Jake wanted to be able to say he woke up to the sounds of birds chirping, with the early morning sun just barely hanging over the horizon. He wanted to be able to say that he fell asleep at a decent hour, that he set phone alarms for the sole purpose of getting up in the morning, just to make sure he was an early bird.

Instead he was groggily half falling out of bed with a thud as the midday sun’s rays shined through his curtains, his comforter still wrapped around him. Jake let out a long yawn as he slowly stood up, the blanket held tight so he didn’t lose it. It might have been April but the weather was still too cold for him, and the whole house hated it when he tried turning on the heater.  

Jake went through the normal motions of waking up, and stopped himself before he took a shower. He hated not being hygienic, but more than that he hated seeing his own nude form. He could avoid the mirror while brushing his teeth and washing his face just fine, and he could hide most of his body under long sleeves and pants, but a shower guaranteed a face-off with his own discomfort. 

He eventually shook his head and decided against it. Hygiene was important, but he could always wash up if it turned out his moms wanted to go out. They didn’t usually do anything important on Sundays, though, so he was fairly confident he could just avoid the discomfort for a day. 

He knew he should have been telling someone about how he felt, just like when he mentioned his depression years earlier, but every time he chanced a moment to speak up something interrupted him, and he’d lose his nerve. It also felt odd to bring up in general, because what could he even say? He couldn’t just bring up that his body felt wrong to look at without some sort of reason, and he had no idea what the reason was. 

Josh, his older brother, was the only person Jake let have any clue something was wrong. They both agreed that their moms didn’t need to worry about such a vague issue until it was more defined, but neither of them could figure out what was wrong. He didn’t have any overall bodily health issues, and he didn’t really care about being attractive to anybody but Sean, and those were the only two major things he felt could affect his self image.

These thoughts kept Jake busy as he went downstairs and prepared a small brunch meal for himself. It wasn’t much, just a variety of fruits and some toast, but for Jake it would be filling enough to keep him going until dinner. It was leftovers day, so he always needed to leave some room for the delicious meals Josh cooked. Jake was often jealous of what a good cook his brother was, but he was almost there. Among his friends he was the only cook, which was noteworthy all on its own.

Jake felt like he was on autopilot as he ate his breakfast and browsed the internet. He had no new messages from his friends online or in real life, so he was free to go to the subreddit he found the day before and keep looking at the memes. Many of the memes were kind of relatable, but it was much more fun seeing how much people could deny about themselves before realizing that they were trans. 

Wait.

Jake scrolled back through the posts he had been viewing, a confused expression plastered on his face. It wasn’t a sure thing, not really, but why did he relate to these so much? He was a guy, right? 

Wasn’t he?

Was she?

Jake’s eyes widened as she addressed herself with the new pronouns. It felt… Good. Right. Scarily so. 

Did that mean she was..? No, that wasn’t possible, was it? Sure she related to some stuff trans people talked about, and she envied them, and had some… body issues…

Oh. Fuck.

 

*****

 

‘Jake’ knocked on her brother’s door, only a little self conscious about the fact that it was just past midnight on a school night. He would be up, of course, he was always up until at least two in the morning, but she still felt bad. Especially with the fact that she wasn’t exactly talking to him about something light.

It had been maybe thirteen hours since she realized who she was, and it was crazy how quickly hearing the wrong pronouns had become unbearable. Keeping her emotions in check during dinner was an incredible challenge, and she was positive everyone knew something was wrong. She was probably going to get pulled into a mental health checkup talk by one of her parents once she got home from school, but she didn’t know if she could even get through breakfast while being misgendered.

Josh opened the door with half a popsicle stick in his mouth, the annoyed look on his face slowly turning concerned as he looked at her. “Hey, Jake, come in. I’ve got a game going but it’s almost done.”

She nodded and sat on her brother’s unmade bed as he returned to his computer. It seemed he was playing Oracles of Heresy, and his team only needed a few more points to win. Within moments Josh’s headset was off of his head as a victory screen popped up on his computer. He looked like her usual reliable older brother as he sat beside her on his bed. “What’s up? This about dinner?”

