Acceptance of the Self

Book 1: Attunement of the Hearts

Chapter 22.ed - Dungeons and Dames

___________________ ღ♥ღ ___________________

Ellie

¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯ •.¸ ¸.• ¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯

 

[ - Tuesday, September 10, 2019 - 11:45am - Illinois Technical Institute - ]

 

I get to sleep in on Tuesdays and Thursdays, and today is no exception. I arrive on campus at the leisurely time of 9:45am and work on finding a parking spot. My first class of the day, Algorithms, begins at ten am.

 

I find parking without too much trouble, and make my way swiftly into the computer science lab. I’ve been trying to make a point to sit somewhere isolated in the back of the room, in case Maddie, Anne or I accidentally talk aloud to each other. Unfortunately this class is fairly full, so I just sit in the back right corner. On the bright side, Derek is in this class and he sits next to me nearly every session. We frequently share memes between each other discreetly on our desktop monitors, and only sometimes get yelled at by the professor for doing so.

 

Today’s lesson is discussing the traveling salesman problem, which is, given a set of cities and the costs of traveling between them, trying to find the most optimal route between the cities such that every city is visited exactly once, you start and end at the same city, and you pay the absolute minimum possible cost for the trip. I keep my attention on the lesson for the most part, though I do exchange a few discreet texts with Derek. 

 

Yesterday I’d come out to him and he’d been super supportive, immediately offering to change my name in his phone and everything. Today he looks a little tired, there are faint bags under his eyes, but he’s been pretty responsive and excited in our texts throughout the morning. Derek plays a rogue in our campaign, an assassin to be precise, and that’s reflected in his real-life personality. He goes at things with a single-minded focus.

 

While I’m paying attention to the lesson and Derek, I can vaguely sense Maddie doing more work on their private lighthouse island sanctuary. They’re admittedly getting a bit more practice at imagination and mind-magic than I am, but I try to make up for it with enthusiasm and intensity when I do get my chances to practice. When I’m not fronting, I’m hard at work on my private library-tower mind space.

 

Soon enough the two hours of salespeople analysis are over, and I’m packing my things alongside my friend. 

 

“Hey um, Ellie," Derek asks me over the hubbub of everyone leaving, "What are you doing before operating systems?”

 

Hearing my name fills my stomach with happy butterflies. And I feel touched that he actually remembers which class I have next. 

 

“Oh um, probably homework,” I reply.

 

“Mind if I come along?” he asks.

 

I finish zipping up my backpack with a surprised but pleased expression on my face.

 

“Sure,” I say, “I don’t see why not.”

 

“Sweet,” he says with a grin, “I gotta catch up on discrete math.”

 

We join the flow of students out of the room, and then make our way towards one of the quiet common areas in the building, me leading the way. We settle in side by side on a couch and pull out our laptops and materials. We work in silence for the most part, messaging back and forth if we feel like chatting. 

 

It’s nice to have some company as I work on my calculus homework. Derek has been my friend since high school, and I'm eternally grateful that he seems to have accepted me as a trans girl so readily.

 

Do you think he'd be okay with us being plural? Maddie asks, having reappeared a few minutes earlier in the viewing tree after finishing her mind space practice.

 

I have no idea, I admit, but it might be worth a shot to tell him sometime?

 

I agree, Maddie says.

 

Shortly after that it's time for us to pack up our stuff and head to our next class. 

 

"Thanks for hanging out, Derek," I say with a smile.

 

He smiles back. "Yeah absolutely! And uh." He scratches the back of his head, then lowers his voice. "I might text you later? I've got some um, questions about trans stuff, if that's not too invasive?"

 

My eyebrows rise, and I sense Maddie leaning forward with interest.

 

"Um, sure," I say just as quietly, "feel free to text me whenever." 

 

“Thanks,” he says, “I’ll catch you later.”

 

And with that he ventures off into the streams of students just getting out of class. 

 

I watch him go, then make my way towards the OS room.

 

---

 

The rest of the day passes by quickly, with the only real excitement being what Derek eventually texts me about. But soon enough it's nearing 5pm and I’m waiting at Dawn and I’s usual meeting spot on campus. 

 

Operating Systems had been challenging but interesting to us today, and we’d spent our last free hour doing homework for the class. Dawn’s classes end an hour later than us on Tuesdays, so we usually wait in the computer lab until a little before she gets out, then walk to our meeting spot on the way to the parking garage.

 

Soon enough I see Dawn coming towards us down the street. I give her a little wave when she looks my way, smiling widely. 

