A/N: Here's the new Chapter! Which also means the next four chapters are up on my Patreon for early access as well as the chance to vote on the direction of the story!

Also if you've enjoyed reading this story, please check out The Soul Engine for me! It would really mean a lot!

Shirou takes matters into his own hands. This is becoming a trend...

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In the end, Shirou doesn’t say a word. Instead, he steps up beside Jeanne and places a hand on the Ruler-Class Servant’s shoulder. She startles, looking at him in mild surprise… but when he gives her a solemn nod, her answering smile is brilliant and beaming. Of course, this interaction does not go unseen by everyone else in their group.

“Ugh. Of course. Get ready for a fight, everyone.”

Rin Tohsaka’s voice is one filled with knowing resignation. But then in all fairness, how could they possibly go about saving humanity if they were retreating at the very first sign of trouble? More than that, what was the point of them all coming into this Singularity together if they weren’t going to leverage their numbers to take on enemies that one of them could not?

In the end, such musings are cut off by the arrival of their enemies. As expected, the leader of the group of five Servants that have returned to La Charite is… another Jeanne. Shirou feels a little bad about it but his first reaction is to name her ‘Jeanne Alter’ in his head… because, well, she looks a lot like Saber Alter does. She also looks a lot like Jeanne to be fair, but the ways in which she is ‘darkened’ or ‘corrupted’ are the same as the Servant he summoned back in Chaldea. Yellow eyes, white hair, darker armor. It’s all there.

Behind her come four other Servants as well, but beyond keeping an eye out for any signs of hostility from them, Shirou really only focuses on Jeanne Alter at the moment. The Dark Jeanne comes in for a landing and immediately hops off the back of her wyvern, really living up to the name of ‘Dragon Witch’ as she plants her hands on her hips and narrows those yellow eyes of hers in Jeanne Ruler’s direction.

“You… what is the meaning of this?!”

In response, the ‘lighter’ version of Jeanne d’Arc grimaces, grits her teeth, and brandishes her banner in front of her.

“I should be asking YOU that! Sick and twisted fiend… what have you done?! And in my name too! I will have answers for your crimes, monster!”

Jeanne Alter stares for a moment before barking out a laugh.

“… Disgusting. This is who I used to be then, is it? This pathetic creature focused on self-righteous tripe? What have I done? I’ll tell you what I’ve done! I’ve taken the vengeance OWED to me! The vengeance owed to Jeanne d’Arc!”

Jeanne Ruler shakes her head at that.

“We… we were never meant to be instruments of vengeance. That was not our role. We are supposed to be Holy Maidens! Pure! Uncorrupted! Look at you!”

Their disgust for each other is palpable. And Jeanne Alter looks thoroughly done after just a short exchange with her ‘better’ half. From what he can see, Shirou suspects that the darker version of Jeanne d’Arc has been twisted by her resurrection. Whatever was done to bring her back has left her with nothing but cruelty and anger.

And yet… some small part of him can’t help but wonder. Because underneath it all… underneath all that talk of vengeance, it’s obvious that Jeanne Alter’s anger stems from a place of hurt. And given what he knows about her, she’s right to be hurt. She’s right to be mad. So is it really fair to judge this darker version of Jeanne? Is it really fair to hate her for what was done to her?

… More than that though, as Shirou looks at the five Servants arrayed against them, he’s beginning to question whether they should really have this knockout fight here or not. If things devolve into a brawl, then there’s no doubt in Shirou’s mind that they’ll lose someone. Someone is going to get hurt here… unless he does something drastic.

But only one thing comes to mind and it’s probably a terrible idea… right? Except, even as Jeanne Alter pulls back and lifts a hand, opening her mouth to speak, Shirou finds himself liking the idea more and more. It’s crazy, but he… well, his whole life has been one crazy adventure, hasn’t it?

“Hold!”

Stepping forward, Shirou cuts the Dark Jeanne off before she can speak. It was obvious, to him anyways, that she was about to order her fellow Servants to attack them. Or at the very least, attack the other Jeanne. But suddenly, those cruel yellow eyes of hers, pitiless in their gaze, zero in on Shirou. And narrow.

“And who are you to command me, human?”