She slowly nodded her head, and felt tears build up at the corner of her eyes. She knew she could trust him, that her family would never betray her or hurt her intentionally, but it was still so hard. 

“Take your time.” He told her as he put his arm around her shoulder in the comforting way he did. As soon as he did she felt the tears come out, and she began bawling into his shoulder. 

She didn’t understand why coming out to him was so hard. Every time she felt the words on the tip of her tongue she was overtaken by another round of sobs. 

It took much longer than she intended, but after a few minutes of Josh soothing her the words finally came out. “I’m not a boy.” She managed, feeling much more confident as soon as she said it. That was that, the truth was out. She instantly felt a great relief, even without knowing for sure what her brother’s response was. 

Almost instantly Josh had her wrapped in a hug, and she could barely the next thing he said. “I’m proud of you, sis. It is sis, yeah?”

The girl nodded to her brother as a smile formed on her face. She was still crying, but her tears suddenly felt like they brought a comforting warmth instead of a stinging cold. 

The siblings sat in silence together as minutes ticked by. Eventually the girl’s tears stopped coming, leaving her with only periodic sniffles. Josh sat and waited patiently for her to stop before he asked his next question. “So, got a name? I assume you aren’t, uh, the biggest fan of the other one.”

The girl shook her head before she spoke up again. “Haven’t had time. Only figured stuff out today. But yeah, please don’t call me… The other one. ” She couldn’t bear to even think of her old name in relation to herself. She might not have had a replacement available, but anything was better than the name she already had to deal with.

“Alright, then. I’m sure we could ask what names they might have picked if you were, uh, what’s the phrase? Assigned female at birth? Was that right?” Josh looked incredibly confused as he asked, but unfortunately the girl knew barely more than he did.

“I don’t know. I guess? I didn’t exactly spend a whole lot of time looking this up. I just looked for more and more relatable memes to keep my attention.” 

Josh chuckled a little and shook his head. “Of course you did. Better look stuff up, you don’t wanna talk to moms without at least being a little educated. They might need your help with terms and stuff.” 

“Maybe. I’m telling them tomorrow, by the way. I was wondering… Would you…” 

“Help you with them? Of course. Do you even need to ask?” Josh gave his sister a wide smile full of love, but the smile quickly faltered when she responded with laughter. “What? Did I say something wrong?”

She continued laughing for a moment before shaking her head. “No, not at all. You just guessed wrong, dummy. I wanted to know if you wanted to help pick out my name, since you picked my old one.”

Josh was left dumbstruck if the look on his face was any indicator. When he finally spoke up again he was barely able to put a sentence together. “B-but me? I was, I was three when I picked your old name. Are-are you sure?”

“I trust you.” She made sure to keep her voice stern, her decision was made. She wasn’t about to have any second thoughts about her choices, she hadn’t had them yet.

 

*****

 

Josh and Clarissa Veronica Samantha his sister sat side by side in Josh’s room, a white board in hand filled with scratched out names. They were up to eighteen, only three of which were even considered before the girl denied them, too. They were getting close, though. She knew it was only a matter of time before they came upon the perfect name, the one that just fit. 

“Hmm…” Josh tapped the marker on the board at a perfect tempo as he continued to ponder names. His sister knew from the look on his face that he was beginning to really struggle, as the challenge of finding a name got to him. She felt bad for rejecting so many of his ideas, but thankfully he wasn’t the type of person to hold silly grudges or easily give up. 

“We don’t have to have one today, y’know. I can just tell them that I don’t want to hear my deadname anymore.” The terminology for the name a trans person left behind was so excellent, the girl was surprised she hadn’t seen it mentioned before when looking up stuff related to Sean’s character.  

Josh shook his head in response to her offer. She wasn’t surprised, he could be stubborn when he set his mind to something. “No way. I know we can get it today, and you don’t have to get ready for school for another hour and a half.” 