 

Look! I say to Maddie, It’s our girlfriend!

 

Yeah I see her, cutie. Thanks for the heads up, they reply with an internal roll of their eyes. They sit in the viewing tree on one of the many sofas Anne created facing the viewing screen.

 

Dawn’s moving pretty fast, and the look on her face tells me she’s at least as excited as we are about tonight.

 

“Hey Ellie, Maddie,” Dawn greets us sweetly as she nears. 

 

I spread my arms and pull her willingly into a hug. “Hey Dawn,” I whisper into her ear lovingly, “It’s Ellie, I missed you.”

 

“I missed you too,” Dawn says softly, “both of you.”

 

I smile and blush, pulling my upper body away from her slightly, and my instinctive sarcasm kicks in. 

 

“J-Jeez what do you like us or something?” I ask.

 

Boooo, Maddie says.

 

Dawn rolls her eyes, but her smile stays bright. “More than I can possibly put into words,” she says.

 

And then she kisses us, right there on the sidewalk. For a few seconds I’m lost in kissing her back. It’s a gentle kiss, our lips pressed lovingly together. It scares me, doing this in public, but it excites me too. This is the life I want. The life with Dawn by my side. And Maddie too, of course.

 

Dawn pulls back a bit, and we gaze into her amber eyes. 

 

Maddie suddenly joins me in the front, sharing in the sensations we’re getting from Dawn

 

“We love you,” we say together quietly.

 

Our best friend-turned-girlfriend grins fiercely. “I love you too.”

 

I pull her into another tight hug, and then we finally separate. 

 

“How are you feeling about tonight?” Dawn asks, as we begin our walk to the car. 

 

“Nervous, excited?” we hazard, “Somewhere in there.” We wiggle our hand side to side.

 

“Same,” Dawn says emphatically. 

 

“How are you feeling about coming out tonight?” we ask. 

 

“Well we know Derek’s cool thanks to you,” Dawn says with a smile, “and Trevor’s always given me queer vibes. I think it’s worth it no matter how people react, the worst that happens is we have to start a new campaign with new characters, or leave the group if they’re mostly against us. I’m perfectly ready to accept whatever outcome we get. I don’t really want to play if they’re not cool with trans folks.”

 

We nod to ourselves. “Yeah same, I hadn’t thought about it that way, but I don’t really want to keep sitting through this game if they’re against trans folks. Better to rip the bandaid off now.”

 

As we approach the library we have to switch to walking in single file past some other folks going the other way, and I feel irritated that we don’t feel comfortable holding Dawn’s hand in public yet. We just kissed openly! But no, my dumb part of our brain insists that the potential dirty looks people might give us are much worse than the assured happiness that holding hands will get us. 

 

Queer bashing is absolutely still a thing some places, Maddie says, but I think it’s okay around these parts.

 

Thankfully Dawn grabs our hand the moment we’re able to walk side-by-side again, scattering all our worrisome thoughts about the subject and making Maddie and I instinctively blend together again. We smile reflexively. 

 

“I hope this is okay?” Dawn says, as we walk hand in hand.

 

“Yes,” we say firmly, squeezing her hand slightly, “it is.”

 

“Okay, but we can stop any time if it gets to be too much, okay?”

 

We very nearly tear up at the kindness in her voice. She knows us and our anxieties so damn well, we’re so lucky to have her in our life.

 

“Thanks, Dawn,” we say with sincerity, “I really appreciate you.”

 

She laughs lightly. "Right back at you cutie."

 

We arrive at the crosswalk and Dawn punches the ‘walk’ button. It’s probably unnecessary as there are several people already here, but I can’t fault her for making extra sure we don’t spend ten minutes here waiting like happens every now and then.

 

I’m about to comment on it aloud, when I spot a familiar curtain of jet black hair to our left. 

 

“Hey, Beets!” I say, nudging Dawn.

 

She turns to look just as Beets reacts to her name, and we all stare at each other for a few moments before breaking out into smiles. 

 

“Hey Dawn, hey Ellie!” Beets says, coming over to us. 

 

“How are you doing?” Dawn asks.

 

“Oh I’m great, just got out of class and I’m heading home,” she replies. “How about y’all?”

 

“We’re on the way home too,” I say, “well actually, we’re going to a dungeons and dragons game night first.”

 

Beets’ eyes widen. “That sounds awesome! What kind of campaign is it?” 

 

The light ahead of us turns green, and the signal to ‘WALK’ switches on. The three of us follow the handful of people ahead of us across the street.

