Chapter 17 - An Unexpected Letter
I took several beleaguered steps away from the training field, and attempted to keep my thoughts from drifting back to what had happened during that last sparring session. My heart was pounding in my chest, both from the experience of getting stomped flat by Nicholas, and by the subsequent taunting from the onlooking students.
It took a lot of exertion just to keep myself in the proper fighting stance, while my opponent did so effortlessly. Studying him carefully, I attempted to pinpoint a weakness in his style that I could exploit. Once I noticed that his left side was largely unguarded, I knew that was my opportunity.
Rushing forward, I took a swing at his vulnerability, only for him to dodge the strike at the last moment. Then his sword came down on my back, knocking me down into the dirt and ending the match.
Stupid. Even if that was his weak point, I was nowhere near strong or swift enough to pull off such a maneuver. If I was able to use my magic, I could have used the extra reach to land a blow, and the frost would slow him down. However, magic was forbidden in this match, and without it, my body just couldn’t keep up.
The match ended with a decisive loss, and I could hear laughter from the other students, and whispered taunts that steadily grew louder. The Academy maintained tight discipline on its students, but it also encouraged students to keep each other in check. Therefore the instructor said nothing as the jeers grew louder, until it was time for him to announce the next match.
I shook my head free of the experience, and took a sip of water from my bottle. None of the other students or instructors seemed to have noticed me slipping away after the match was over. I didn’t like skipping out on classes, but I needed some alone time right now.
Amidst their jeering, I heard one of them call me a “girl”, and my brow furrowed. The humiliation I felt from the bullying was amplified by another feeling that I couldn’t quite place my finger on.
“Why is being a girl an insult to them?” I muttered under my breath. “Why can’t they just…” I paused, and swallowed, remembering my fondest desire. “... Call me a girl?”
A warm feeling rose in my chest as the thought crossed my mind, and I dwelled in that spot for a while longer. It helped to chase away the heavy lump in my chest, and brought a smile to my face. A giddiness arose as I thought about wearing pretty dresses-
Then I heard a man shout in my direction, which pulled me out of my thoughts with a startled yelp. His blue cloak signified him as a courier for the Empire, and his appearance was accompanied by a heavy scarf that covered most of his face. It was customary for the Empire’s mail carriers to conceal their identities while on the job, due to the rampancy of interception by rival noble houses.
“Uhm… y-yes?” I responded with a voice shakier than I’d intended.
He regarded me with crimson eyes behind his shawl. “You’re Sir Lukas, correct?” The stiff voice always made me flinch. It was also common for a spell to be placed on couriers while they were working, which kept them focused on their task, but also wiped their memories of the day’s activities. To tie up any potential loose ends.
He handed me a note and then held out his hand. I nodded and slipped a few silver coins into his hand, at which point he dipped his hat and turned to leave. I’m sure he’d appreciate the tip once he woke up from his shift. He was very fast, but that was to be expected with the Empire’s couriers, as focused on their singular task as they were.
I looked down to the letter in my hand and felt a rush of panic run through me. I immediately recognized the handwriting on the front of the envelope as my Uncle’s, and my heart dropped into my stomach in an instant.
He hasn’t written to me once since I left for the Academy, why send me a letter now?
Tingles of anxiety ran up my arm, and I swallowed past the lump in my throat.
*
After making it back to my dormitory and finding it to be empty, I went to my desk and settled down into the chair. There would be plenty of extra-curricular work to take care of, but first I had to check the letter.
I retrieved my silver letter opener and carefully cut open the envelope, avoiding damaging its contents in the process. As the letter unfurled in my hands, my hands shook. Why was I so afraid? It was just a letter from my Uncle, right?
Looking back on it, the only times he’d addressed me previously were when he felt I needed a stern lecture, or failing in his expectations. When I was a child, I’d never been able to make that connection, but with my time away from his home, I could see it a lot more clearly.
Looking at it that way, my apprehension made a lot of sense.
I gulped, and read the short contents of the letter.
“Lukas,
Return to the manor this Solsday. We have much to discuss regarding your future at the Academy.
Don’t be Late.”
A shiver of dread shot its way through me at that final phrase. He was angry, and I had a good idea of what he was mad about. My performance in many crucial classes was lagging behind, and many of the professors were intent on getting me kicked out of the academy in order to humiliate my Uncle.
“The Academy is fiercely competitive, and many will have a crosshair on you due to my influence. You will succeed in spite of that, for I have no one else to carry on my legacy.”