Oh, shit, was it already that early? The girl checked her phone and, sure enough, it was half past five in the morning. Her eyes widened as the idea of going to school and constantly hearing the wrong name and pronouns hit her, but she pushed the feeling down. She was strong, she could handle whatever was thrown her way.

Josh’s eyes widened and he snapped his fingers, knocking the girl out of her long term worries. “Oh! What about Amanda?” 

Amanda juggled the name around in her mind for a moment, and found it a tiny bit wordy. Then again, the associated nickname made her eyes widen and brought a smile to her face. “Amy.” She blurted out with a smile growing on her face. “Amy. Holy shit. I’m Amy. Amanda. This is awesome! I have a name!” She shouted out and jumped off the bed, before immediately turning red and shutting up. In her excitement she completely forgot it was five in the morning.

Josh seemed panicked as he looked to Amy (Her name! She had a name!), but she was way too overjoyed to be worried about the consequences of her all nighter. She had a name! She was Amy, short for Amanda, she was a sister and a daughter and so many other things. Everything about that just kept her smile uncontrollably wide. She was only barely keeping a cackle of glee from leaving her mouth.

It didn’t take long for them to see a hallway light turn on, and Amy barely kept her mouth shut long enough for Josh to call out to their awakened mothers. “In here!” He yelled, just before letting out an incredibly long yawn. 

Both of their moms opened the door together, and neither looked particularly pleased with being woken up so early in the morning. “Boys, why are you up so early? Or late? And why were you shouting?” Kelsie, the shorter and usually more forgiving of their mothers spoke up. Thankfully she only sounded a little annoyed.

Amy felt a small amount of her energy waver at being gendered incorrectly, but she couldn’t let that stop her. With all the confidence she could muster she stood up, walked to them both, and pulled them into a hug. “I just realized that I’m your daughter. Amanda. Amy.” She didn’t know why it felt so much easier coming out to them than it did with Josh, but it did. The words spilled out effortlessly, and she had told them the truth about herself without nearly the hesitation or crying she put Josh through. 

At first things were completely silent between the three of them, and for a moment Amy worried that things were about to take a terrible turn, but as soon as she pulled away and saw the looks of pure pride on their faces she knew things would be perfect.

It was her taller, usually more stern, mom who answered first. “Oh, Amy. I’m so proud of you.” Amy felt an immense warmth, even stronger than the joy she felt from using the correct name on herself, when her mother called her by her name. It felt amazing, wonderful, fantastic, perfect, so many things that no words could properly describe. Instead she pulled them both into yet another embrace. She didn’t think she wanted to let go.

Not ever.

 

*****

 

“Hey Jake!”

To a certain extent, Amy was impressed with how quickly the world had changed around her when she’d realized who she was. How much her perspective had shifted. How strongly the impact two words could have. Though, if she was honest with herself, those two words already made her heart skip a beat. But it didn’t feel as good as it had even a week before. 

“Hey Sean,” Amy waved. She tried not to show just how much, over a period of only days, her old name had stopped feeling like hers. She’d worried at first that she’d simply ignore the name, the way you did other names. That her friends would call out to her and that she wouldn’t recognize her old name and that she’d had to pretend not to have heard them every time. Being struck by lightning every time was decidedly worse.

Sean hung his coat over the chair and came over to give Amy a hug. Sean was much too warm and sweet and comfortable and Amy never wanted to let go but, well, that would’ve been a bit awkward. 

“How’ve you been, man?” Sean said as he pulled back.

“‘Mfine,” Amy managed as she turned away to the kitchen. “You?” 

Happily oblivious, Sean walked with her and got the table set while Amy finished up the cooking. 

“I’m good. Still thinking about the session, you know? 

For a split second, everything felt incredibly domestic. Sean leaned past her to get a couple of plates from the cupboard and she had an incredibly vivid mental image of Sean walking past her while she cooked and kissing the back of her neck. She blushed feverishly as she poured the pasta. If she was straight, that would actually explain her newfound feelings for him, right?

“Well, I’m eh… I like your character, for sure.”