 

“It’s pretty fun,” Dawn says, “right now we’re playing standard D&D 5th edition, following the pre-made Sunless Fortress module.”

 

“I’m playing a sorceress, Dawn’s a cleric,” we add helpfully.

 

“Nice!” Beets says, “I’ve played through that before, how far are you?”

 

We walk abreast of each other, with Beets and I sandwiching Dawn in the middle.

 

“We’ve just entered what we think is the final level of the dungeon,” Dawn replies, “there’s just one more fight left, we hope.”

 

“Ooo stopped right before the climax! Nice, I hope you both have a blast,” Beets says.

 

I grin at her enthusiasm. “That’s the plan.”

 

“I almost always play a barbarian of some sort,” Beets admits with a faint blush. 

 

“That’s awesome!” I say, “Out of the five campaigns I’ve played in, I’ve been a magic user every time and a sorceress three times.”

 

Beets gives me a warm smile. “Somehow that doesn’t surprise me.”

 

“I’ve moonlit as a fighter and a rogue, but cleric is my go-to for every other campaign I’ve been in,” Dawn says unashamedly.

 

We enter the shadow of the parking garage, and Beets informs us that she’s on the third floor this time. Dawn got a spot on the second, so that’s where we part with our new friend.

 

“It was wonderful seeing you both again!” Beets says warmly, as we say goodbye in the stairwell.

 

“Right back at you!” we say happily, “Let’s plan that hangout with the four of us sometime soon!”

 

“Heck yeah,” Dawn says, “I’ll start a group chat.”

 

“Sweet!” Beets says with a smile. “Have a great rest of your day you too, enjoy the game!”

 

And then they turn and continue up the stairs, while Dawn and I file out onto the second floor and head for her car.

 

As we walk, Dawn turns to me with a smile. “Well that was fun,” she says.

 

She holds out her hand slightly and I take it without hesitation. 

 

“It’s incredible, making friends as Ellie,” we say happily.

 

“Is Maddie happy with that being your like, legal name?” Dawn asks curiously. 

 

I flicker into existence inside the viewing tree, letting Maddie answer themself.

 

“Yeah,” they say, “I’m okay with it.” 

 

Dawn nods. “That’s cool.” 

 

We reach her car shortly thereafter, and Dawn and Maddie open their doors in sync with each other and slip in.

 

Once we’re seated, Maddie turns to Dawn to find her looking at us already, with a hunger in her eyes. Maddie closes our door, Dawn closes hers. Wordlessly, Dawn and Maddie lean towards each other. At first it’s a chaste kiss on the lips, but then Dawn’s fingers find our cheek and pull us towards her, and our left arm slips around her back and pulls her to us. I’ve joined Maddie in the front now, together we hold Dawn.

And for a moment, there is only us: two bodies, three minds, all communing with love.

 

___________________ ღ♥ღ ___________________

Dawn

¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯ •.¸ ¸.• ¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯

 

I finish putting the car into park and cut the engine, silencing The Forever Ritual by the Luna Sequence in the middle of a sick guitar riff. We’re on a side street near David’s house, where dungeons and dragons is being held tonight. The drive had been uneventful, we’d opted to listen to music and chat about the upcoming campaign for most of it.

 

I turn to Ellie, who was last fronting, and say, "Well, this is it. I'm still feeling like coming out, how about y'all?"

 

Ellie fidgets with the trans-colored friendship bracelet on her wrist, which is absolutely adorable. 

 

"I think we're going to come out, but it'll depend on how they react to you," Ellie says. 

 

"Sounds good," I say with a smile, "let's roll?"

 

She laughs lightly. "Girlbots, roll out."

 

I grin as I get my door open and step out into the hot autumn air. 

 

I follow Ellie onto the sidewalk, and we make our way towards the house. We've been here countless times before for other such game nights, so we know how to knock, what to say to David's overbearing parents, and which staircase to take in their massive house up to David's third floor game room. 

 

I spot Derek on the opposite side of the street ahead getting out of his prius, and nudge Ellie.

 

“Look who’s here,” I say with a smile.  

 

She grins. “Hey, Derek!” she calls out.

 

Derek starts a little at the sound of Ellie’s voice, but he quickly smiles and raises a hand to wave.

 

“Hey El- er, Hi you two!” our friend says, as he jogs over to our side of the street and joins us.

 

“Nice save,” Ellie says cheekily, “But we all know I’m Ellie here.”

 

Derek’s eyes widen. “Oh cool!” he says, “So Matt knows too?”