Straightening up, head held high, Shirou holds up a hand behind him, stopping Saber Alter from stepping forward in his defense. From the way her armor shifts, she was definitely about to draw her sword and do something… ill-advised. Jeanne Alter’s eyes dart past him for a moment to Saber Alter, but if she sees anything… similar about the two of them, she doesn’t comment on it. Shirou, meanwhile, clears his throat and returns her attention to him.

“I am Shirou Emiya… and I challenge you to a duel.”

The Dark Holy Maiden’s eyes widen at that, even as the distinct sound of Rin Tohsaka’s palm meeting her face reaches Shirou’s ears. Yeah, okay, so maybe this was par for the course for him. But Rin shouldn’t worry! Because Shirou had a plan!

“I accept!”

Drawing her sword from its sheath, an Aura of Pure Malice springs to life around Jeanne Alter. For the first time, the corner of her mouth quirks up in an almost eager half-smile.

“Prepare to die, Shirou Emiya. I-!”

“Wonderful. Now that you’ve accepted my challenge, I shall tell you what sort of duel we will be partaking in. Seeing as I’m the challenger, that’s up to me.”

Pure bullshit, of course. But does Jeanne Alter know that? Brought up short by his words, the white-haired and yellow-eyed woman frowns for a moment before finally thrusting her chin out in a partial nod.

“Very well. Name your challenge, human.”

He holds no weapons and makes no attempt to manifest them either. Instead, he clasps his hands behind his back, squares his shoulders, and just smiles a winning smile.

“Our duel, Dragon Witch, shall be… a cook-off!”

Silence falls across the burnt down husk of a town they’re standing in. For a moment, it feels like even the re-dead zombies that they’d killed when they first got here have come back once more to stare at him. Certainly, everyone who’s actually still alive is staring at him, from both sides of the fence. Everyone but Rin, mostly because she’s too busy facepalming. Again.

Jeanne Alter in particular looks incredulous, but Shirou doesn’t let up. He has a PLAN and he’s not going to let anything stand in his way.

“As I said, I challenge you to a cook-off… and the judges will be our allies. We will each have thirty minutes to gather resources, and then thirty minutes to make the dish. After which, everyone else will partake in our dishes and decide who’s won. If you win, you can do whatever you want with me. If I win, then you stand down and let us fix things here in this Singularity.”

There’s a pause at that, as Jeanne parses his words. Behind her, one of her fellow Servants lets out a snickering laugh and Shirou thinks he hears something about the size of his balls or something. Which in turn prompts Jeanne Alter to grit her teeth and snarl.

“Do you think me a fool, Shirou Emiya? The quality of whatever it is we ‘cook’ would ultimately be meaningless. Obviously, our two sides will vote for their ally above all else! And you have five compared to my four, so I’m at an immediate disadvantage, one that’s impossible to overcome!”

Hm, fair. Shirou hadn’t even thought about that because… well, he had no doubts when it came to his cooking. Still, with that said…

“Our Jeanne will sit the cook-off out. She won’t judge either of our dishes, so that we both have an equal number of judges. And furthermore, in the event of a tie… you will automatically win and be allowed to do whatever you want with me. My companions will not interfere, I swear it.”

There’s some definite rustling behind him at those words, though Jeanne Ruler is the only one who actually speaks up.

“W-What?!”

Looking back at her, Shirou raises an eyebrow.

“Can you really say you could be impartial and unbiased, Jeanne given who my opponent is, Jeanne? This is the fairest way of handling things.”

His confident tone takes the Holy Maiden aback and after a moment she bites her lower lip and backs down entirely. When Shirou looks to Jeanne Alter again, he can see in the Dark Holy Maiden’s eyes that she enjoyed seeing her other self put in her place. Perhaps that’s why she lets out a bark of laughter.

“Very well! A cook-off it is then! I accept your terms, Shirou Emiya. However… I will not have you all slipping away like thieves in the night. You may not leave this town in order to gather resources and neither will I. Then, when the first thirty minutes are up, we shall cook right here in front of one another.”

She does not ask him if this is alright, or if he’s okay with her unilateral decisions. But Shirou also doesn’t try to fight her on it. That said, her eyes do darken after a moment and her nostrils flare as she gives him a particularly stony gaze.

