as I relived what happened…  I remembered everything, and I felt the presence of Cassandra within and around me, trying to comfort me and tell me it wasn’t my fault.  I vaguely remember trying to tell her it wasn’t her fault either…  At last, as the scene ended, I felt spent, physically, emotionally and spiritually – completely drained in every way.  I couldn’t cry – I had no more tears.  All I felt was sadness and loss.

 

                And then I felt Hathor…  and I was Geoffrey again, separate from Cassandra, but not, and Hathor stood before me.

 

                *It may hurt now, my child, but you will heal.  It will take time, and you may not emerge from this as you expect, or as you were, but you will emerge whole, and with a chance to be happy.*

 

                It did hurt – a lot.  It hurt more than any physical wound I could ever suffer.  I felt soiled, shamed – disgusting.  I felt like it was my fault – like it was his fault, and like it was my parents fault for somehow not knowing and protecting me.  I felt scared and helpless – like when I was in his grasp, held down under his stinking, sweaty body as he thrust into me over and over as I cried.  I prayed to all the gods that it wasn’t always like that, for if it was, I would never again think of love…  To inflict that on someone else, or to suffer it again – I would rather die.

 

                “Hathor?”  I asked, timidly.  “Am I like you? Twin Souled?”

 

                *You were, when you were a child, Geoffrey. Now, I do not know how you will heal.  You may become Geoffrey, and take comfort in who you have recently been – or you may become Cassandra, and become how you were born… or you may become some blending of the two.  It depends a lot on what you choose to do.  Regardless, I and my sister will support you.  You are still our Vigilant, and our agent.  Never forget!  Your enemies may have beaten you down, but you can always rise to challenge them anew.  You do not have to fear fear.  You have the strength to forge yourself into whatever you wish to be – man, woman, or other.  Be what makes you happy, my child.  If you are in doubt, choose what makes you happy, and you will find peace.*

 

                “Thank you for your advice, Hathor.”

 

                *You are welcome, my child.  Tell me your real name when you know what it is.*

 

                “I… I will.  My Lord, may I ask one other question?  What is the meaning of that symbol you wear – the golden circle?”

 

                *It is the mark of the Great Maker, our father, and the creator of all that is.  It is also to be the symbol of our Sister, when she comes to join us, as the Lady of Hope. Gods do not have children and families as mortals do – and sometimes it can take time before a child who is foretold is actually born to join us. We have known of her for many years, but she is still growing. When she is ready, she will join us in Heaven – but until then, Feana and I keep and wear her symbol as a memory of what is to come.*

 

                “Thank you, for that…  Will I heal?  It hurts so much, remembering.”   

 

                *You will heal, young one… But even I cannot say HOW you will heal, or what path your mind will take to find happiness.  Minds are fragile – but they also have a will of their own – your will, and how you feel, deep down will affect how you heal.  I could try and make you one thing or another, but that would be a perversion, and wrong.  It is better if we let fate, and your inner being decide.*

 

                “Do you mean my soul?”

 

                *Yes, young one.  The innermost essence of you that is.  That is who you will heal into and become – and even I do not know who that person is yet.*

 

                “Will I lose who I am?”

 

*No, young one.  You will simply be whole.  I can promise that the hurts will fade, like all hurts do in time.*

 

I nodded, ready for whatever my god desired.  I felt his hand touch my brow, and the pain and confusion washed away, replaced by calm and peace.  I lay back, and relaxed – and eventually drifted off to sleep once more – but this time a peaceful, restful sleep.  A sleep of the blessed.

 

 

*              *              *

 

                I woke peacefully, with my arms wrapped around my best friend in the whole of two worlds.  Rachel.  I smiled, at how fate brought us together – and made us so similar, but in ways so that neither of us would really know.  We knew each other – and yet we didn’t.  Strange.  The events of my dream were still fresh in my mind, but I didn’t feel trauma – just the hurt of old pain, years long in the healing – probably an after effect of Hathor’s healing magic.  I was confused about myself, to be sure, but I knew I could survive this, and find a way to thrive. 

 

                Rachel noticed, and came awake – tensing as she saw we were still entwined together – and then relaxing.  “Good morning handsome.  How did you sleep?”

