After getting home with a bag of Allie’s old clothes, Alex ate a little, read some wholesome gay content on the internet, put the clothes in the hamper in his room, and went to bed.

After getting home from work the next day, he realized his mom had, once again, emptied the dirty laundry hamper in his room, even though he had told her multiple times that he was an adult and could do his own laundry.

Oh fuck, she probably saw the clothes from Allie.

He could hear the washing machine running. He headed downstairs to see his mom sitting at the kitchen table, midway through doing her daily crossword in the newspaper.

“Oh, hey, any preference on what we have for dinner? We have a lot of ground beef right now, so I was probably going to make either hamburgers or tacos.”

“Either sounds fine. I guess maybe tacos. Uh, Mom, are you doing my laundry again? I told you you didn’t need to worry about that”

She waved her hand. “It’s fine, I was doing a big load anyway so I just threw it in. It saves water this way, and we are still technically in a drought. By the way, did you get some new clothes? There was some stuff I didn’t recognize in there.”

“Uh, yeah, a friend lent me some stuff. Hope that’s not a problem.”

“No, it’s fine! Is this for more of your… uh… costume stuff?”

“It’s cosplay, Mom, and yeah, it’s from one of Jazz’s friends I met at the con.”

“Well, it was nice of them to lend you stuff! I’m glad you’re making some friends in the area. Just let me know if he or she wants to come over sometime and I can cook a little extra.”

“Sure, Mom. Thanks. She’s named Allie, I think you’d like her.”

“Oh, and if you ever need to talk to me about anything, you know I’m always here, right? No matter what, your father and I will always support you.”

“Thanks, Mom,” Alex mumbled.

“Now, can you help me out with this darn crossword? What’s a five letter word, starts with T, clues is ‘fat or gender’?”

***

‘Hey, just fyi my mom found the clothes you gave me. Not that I hid them or anything, but she keeps going into my room and doing my laundry even though i told her not to’

‘Lol i wish i had your problems. I have to constantly hoard quarters to use in my building’s machines, and half the time I check they’re all full anyway.

Is everything good, though? From what you’ve said your mom seems pretty cool’

‘Yeah, she didn’t say anything directly about the clothes. but she said something about how i can always talk to her and she supports me or something’

‘Oh that’s good! Wish my parents were more like that tbh. Still not out to them’

‘I mean, it would be great if i was gay or trans or something, but i’m not so it’s just super awkward. I know she means well but i’m just embarrassed’

“Yeah… well, there are worse things in the world”

***

“Hey,” Alex said to Allie, sitting beside her on the couch. “Would it be cool if I started keeping some of my stuff here?”

“Whoa, bringing the U-Haul already? I thought I was supposed to be the lesbian here.”

“Oh, no, I just meant maybe I could keep some of, like, the clothes you gave me here. I’d rather not have that kind of weird interaction again, and I’m over here a lot of the time anyway.”

“I guess that’s fine for now, yeah. You should really move out of your parents’ place though. I mean, you have a good job, and you can definitely afford it.”

“Yeah, I guess so? But rent is a lot, and I feel like I can save money long-term by saving up until I can buy a house.”

“Whoa, a millennial owning a house? Incredible. Really making the impossible possible.” Allie suddenly looked more serious. “But genuinely though, it feels like a lot of your self-worth is really tied into your parents and what they think about you, and I feel like because of that you think you have to hide certain parts of yourself from them.”

“Well, yeah, I don’t exactly want my mom to see my browser history. I just… I guess I think there’s some stuff I should just keep private, not because I’m necessarily ashamed of it, but more because it’s none of other people’s business and it would make them uncomfortable for me to bring it up for no reason or shove it in their face.”

“I understand that--trust me, I have some friends who talk way too much about their kinks and it’s just awkward--but I think what you’re saying should apply to stuff that wouldn’t normally come up in everyday life, like the specific stuff you like to do in the bedroom or the kind of porn you read. But I don’t think you’d ever make someone else wear clothes they didn’t like, unless it was like at work and they wanted to be naked or wearing a gimp suit or something. And I feel like we’ve spent enough time together, with you dressed in various ways, that I can say that you seem happier when wearing more femme clothes. I’ve seen you look in the mirror, and it’s pretty obvious when you’re feeling better or worse about yourself. I’m not necessarily saying you need to make any big changes or throw out your whole wardrobe or come out to people in a big way, but I think it would be worth trying to get more comfortable presenting more femme around your parents, and maybe even at work if you’d feel safe doing that. I’m not trying to tell you what to do or anything, just a suggestion, but I care about your happiness and right now it feels like you’re not letting yourself live how you want to because you worry so much about what other people think. Or not even what they think, but what you think they’ll think.”

