James didn't know what to say back to her. She was the only one that had kept treating him like a guy after finding out what happened. If she started treating him like a girl, he didn't know how he would cope. His body felt wrong, and being referred to as a girl felt wrong.
"Go try it on." K sounded tired as she handed him the bra. Maybe she was stressed? He couldn’t tell. It didn’t help him feel confident.
"I'm not a girl, I don't want to wear a bra," he said. He tried to sound confident, adamant that he would not wear something like that. But it didn’t come out that way. Hearing that whiny voice come from his mouth was painful.
"I know, but you need to try this on," she said. She was more gentle than she had been earlier; there was still agitation in her voice, but he didn’t feel it was directed at him.
He knew he had to try it on and he knew he couldn’t get out of this. Katie was right about the bra thing. The clothes he was wearing felt scratchy and irritating against his chest. He could feel them move as well. It had been bothering him whenever he walked and according to K, wearing one would make his chest less noticeable. He would just have to deal with it. It would help him look more manly and make him feel more comfortable. It needed to happen, despite how terrifying it was. He tried to calm himself down and prepared himself to try on a bra.
"I'll drag you to the fitting rooms if I have to. It has to fit or it will hurt." Apparently, he had spent too long contemplating wearing one of those things. The agitation in her voice was becoming more noticeable, but she was still trying to be gentle with him. This girl would make a great mum one day, he thought. Katie walked with him to the change rooms, and he approached the guy’s side of the fitting room before K caught him.
“James, I’m sorry, but you are trying on a bra. There are people over there. You need to go to the girl’s side.” It was obvious she was trying to stop him from freaking out. It didn’t exactly help.
He felt like a pervert going into the girls’ change rooms. It put him on the verge of begging K to let him leave. This wasn’t a place he’d ever wanted to go. There was so much wrong; a guy shouldn’t end up in this situation. How could he be a normal guy when he had to wear a bra? He wanted to cry. It felt so hopeless, but he wasn’t going to let himself cry again. Manning up was the only way to do this.
"I'll be out here if you need me. Okay?"
He slammed the door closed, revealing the mirror on the back. He had been avoiding looking at mirrors except when it was necessary. At most he would look at his face when he had to. Even while at the doctor's, he’d kept his eyes closed, and held on to Katie's soft comforting hand. He shuddered, thinking about the doctors. He begrudgingly took off the layers he had built up that morning. Seeing his chest made him sure this couldn't be his body. The way they rose and fell with his breath was terrifying. He needed more air. He needed to keep breathing and to look away from the mirror. But he couldn’t. His chest was rising and falling rapidly and he could see those things on his chest reacting to it. There wasn’t enough air and he just had to keep breathing. He tried to close his eyes, but his body wouldn’t respond. The air felt thin. In the mirror, he noticed a seat behind him. It was what he needed. If he couldn’t breathe, he needed to sit. He fell into it with a thud.
“Jay, are you alright?” The voice was coming from outside the door. He didn’t know a Jay. His breathing became a little less hurried. The voice was calming. It must have been K.
“I can’t breathe,” he wheezed. He kept trying to inhale, and every time it felt so inadequate. There wasn’t enough oxygen.
“Okay, Jay, can you open the door?” she asked. He wasn’t sure if he could. He wasn’t sure if she was even talking to him.
“I’ll try,” he said as he grabbed at the lock on the fitting room door. He saw his reflection reach forward as well. His breathing accelerated again. “It’s unlocked,” he managed to say before falling back onto the seat. He could hear his heart pounding in his chest.
K slowly pushed the door open. He watched as the mirror slowly left his field of vision and she came into view. His breathing seemed to slow a little.
“Oh, Jay, you’re shaking,” she observed. He hadn’t noticed, but he was shaking; his hands wouldn’t stay still and his knees bobbed up and down. K sat down next to him and he saw the mirror again. His face was red and wet. He hadn’t noticed his tears; he was too focused on his chest.
K put her arms around him. He could hear his heartbeat start to slow.
“Deep breaths, Jay,” she said comfortingly. He wanted to ask why she was calling him Jay, but instead, he followed her instructions. He closed his eyes and inhaled as deeply as he could. Air rushed into his lungs and he noted that it wasn’t as thin as it was before. He held that sweet bit of oxygen before releasing it. He took several of those breaths until he could no longer hear his heart beating. K was looking at him. She didn’t seem scared of him or frustrated with him anymore. She just looked worried.
He wasn’t sure what he had done to deserve her as a friend.
“I’m going to step back out, okay,” she said. “I’ll be outside.”
A wave of exhaustion crashed over him. He could barely comprehend what had just happened. He grabbed his clothes and dried his face. He grabbed the dreaded cloth and closed his eyes.
Putting the bra on like a shirt seemed to work. It was comfortable enough. Maybe a little tight around the ribs, but nothing that he thought would hurt. The comfort didn't stop him from feeling emasculated, though; he tried to silence the thought before whatever had happened earlier, happened again. He opened his eyes briefly; at least they looked smaller than before. He picked up his slightly damp hoodie and shirts and slid them back on.
