alerie

Content warning: Graphic depictions of blood & discussions of trauma.

When I was a child, I saw an animal being butchered for the first time. A disturbing, gory sight for one of my age. I recall a man holding a pig still, keeping it perfectly restrained before running his knife effortlessly across its neck. The blade cut deep and sent scarlet to pool into a basin beneath it. I was enthralled by the sight of it, locked there watching the basin fill.

There was a tightness in my throat, a slight pressure behind my eyes. My skin felt alight, as if it were humming. I felt that I might faint, but that seemed too gentle a fate. My mind was filled with two nagging questions:

How was there so much?

Is there that much in me?

With each gush and drop of blood, I watched the basin’s contents ripple. The viscosity of it disturbed me to no end. It felt off -- wrong in some way or another, but it wasn’t. My perspective was wrong, skewed somehow. I was forced to confront something deep inside of my heart.

I was alive. There was a beating heart within me, and my body was filled with the blood that kept me alive. An ungodly volume of the stuff.

I don’t think that I ever wanted to see it. I don’t think that I ever wanted to take the life of another. But I had -- several times. I had put an end to a life, just as that butcher did with his pig, more than a few times.

I had received my fair share of cuts and scrapes before then, but this was somehow different. It was far more visceral, far more revealing to watch something die. To literally watch the life drain from its body into a waiting vessel. I couldn't help but wonder how much would spill out of me if I received a similar wound, in spite of the thought terrifying me to my core.

I couldn’t stand the sight of blood after that. It only ever reminded me of those thoughts.

When some semblance of normalcy returned to my mind, I found myself slung over Adeline’s shoulder, carried by her for an amount of time only the gods would know. The only sound present was that of her quick, consistent footsteps. The light of my status panel was still shining into my eyes. I blinked, eyes stinging and tearing up from having been open for far too long, no doubt irritated by the dust in this place. Once my vision came back to me, I was finally free to focus on the text written across my status window.

[Congratulations! A skill has been unlocked: Dagger Proficiency]

So the imp’s death had given me another skill. That was the trade-off? It was an F-rank skill, but that hardly concerned me at the moment.

Dagger Proficiency

User's skill in wielding dagger-type weapons increases with rank.

(0%)

It seemed to be a useful skill for me, but I still felt incredibly disconcerted about its source.

My mind was abuzz with thoughts and questions. What was the value of a life? Were these monsters even living? Where in the world did they come from?

The monster in the Dreadspire acted almost human as it died, the way it clutched at the fresh hole in its throat. The look that dwelled in its eyes was haunting, and the way that it bled out on the ground was almost too much to bear. The imps in these mines seemed oddly intelligent, capable of assessing threats and forming strategies, all of which seemed to prioritize their safety and survival above all else.

At that, the imps almost seemed more territorial than aggressive. I believed the story the kobolds told, but there was clearly something deeper taking place here. Even in their own story, the kobolds faced retaliation only after aggressing against the imps. Though the kobolds had an almost-rightful claim to this spot, killing an intelligent being over the affair hardly seemed like a reasonable action.

On the flip-side, dungeons were supposed to 'reset' with each attempt.. Were the monsters new, as well? Were they created by the dungeon, or-

I stopped myself, forcing in a deep breath before slapping my hand against my forehead. There was no point in continuing this right now, the philosophizing could wait for after the dungeon.

Adeline’s stride stopped, and I heard her speak to me, “You doing alright, Sybil?”

“Better.. I think. Sorry.”

She set me down on my feet, my legs rather unsteady after the experience. “You know that I’m here for you, right Sybil?”

“Y-yes.. I just.. It-”

Adeline interjected, “It’s hard, right? To take a conscious, thinking being’s life so directly with your own hands.”

I nodded a couple of times, and Adeline took one of my hands into her own, softening some of my anxieties in an instant. “I’m sorry. Really, I.. I had forgotten how hard it was. I should have eased you into it more.”