Alex, who had been staring intently at the floor, looked up at Allie for a moment before looking back down. “Look, I know you’re probably right. My parents aren’t exactly woke but they’re generally pretty nice people, and my mom basically already came out and said she’d be okay with it. And a few people at work are assholes, but there’s a few gay people on my team and I’m pretty sure there’s at least one trans woman who works at my office, plus there’s pretty strict policies about not discriminating or harassing based on gender identity or presentation, so it would probably be fine. The issue, really, is that I just… can’t. It’s too much. I know I seem happy when I’m wearing girl’s clothes and I’m just here hanging out with you, but I can’t take that into the outside world. I can tell myself intellectually that it would be fine all I want, but I can’t get rid of this gut feeling that, outside of the context of a con or Halloween or something, people would be judging me. Even if they didn’t say anything, I would know that they’d think it’s weird. That I’m weird.” He sighed. “I know this is probably something I should do, okay? But I’m afraid. This is scary. It feels like I’m going to make myself vulnerable to all these people, and I just have to trust them to not hurt me.”

Allie leaned over and enveloped him in a tight hug. “I get that it’s scary, but you don’t have to dive in all at once. Maybe next week you can try just wearing women’s jeans or an ambiguous shirt and see how that goes. Just dip your toes in until the water starts feeling comfortable.”

“Yeah, you’re right. That makes a lot of sense. I was focusing on the idea of me, like, showing up to work wearing a dress tomorrow, but what you’re saying seems a lot more manageable.” He hugged her back. “Thank you, for always being willing to listen to me and my anxiety, and for helping me calm down.”

“No prob! And hey, you know what else we could do that might help you relax?” Allie wiggled her eyebrows, before leaning in for a kiss.

***

Not the next week of work, but the week after, Alex wore some of Allie’s jeans to work. The only remarkable thing was how unremarkable it was. No one commented, or even seemed to notice at all.

Slightly emboldened, that Wednesday he wore a t-shirt that was technically a women’s, although the only possible way to tell was from some minor details of the fit. Once again, nothing.

He was starting to feel a weird kind of frustration about how everyone just seemed to think things were normal. Did people really pay that little attention to what he wore? And if so, why had he spent so much time worrying intently about that exact topic?

Over the next few weeks, he slowly put more and more female jeans and shirts into circulation. Literally the most interesting thing to happen is one time a guy said that he liked one of the shirts because of the art of cats adorning it.

Finally, he decided to go ahead and do it. 

That morning before work, he carefully unfolded a skirt he had brought over from Allie’s, and stepped into it, one foot at a time, before pulling it up and heading downstairs. Surely, if anything was going to get a reaction, this would.

...And it did.

***

Waiting at the end of the morning line for the office’s coffee bar, Alex turned to see Ryan joining the line behind him. Alex raised his hand in a half-hearted greeting.

“Hey!” Ryan said, before a brief pause. “Whoa, dude, uh, what the fuck are you wearing? Did you lose a bet or something? There a costume party and I missed the memo?”

Alex gritted his teeth slightly in irritation. “I’m just wearing clothes I like. No offense, but it really isn’t any of your business.”

Ryan laughed. “I dunno, man, this shit seems pretty weird. It’s stuff like this that makes people think that everyone who works here is some kind of hippy-dippy liberal. Like dude, it’s fine if you’re into weird sex stuff or whatever, but keep that shit at home so you don’t gross out normal people with it. It just isn’t professional.”

A tall woman ahead of them in line turned around, glaring. Alex shrunk back for a moment before realizing that her anger seemed to be aimed at Ryan. “Gender expression is explicitly protected by both company guidelines and California law. Not to mention that you’re just pissing me off.”

“Jesus, why do you even care? I’m not talking about you or to you, but you just have to force yourself into the conversation, huh?”

“You should care, because if you keep saying hate speech like that someone is bound to report you to HR.”

“Hate speech, really?! Jesus Christ you’re oversensitive. I was just stating a fact, which is that wearing lady’s underwear is a weird thing for a dude to do and that there’s no reason to come to work like that.”

Alex decided he didn’t really want coffee that much, after all. As he fled back to his desk he could hear the two continuing to argue in the background.

After grabbing his bag from his desk, he headed to the bathroom and changed into his spare gym shorts, the whole time feeling a desperate need to cry, but the tears just wouldn’t come out.

***

Alex felt a little better after spending a few hours basically just sitting on a beanbag and messing around on his work laptop and not really getting work done. Unless you counted reading memes or catching up on his YouTube subscriptions as work.

Looking at the clock, he realized it was almost the end of lunch and headed down to the cafeteria to grab a quick meal, although he didn’t really feel hungry. At 1 he had his weekly one-on-one with his manager to discuss progress on OKRs and such.

Heading into the small reserved meeting room, Alex’s manager Jim looked unusually solemn.

“Hey, Alex. I heard about what happened this morning and I’m really sorry you had to deal with that. I just wanted to let you know that the incident was reported and I’ve talked to Ryan’s manager, as well as HR and we’ve agreed that for now Ryan will be on a two-week suspension. And I wanted to express that company policy is very clear in prohibiting discrimination based on gender expression or identity, and that everyone on the team supports you unconditionally. If you want to take the rest of today off I understand, and multiple team members have offered to drive you home if that would be helpful.”