With his clothes back on, he was getting closer to looking like a guy again at least. Even if he did look like a taller twelve-year-old James, instead of his old self.
"K, can you see if this looks better?" he called.
After unlocking the door, K pushed it open.
"You look a lot better," she said. A hint of concern was still present in her voice. "I don't think anyone would be able to notice now."
"Good, thanks, K," he replied. 'If anyone saw me they wouldn't notice,' he repeated to himself.
He entered the change room again. He closed his eyes as he peeled the bra off. He tried to keep his eyes closed again. He didn’t want to see his naked chest again and he didn’t want a repeat of that incident earlier. They approached the counter and he paid for the damn thing. James noticed that he wasn’t the only one who breathed a sigh of relief when they finally got out of there.
The bra stuffed in his hoodie pocket, he walked out and tried to hide his anxiety. He looked at the crowds. It's not like anyone would see him here. Would they even recognise him? He felt so exhausted, and yet he couldn’t let his guard down.
"Do you need anything to eat? It's on me," Katie asked.
James nodded. He wasn’t one to turn down a free meal and his body demanded energy.
The food court was bustling with people. He looked around the endless sea of people for anyone he might be recognized by. Despite not even seeing anyone, he felt like he was going to throw up. He had so little energy and it was all focused on this fear of being seen. What if K was wrong and people noticed what was up? Would he have to live as a girl? Live as someone he could never be? K was saying something, but he couldn't care, he had to make sure he didn't get seen.
"So what do you want? I was thinking about hot dogs? We used to get those after nippers. Sound good to you?"
Someone touched James' shoulder and for a second he thought he was done for. He let out a yelp and started looking for a way to run. He looked at the crowd of people and tried to find a way to get out.
“Hey, James?” Of course, it was just K. The yelp he’d let out had briefly caught the attention of other shoppers. He could feel them looking at him. He wasn’t even sure how he had made that noise. His voice had been deep before the weekend. Even though it had changed, it shouldn’t have been possible.
"Yeah, hot dogs sound great," he said, with an unconvincing smile.
K took him by the arm and quickly dragged him to the hotdog place. She sat him down and ordered for them both. She looked worried about him. Her concern was touching, but she had already done enough for him. He didn’t want to worry her more.
"What was that?"
"I'm fine, I was just looking out for people and you startled me," he replied. He couldn't tell her about how hearing his voice made him feel. It would sound crazy. Why would he be surprised or scared by his own voice?
She looked unconvinced.
It felt weird to be back to this place with K. They hadn’t even properly talked to each other for months, and now they were having lunch like they used to. It made him smile. At least something good had come from this. K seemed to be enjoying herself too.
He hadn’t noticed it until then, but he had stopped seeing K as Kieran. His old friend’s face was now soft. The hand he had squeezed at the doctors was a girl’s hand. Even her voice that he had once made fun of was obviously feminine. Was it her eyes? Her smile? Was it just that she said she was a girl? Something had made him stop thinking of her as a guy. He decided that was enough thinking for now. He could think about it when he wasn’t hanging out with her.
“Are you okay? What happened in the changerooms?” she asked. It had only happened at most ten minutes ago, but he could barely remember it.
“I don’t know,” he replied. “I’m pretty tired, though.”
“I can imagine, crying takes a lot out of a person.” He had forgotten about the crying. It seemed so far away. The only evidence that it had happened was the bra in his pocket and a question that lingered in his mind.
“Why did you call me Jay?” he asked.
“James, you were in the girls’ changing room. Do you think people would react well to some named James being there?” she asked. He couldn’t argue with her logic. “Plus, you’ve been calling me K since yesterday. Jay seemed fitting.” She smirked at him. He hadn’t seen her smirk before, but he didn’t dislike it.
He couldn’t help but laugh quietly about this stuff. He’d panicked in the changing room, got dragged out by Katie and then treated to lunch by her, and now he was admiring her smirk. His laugh rang in his ears, and surprisingly, he didn’t hate it. It still sounded mostly the same, but with a slightly higher pitch. He had found a remnant of his past self.
“What are you chuckling about, James?”
“This whole thing has been shit and for some reason, you are the one sitting with me right now,” he chuckled. It seemed so ridiculous. He had thought that talking with her like this was impossible after she cut him off. He had spent six months ignoring her and taunting her in hopes that she’d give him his friend back when all he had to do was use her name. “Thanks for helping, Katie.”
She smiled. It was good to see a friendly smile like that after the looks of fear, concern and frustration from the rest of the weekend.
shiiit, panic attack...
so glad katie is there to help, and so glad james is starting to see her as who she is :3
HEHEHE. Katie and James are both good kids when you get down to it
You know what that is? Growth ✨️
:3
Thanks for chappy!
!!!Maracas!!!