That was his pep talk before I’d entered the Academy. In his mind, everything in my life was in preparation for this singular moment, when I would eclipse all of my peers and become the child he had so desperately wanted, but had been denied with his wife’s death.
And given that the man had adopted me into his family after the death of my parents, and given me a home where most families wouldn’t so much as glance at a Northerner like myself, I did feel like I owed him. We’d bonded strongly at first over our shared sense of loss, but once I started to dream about the possibility of life as a girl, things fell apart.
You owe it to him, but also to yourself to be the best person you possibly can be. You can pursue your own desires after you have done him proud.
At times like these, I performed a ritual that always helped me to feel more calm.
I took a deep calming breath, and imagined myself as a girl.
Ever since I was young, I’d often catch myself fantasizing over the thought. If I’d just been born a girl, instead of a boy. I could wear the clothes that I always gazed at longingly, act cute and dainty, and have a lover sweep me up into their arms. I felt a smile spread on my face at the thought, and a soft giggle echo out from deep inside of me, hinting at a longing I held inside but could never realize.
That sobering thought did cause my happy feeling to fade somewhat, but not completely. I could almost feel my breasts, the fluttering of my skirt, and the looks of admiration I would receive from onlookers.
Tucking the letter away in my desk drawer, I nodded to myself as a sense of determination settled on me. If I was failing his expectations, then I could just do better and make it all work out. Bumps in the road were to be expected after all.
“I can do this. I’ve Got this.”
My ears perked up as I heard a sound from outside the door, and panic rushed its way over me. Had someone been listening in? Did they hear me giggle?
I quietly approached the door, and peered outside, only to find no one. I sighed, and hoped that it was just my imagination.
*
The week went by at a crawl. No matter how I tried, I could not keep my mind off the ominous message my Uncle had sent me. The worst part was that the more I thought about it, the more my stomach twisted itself into knots, and my head swam with every possible scenario of what he might say to me upon my arrival.
But as our carriage moved down the main highway towards his manor, I felt myself relax just a little bit. Travel felt surprisingly relaxing for me, as I was no longer under the pressures of the Academy, and my troubles with my Uncle were still far away.
I found myself retrieving a small notebook I kept in my bag for these occasions, and began to make sketches of the landscapes that rolled by us. The Empire was notable for its tall mountains, dense forests and fertile valleys dotted with plantations. Over every hill and mountain one could see a fortress built on the side of a mountain, its defensive position forming the core of the Empire’s bulwark.
Between its highly defensible land, abundant resources, and advances in magical technology, the Empire was a mighty force to be reckoned with, and had expanded its borders far away from its mountainous homelands. In truth, I’d always wanted to visit the lands outside of the Empire’s heartlands, particularly the North, where my parents had originally immigrated from. I stared at my brown skin, a mark of my origins, and a point of contention throughout my life. If not for my Uncle, I don’t know where I’d be right no-
I paused in my sketching as thoughts of my Uncle resurfaced, and I thought back to the contents of the letter, which sent my heart into rapid beats once again as my thoughts raced.
What had I done? Was this about my performance in the Academy?
“Have I… failed him?”
A tear stung my vision and dripped down my face. I felt my heart race in my ears, and my hands clench into balled fists again.
No. I won’t fail him. And I’m panicking.
I took a deep calming breath as Professor Oben had taught me. Warm feelings filled my system as I performed the comforting gesture, and I felt a smile adorn my face. His was one of the few classes I remembered enjoying in my youth, and what had gotten me interested in magical theory in the first place.
“Remember to steady your breathing, Lukas. No, concentrate on your breathing. Feel it as the air fills your lungs, and your mind focuses on the present.”
My eyes opened once again, to see the carriage approaching my Uncle’s family estate. This deep into the Empire’s lands, it was not uncommon to see less defensible family estates being constructed, but my Uncle’s family had built a castle long ago. It was his ancestral lands, and mine too, if I should prove to be a worthy heir.
Personally I didn’t care too much for the castle itself, but I knew it was important to my Uncle. I would do the best job I could for him.
I would make him proud.
Thank you for returning this story looking forward to watching the continuing journey of Iris.
This one took a while, as I've had a lot of positive life changes happen, and I've been busy working my life around those changes. I've been settling into a comfortable rhythm, and I was very excited to finally get back to writing this little story.
Quite a good problem to be having :)