I stayed silent, unsure of what to say. She leaned against the mineshaft wall, still holding my hand as she slid down to sit, which I quickly followed. She turned to face me, “Can I.. Tell you a story, Sybil?”

I nodded, still not very confident in my speaking abilities for the moment.

An unusually solemn smile came to her face, “I.. Had barely reached my teenage years before I killed someone for the first time.”

Adeline wrapped her other arm around me, holding onto me with a shocking gentleness. “Marauders roamed about in the Crownland after the passing of Gryf, and the movement of the crown to Elis.” She took in a shaky breath, “Anyone in Cirix who could hold a sword was expected to serve, to stifle the activity threatening Hyperion.”

“I was a foolish, barely-awakened child, sent out to fight half-assed warriors with a single cheap sword. I had assistance, mind you. House Cirix treats its direct descendants well.” She laughed, and then sighed, “The marauders were wild on the battlefield. Most of them were hardly trained at all, no better than bandits who decided to take on a bigger stage.” Her gaze shifted upward, until she was staring at the ceiling, “I was amazed that they thought they would get something out of that fight of theirs.”

“In the midst of a battle, I was caught alone. One marauder opposite me, the rest of my allies otherwise engaged and unable to help. In that moment, I chose to resort to violence. To kill and maim and defend myself.”

She let out the breath she was holding onto, and then kept going, “I probably could have done anything else. Run away, knock him unconscious, and so on. But in that moment, I chose to act with lethal violence. It was always my choice, considering he was weaker than me.”

Adeline gripped tighter onto my hand, “I was inconsolable for a time. But I was shaken out of it rather fast.”

“I had a realization in the midst of my crisis. I didn’t feel bad for having killed the man, I felt bad about the idea of having killed him. There was no guilt in my heart. I killed someone who would have killed another innocent person if given the chance, so how could I possibly feel bad?”

What was I thinking..? I had been torn up over the death of one man and a few monsters. But Adeline, on the other hand, how many had her circumstances made her kill?

“I don’t mean to say that you shouldn’t.”

I looked back at her, surprised to hear those words coming from her, “W-what do you mean..?”

“It’s not at all normal to feel remorseless about taking someone’s life, Sybil.” She closed her eyes, her smile dropping ever-so slightly in a way that was almost invisible. “My mindset isn’t normal. It isn’t conducive to a proper society, just for keeping things in line until one can actually come along. People like me are only good for violence.”

She had been dealing with this all along? I couldn’t fathom it. My worries seemed terribly silly in comparison. Despite her insistence, I could hardly just accept that she was ‘only good for violence.’ I had seen a side of her that was beyond that. It wasn’t her fate to be forced into senseless killings.

Adeline turned to face me again, looking into my eyes with that same smile, “All I’m saying is.. That guilt, that remorse -- that’s what makes you human. You shouldn’t abandon it, no matter what. I think that if you do.. W-well.. You.. Really don't deserve that, Sybil. You're a very kind girl, it's clear to see.” 

"As awakened, it's pretty much our fate that we have to defend ourselves somewhere down the road. These dungeons are the perfect training grounds to practice those skills until we're strong enough. But, if it gets to be too much for you..." She grinned, pointing a thumb at herself, “Just leave the bad stuff to me, alright? I promise that I'll always be there to help you, no matter what.”

It took me a few moments, but I managed to get out a couple of words along with a nod, “R-right. Alright. Thank you.. Adeline. Really.”

Adeline leaned in close, planting a kiss on my forehead. We sat there in silence for a few more minutes before she stood back up, pulling me up alongside her. She peered out into the tunnel, in the direction we were headed. “The concentration of imps has been getting higher, so I think we might be getting close to the leader. It should be a tough one, and I have to imagine this surprise challenge will add onto that..”

“Still,” She smiled at me again, “I think we’ll do well! There should only be a few more big packs of imps from what I remember of this dungeon, and then the boss fight. Do you think you're feeling ready to keep on going?"

I just nodded again. I was ready.

I was fine.