I see Ellie cringe, but I laugh. “Yeah, I know,” I say, “I have an announcement of my own to make tonight.”

 

Derek looks to me with surprise. “Really?” he says curiously.

 

“No spoilers,” I tell Ellie with a smile.

 

She nods. “My lips are sealed.”

 

“Aw, you’re both no fun,” Derek complains, “I want in on the hot goss.”

 

“After what you texted me today? You’ll be in on it in no time at all,” Ellie says mischievously.

 

I raise an eyebrow at her, but all she does is wink at me.

 

The three of us walk side by side down the sidewalk, our conversation drifting to the campaign. 

 

“I think we got this fight in the bag,” Derek says.

 

“Oh yeah, no question, this vampire lich doesn’t stand a chance!” Ellie agrees enthusiastically.

 

“Isn't it a skeleton lich? Either way, I’ll try to keep both your asses alive,” I say with a grin.

 

“Thanks,” Derek replies with an easy smile, "we'll kick this vampire skeleton lich's ass."

 

We reach David’s house shortly thereafter, and are greeted at the door by our friend. David’s got short black hair and soulful grey eyes that always look a little haunted.

 

"Hey guys," David says quietly, "come on in."

 

We thank him and do so. David quietly ushers us up the stairs. We know not to say much about the game before we're in the sound proofed game room, lest David's parents get an inkling that they're hosting a bunch of nerds playing an "unholy devil's game." David's said before that the less his parents know about us all personally, the better, and I've never felt the need to test that boundary.

 

We file into the game room after David, and behold two people already sitting at the large hard plastic table where we do dungeons and dragons. 

 

"Hey y'all," Carl says, sitting on the left side of the table. He's got messy sandy blonde hair and a wit as sharp as a whip. He's our resident druid in the game and he's pulled us out of the fire several times throughout this campaign. 

 

"Hi guys," Trevor says from the far head of the table. Trevor's our dungeon master, so he runs the game and generally tends to act as a leader for the group. He's got short black hair that he’s been fighting with his parents to grow out for ages. He also looks even paler than usual, with deep bags under his green eyes.

 

"Alrighty, so we're just waiting on Brandon now," David says, moving towards his seat on the left side of the table. He gestures towards the empty seats on the right side. "I'll let you find your seats," he says to us. 

 

Distantly we hear the doorbell ring.

 

"Damnit,"  David says, "I told him not to ring it."

 

He doesn’t seem particularly mad, and I get the feeling he’s more concerned that his parents will intercept his friends and ruin their nights than anything else. He hurries back to his feet and heads towards the door again.

 

"I heard he's got a new girlfriend. Might be there's a lot on his mind," Trevor comments, leaning his chin on his clasped hands which are supported by him leaning his elbows on the table.

 

Ellie glances at me and stifles a little smile. I wink back at her. 

 

David pauses at the door and gives Trevor a raised eyebrow. "Could be I guess. I'll be right back with the idiot."

 

Our host vanishes back the way we came, and Ellie and I slide into our seats on the east side of the table.

 

“How’d you hear about Brandon’s girlfriend?” I ask Trevor curiously. 

 

He shrugs, and I can tell he’s already in his unflappable DM persona.  “I have my sources,” he says cryptically.

 

Carl and Ellie both scoff. Derek pulls out his phone and looks absorbed in whatever he’s doing with it.

 

“Uh huh,” I say, crossing my arms and raising an eyebrow at Trevor. 

 

He smiles, but says nothing more. 

 

“Are your ‘sources’ facebook?” Derek asks, revealing his phone screen with Brandon’s profile pulled up. “Says here he’s dating a ‘Martha Scylla’.”

 

Trevor grimaces. “Okay you caught me,” he says, “I sometimes do actually check facebook.”

 

“Unbelievable,” Carl says, “and here I thought maybe you actually had other friends.”

 

“Oof, low blow,” I say with a grin. 

 

Trevor’s smiling too. “I like to keep my private life separate from my godly life.”

 

“For the last time, you’re the storyteller, not god,” Ellie says with a teasing tone.

 

“They’re one in the same, my dude,” Trevor says.

 

“I’m personally very excited to hear what news Matt has for us,” Derek cuts in.

 

I raise an eyebrow at him, but don’t say anything. Unfortunately, the rest of the group don’t look like they’re going to let it go.

 

“Oh?” Carl asks from across the table. Both he and I sit closest to Trevor, with Ellie and Derek on my side of the table and Brandon’s and David’s empty seats on Carl’s side.