 

                “I don’t know, Rachel.  I had a visitor in my sleep – to be honest I feel rested, but I don’t know how much sleep I actually got.  A lot happened last night.”

 

                “Do you want to talk about it?”

 

                “Sure, if you do.  Just be warned, some of it isn’t nice.”

 

                “What happened, Jeff?”  She said, crawling out of my arms and sitting up, looking worried.  “Did you see that girl Cassandra again?”

 

                “Not exactly.  I was visited by Hathor – one of the twins – and he told me that he and his sister accidentally damaged me when they talked to my mind the day after we got here… they broke a seal on an old memory – a traumatic one – I had suppressed from when I was younger, and it was slowly bubbling through my subconscious and would have eventually really hurt me or worse.  He came to me to heal me.”

 

                “Are you alright?  Jeff, I’m worried!”  I smiled, because I could feel the concern in her voice, and the caring behind it made me happy.

 

                “I’m going to be okay – but I might be a little weird for a while as I put myself back together.  I need to figure out who I am.”

 

                “Do you have a split personality or something?”

 

                “No – but if Hathor hadn’t taken some steps to heal me, I might have – or worse.  He said I could have totally lost touch with reality.”

 

                “But you’re okay now?”

 

                “Yeah, I think so.  There was more, Rachel!  I… I was trans about the age of ten or twelve, and mom and dad were letting me express how I wanted, I think to see if I grew out of it.  They went away for a day on the weekend and left my cousin to babysit me…  and he raped me.  It happened four times that summer, and then he went away to school and it never happened again – but by then, I didn’t want to be a girl anymore – he scared it out of me.  I cut my hair, threw away my clothes and toys, and went back to being Jeffrey… and then around Christmas I had a nervous breakdown and ever since then, until now, I couldn’t remember the entire time I was trans.  I couldn’t face it…  I guess I associated being a girl with being assaulted and unsafe, and I never wanted to feel that way again… so I closed that part of me off, for what I thought was forever.”

 

                Rachel grasped me in a tight hug, and held on for dear life.  “No one should have to go through that.  Not you, not me… not anyone.  I never knew!”  Rachel cried heavy tears, holding me.  I started crying too, holding her tightly back.

 

                “My mom and dad never knew either.  I didn’t tell them… I think they think it was just a phase that passed, and I grew out of it.”

 

                “Oh my god!” 

 

                “It’s okay, Rachel…  I won’t forgive my cousin for what happened, but Hathor healed me.  I still have the memories, but not much of the pain or the trauma.  He helped me move on.  Now all I have to do is figure out who I am – Jeffrey, or Cassandra, or someone else.”

 

                “Is that what your name was?  Cassandra?”

 

                I blushed, a little shy.  “Y-Yeah.”

 

                She smiled, wiping away some tears.  “It’s cute.  I’d like to meet her one day.”

 

                “Even if you lose your boyfriend?”  I asked, nervously.

 

                “Yes.  Even if.  Everyone should be who they are.  No masks… not between us.  The only way to be healthy is to be who you are, not what people want you to be, and not what people think you should be.  I want you to be whole, Jeffrey or Cassandra.  I want you.  I love you for you, not your junk… even if it looks like it might be cute junk.”

 

                “You’ve seen my junk?!”  I asked, shocked.

 

                “No!” she laughed.  “But the rest of you is smoking hot beefcake, so I was assuming the rest would be too.”

 

                “Beefcake?  Are you serious?”

 

                “Totally.  Or have you not noticed Alyssa, and practically ever barmaid in the Emerald Candle was drooling over you the moment you arrived.  You look like a stud.”

 

                “I think I can say I honestly don’t know how I feel about that.”

 

                “About the barmaids, or the beefcake comment?”

 

                “Both, actually.”

 

                “Well, leave it alone a while.  Maybe some time will help things settle.  We can always talk again tonight, or once we reach Callenden.”

 

                “Yeah…  I think I need a few days to sort myself out.  Can you give me some time?”

 

                “As much as you need.”  Rachel replied, putting her hand on mine.  “Besties, right?”

 

                “Yup.  Besties.”

 

                We smiled, and knew then that everything would be alright, no matter how the details sorted themselves out.  We would always be friends, at the very least, and the possibility of more was not far away either.  Everything would be alright.