As they carried everything to the dinner table together, Sean beamed. His smile, that stupid, annoying smile that almost made Amy drop the food out of sheer anxiety, hit her like a brick a to the face. Everything sat down, they both took their seats.

“You okay, Jake? You seem a little out of it today.”

“M-hm,” Amy said as she ladled food onto both their plates. “Just a little stressed.”

“Because of d&d?”

“Sure!” she wanted to say, but she couldn’t. She tried, she really did. She felt the word fight against her teeth to get out but lying to her best friend was becoming too much to bear. 

“Listen… Sean…” 

Amy paused. She’d forgotten for a second what she was here to confess. She realized her brain was forming the words “I like you” and that was not the conversation she was wanting to have. There was enough fear and anxiety bouncing around her system as is, there was no need to double up and double down. 

“What’s up, man?”

“I…”

She’d practiced this. This shouldn’t have been difficult. Why was it difficult? It had gone so smoothly in her head. Why did talking to Sean do this to her?! Why was he so infuriatingly nice and pleasant and eating his pasta like it was nothing! The audacity of it!

“You know, about Levari…”

Sean nodded, completely missing the point and drawing the wrong conclusion. 

“I get you. You’re scared we’re not doing it right. I was afraid of that. We can alw--...”

“Sean, please, shut up for a second.”

Sean’s mouth clamped shut. This wasn’t playful banter.

“So… you know how, like we wanted to make sure we did her justice? Because we’re all cis guys and there’s a trans character.”

“Yeah. What are you getting at, Jake?”

Amy poked at her food with her fork.

“What… What if....”

“Hmm? If you have any suggestions, I’m all ears, man.”

Shut up shut up shut up shut up

“What if we weren’t…”

“Weren’t what?”

“What if we weren’t… all cis guys…?”

There. The bomb had been dropped. The die had been cast. It was out in the open. Sean knew, now, and whatever happened, happened. She was relieved, in a sense, and took a deep breath. At least Sean knew.

“You think one of the others is trans?!” Sean gasped.

For the love of…

“Sean no.”

“Then what…” 

Amy could see the gears turning.

“Am I…?” He tried with a look of confusion.

Sean, you beautiful dumbass, please. His mouth fell open. Finally.

“You’re..?!”

Amy nodded.

“Wha--... When did you…?”

Now that they were finally here, she had found her words again.

“After last session.”

Sean processed this for a moment. He could be really dumb for how smart he was. But, Amy immediately realized, he was still, for lack of a better word, her Sean, and he was still the same person she’d always liked so much. Which was why his next words, while an immense relief and made her want to kiss him (even more), they didn’t come as the big surprise they could have been.

“That’s awesome!”

“What?”

“I’m so glad you figured yourself out, man! Or, wait, shit, sorry, do you want me to not call you that?”

Amy nodded happily. Her friend seemed almost excited for her. She’d been scared to hope for a response like this but, in retrospect, she was a fool to think he would have responded any other way.

“Do you have a name picked out already? I read something the other day about name dysphoria and I want to make sure I don’t hurt you, you know? Like, I get it, you know?”

“I think my name is Amy,” she said with a smile and tried not to cry.

“Hey Amy,” Sean grinned. “Awesome to meet you.”

She sat opposite him and couldn’t keep the tears from welling up in her eyes anymore. Her usual confidence was shattered because of this one wonderful person, and the tears ran down her face. Sean jumped up from his seat, ran around the table and hugged her. 

“Hey, it’s okay. I’m right here. I’m not going anywhere, Amy.”

He held her close, the top of her head pressed against his face.

“You’re already one of the coolest people I know, and you’re amazing at so many things. You are going to be the best girl, all right?”

She nodded.

“Hey, if it helps, I’m even a little jealous. Not being trans, duh, but more that, like, you’ve figured yourself out, you know?”

She nodded again and felt his arms around her, the comfort they brought. She tried very hard not to turn her head sideways towards him.

“Thank you, Sean.”

“Any time, Ames,” he said with a smile. “You’re my best friend.”