 

“Oh indeed,” Trevor says, giving me his best imploring stare.

 

I cross my arms and lean back in my chair.

 

“You’ll all have to wait until everyone’s here, I’m not going over this more than once tonight,” I say firmly.

 

“Aw c’mon man, not even a little hint?” Carl whines.

 

“Not a one,” I affirm. 

 

“Very well, we won’t pry then,” Trevor says, pointedly staring at Carl.

 

“Yeah yeah alright,” Carl says with a wave of his hand.

 

Just then the door at the back of the room opens again, and Brandon walks in followed by David. 

 

“Not to worry,” Brandon says with a grin, “I’m here and the party can officially begin.”

 

David closes and locks the door behind him as per usual while Brandon moves towards the table.

 

“Hardy-har,” Carl says as the two newcomers find their seats next to him. Brandon sits beside Carl across from Ellie, while David sits beside Brandon and across from Derek.

 

As they sit down, Trevor straightens up. “Alrighty folks,” he says, “before we begin, it sounds like there’s some news to be had?” He looks to me. 

 

I nod. Butterflies buzz around in my stomach. “I don’t need to share it right away,” I find myself saying, “we could play first?”

 

Maybe one last time, before everything changes forever? It certainly couldn’t hurt, right?

 

“I dunno Matt,” Brandon says, “how can we focus on the game without knowing what’s up?”

 

There are murmurs of agreement from most of the other guys present. 

 

“If you don’t want to share you don’t have to, Matt,” Trevor says firmly, “though I have to admit I’m very curious.”

 

I sigh. Fine, it was time to rip the bandaid off, anyway.

 

“Well alright then, you all asked for it,” I say solemnly. “My news is thus: my name isn’t Matt anymore, it’s Dawn. I’m a trans woman, she/her pronouns, please.”

 

I stay seated and staring at the table in front of me throughout the short announcement, then I glance around at my friends. Looks of shock and surprise cover nearly every face. Only David seems to be unmoved by it.

 

There are a few moments of stunned silence, before Derek sputters out, “Holy shit that’s awesome Dawn!”

 

Ellie’s hand finds mine under the table, and she squeezes tightly. I squeeze back just as hard for a moment, then take a deep breath.

 

“Thanks,” I say to Derek with a smile.

 

“Damn,” Carl says, “congrats dude-- er, Dawn!”

 

I smile at him too. “Thanks, Carl.”

 

My heart’s beating a mile a minute, but I did it! I did the scary thing! It’s done! Now can I please go hide in a corner and disappear for a few hours minimum?

 

Unfortunately, I’ve still got a dungeon to dragon, so I remain seated and focused on the people around me.

 

Trevor looks to be bursting with excitement, like an evil scheme of his is finally paying off. “Hot damn,” he says, “I’m so happy for you figuring yourself out!”

 

Brandon looks a little confused, but he says, “Congrats, Dawn.”

 

I turn to look at David, and say, “I know not to mention this to your parents David, if that’s something you’re worried about.”

 

David’s eyes widen a little. “Oh, uh, thanks um, Dawn,” he says, “I support you one hundred percent, but yeah they very much do not.”

 

I smile at him. “Not a problem,” I say.

 

“I mean it’s a little bit of a problem, having parents like that,” Ellie says from beside me. 

 

David laughs. “Truth,” he says.

 

Ellie takes a deep breath, and I glance over to find her with a determined expression on her face. I squeeze her hand under the table in support. 

 

“I have some news as well,” she says authoritatively, “My name is similarly not Erick. I’m Ellie, I’m also a girl, and I’d really appreciate you all using she/her pronouns for me as well.”

 

Derek raises a hand towards Ellie and she high fives it. “Hell yeah girl!” Derek says.

 

“Both of you!?” Carl exclaims with both hands flat on the table, “That’s adorable!”

 

“I’m so happy for you, Ellie,” Trevor says with a bit of awe in his voice.

 

“Any other big surprises we should know about?” David asks.

 

I glance at Ellie to find her looking at me. I give her a questioning look, and she raises our clasped hands above the table for all to see. 

 

“Also, we’re dating,” she says cheekily.

 

I grin widely and squeeze her hand. There’s a round of ‘awww’s from the rest of the group.

 

“Damn,” Derek says with wonder in his voice, “You two must have had a busy weekend, huh?”

 

Ellie and I grin. “You have no idea,” Ellie says.

End of

Chapter 22.ed - Dungeons and Dames