“After I win this ‘challenge’, I’m going to enjoy stripping the flesh from your bones for making a mockery of me. Enjoy the last hour of your life, human. Because I’m certainly going to enjoy taking it from you once this sham of a duel is over.”

Ah, it seems he’s upset Jeanne Alter something fierce. But then, Shirou supposed he shouldn’t be surprised. She didn’t understand. She thought he was fucking with her. She thought he was mocking her. The truth was… Shirou was simply falling back on his strengths. That said, he eyes the Dark Holy Maiden’s companions for a moment, trying to get an idea of what they all might like.

Two of them give him dark grins that match their Mistress’ anticipation perfectly, while the other two actually look a little concerned for him if anything. But Shirou isn’t worried. Even with the rules stipulating that they can’t go outside of the town for resources, he’s convinced he can get something going.

Of course, as he starts ransacking burnt down houses in order to find some things to go with the rations they’ve brought with them from Chaldea, Jeanne Alter simply walks into a nearby building and comes back with a half-loaf of bread she must have found under an ashy table or something. She stands there with it in one hand and her arms crossed over her chest and watches him move about through the husk of a village with a note of impatience to her demeanor.

Shirou almost asks her if she’s really not going to look for anything more than that but decides it’s probably best not to provoke her further. In the end, the mere fact that he’d convinced her to do a cook-off in the first place was pretty damn impressive. By all rights, she should have pasted him across the ground for the ‘mockery’ as she’d termed it.

Of course, just because Shirou isn’t going to say anything doesn’t mean others won’t.

“Really? Is that all you’re going to get? You sure are confident, aren’t you?”

Stiffening, Jeanne Alter looks at Rin as the other woman mocks her.

“I should say the same to you, human. Your arrogance is showing. I could kill you in an instant, even with that doppelganger at your side. Do not test my patience… just because I’m in the middle of a duel with your ally does not mean I can’t slaughter you where you stand for your impudence!”

Rin just scoffs but falls silent. Shirou is thankful for that. He almost wants to stop and tell Jeanne Alter in no uncertain terms that if she attacks one of his allies, all bets are off. But he feels like that might push the Dragon Witch over the edge and start the fight he’s currently trying to avoid with this crazy scheme. So instead he keeps searching.

To be fair, he finds some good stuff. La Charite was only just burnt to the ground quite literally less than an hour ago. While some buildings are completely turned to ash, others are still mostly intact or even merely on the verge of collapse. From them, Shirou is able to find all sorts of cool things such as bread and cheese and even a few salted meats in a cold cellar.

Until finally, the time he’s allotted for them is up and they stand before each other once more. As the thirty minutes set aside for cooking begins, Jeanne Alter narrows her eyes at him, still holding her ashy half of a loaf of bread in one gauntleted hand. She’s clearly wondering HOW he’s going to go about cooking anything in a place like this, especially when he hasn’t bothered gathering any cooking utensils or equipment from the houses while he was searching for food.

… Simple, really. Pulling open his pack, Shirou begins extracting his OWN cooking implements. After all, why would he ever go anywhere without the means to create a portable kitchen right there on the spot? And what he can’t fit into his pack… well, that’s what Tracing is for. Tracing everything he needs, Shirou soon has a veritable outdoor kitchen set up around him, with everything he could possibly need to cook a fine meal for everyone before him.

For the first time, Jeanne Alter looks a little… unnerved when he glances her way. The Dark Holy Maiden’s jaw clenches and Shirou thinks she’s finally realizing just how seriously he’s actually taking this. He watches as her gaze pans to the rest of her fellow Servants, as though she’s suddenly wondering if she can actually count on them all or not to vote for her merely on the merits of their loyalty to her. Her gauntleted fingers dig ever so slightly into the bread in her hand… before she scoffs.

Looking back at him, those yellow eyes promise a world of pain as she thrusts out her chin in his direction.

“Well? Time is ticking, Shirou Emiya. Get on with it and see if you can make a dish that beats mine.”

He knew he could do that, obviously. But it wasn’t about beating Jeanne Alter’s half-loaf of bread. It was about making something so good that even she had to admit defeat. He had his ingredients prepared… so what was he going to make?

[ ] Cook a casserole - 12%