Alex was genuinely kind of shocked that there was this much of a reaction to what Ryan had said. Everyone knew Ryan was kind of an ass, but usually there wasn’t much in the way of consequences beyond people getting annoyed. And besides, Alex thought way worse stuff about himself all the time.

“I, uh… thank you. I think that taking the rest of today off probably sounds like a good idea, because to be honest I’ve really been having trouble focusing on work.” Tears finally started welling up in Alex’s eyes.

“Okay, sounds good. I just want to check, do you have anyone at home or anyone you can get in contact with to help make sure you’re okay? I just want to make sure you’re getting the support you need.”

“Uh, yeah, my partner doesn’t work today and she’s generally… helped me a lot with things. Here, let me text her to make sure she’s home, and then maybe I can get a ride to her place, if it’s not too much trouble?”

“No, of course not. I know Sean offered to give you a ride, if that sounds good? Just let him know the address and then you two can head down to the garage together.”

Alex and his teammate Sean took the elevator downward in relative silence, Alex occasionally shifting the weight of his laptop-filled backpack slung over one shoulder. They finally reached the underground parking garage and walked through the everpresent smell of exhaust and oil to climb into Sean’s black Tesla.

“So, I’m taking you to your girlfriend’s place? How long have you two been dating? Uh, if you don’t mind me asking.”

“No, it’s fine. It’s been a few months now, I guess. Let me see… I guess a little over four months now? It simultaneously feels like we’ve only been dating for a few weeks and like I’ve known her my whole life.”

“Anyway, I don’t think anyone is too surprised that if anyone was going to say something like this, that it was Ryan. Honestly, I’ve heard him say some other stuff that was pretty borderline. Or, god, he’s always in the centithreads on misc. Gets in arguments saying that it’s fine for him to say that homeless people near the office are a threat because they’re all mentally ill and might attack an employee, stuff like that.”

“Yeah, I can’t say he was a big fan of his even before this. Although I’m kind of frustrated that the biggest punishment he’s ever gotten is basically just two weeks PTO and a warning. I’ve heard people say that it’s pretty much impossible to get fired here and it seems to be true.”

“I get it. Sometimes I get the feeling that execs think that making everyone take annual sensitivity training is enough to fix discrimination even though it’s just a slideshow with the world’s most boring voiceover and some incredibly obvious multiple choice questions.”

Alex laughed a little. “Yeah, hmmm, should I (A) Sexually harass my coworker, or (B) NOT sexually harass my coworker. Hmm, gonna have to think about this one.”

“Haha, yeah. Hey, I think we’re almost to your destination. Do you want me to just let you, or do you want to see the sick auto-parking function?”

“I think I’m good, thanks. Just let me get out and grab my bag and then you can start heading back. And thank you for the ride, by the way. I know you didn’t have to go out of your way and I really appreciate it.”

“No problem! Hope you feel better tomorrow, and I’ll see you soon. Bye!”

“Bye, thanks!”

Alex texted Allie I’m here and waited for a minute outside Allie’s building, until she came jogging out to let him in and to envelop him in a hug.

“So what exactly happened? If you’re okay to talk about it, I mean.”

Alex sighed. “Yeah, it’s fine, it’s just that guy at my work I’ve complained about before. I decided to wear a skirt today and he was, uh, not exactly diplomatic about it.”

Allie winced. “I’m sorry, that really sucks. They should really just not hire assholes like that in the first place.”

“It’s okay. I’m still a little upset but it’s faded some with time, and I think I’ll probably feel mostly better in a few days.”

“Okay, well, I hope I can help distract you a little and make you feel a little better. Dr. Allie prescribes cuddles, weighted blanket, a silly tv show, and chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream.”

“Where did Dr. Allie get her MD from? Lol.”

“Oh, it’s actually a PhD in philosophy. Just what you need when someone is sick! A bunch of pondering about the nature of mortality.”

Alex gave Allie a quick kiss on the cheek. “You’re silly. No, but thank you for always being here for me. You always know how to make me feel better.”

Allie saluted. “Just doing my job, ma’am.”

She paused for a moment. “Oh, by the way, how did wearing a skirt to work feel? In general, excluding one (1) asshole from the equation.”

Alex thought for a bit. “Honestly, up until that happened I was having a really nice day. I kind of like the feeling of it around my legs. It’s kind of--I dunno--vulnerable, but in a freeing way? I don’t know if that makes any sense.”

“Makes sense to me! I have a friend who refuses to ever wear pants because she says they feel too restrictive lol. Personally, I think we should all be like wizards and wear robes. Then we can just go where we stand and magically make it disappear.”

“I also saw that tweet. Honestly, she should really just get off Twitter before she retroactively ruins the whole franchise for me.”

“Yeah, I feel like her rate and severity of bad takes is just increasing over time.”

The two of them continued talking about random things for a while. Afterwards, Alex felt a lot better. He really was glad to have Allie in his life.

***