Hey guys, before we get started I just thought I'd mention that The Corruption of Coye vol. 1 is getting an audiobook made, and furthermore, I released an updated version that touches up each chapter and makes it even longer! It went from 28k words to 36k words(126 pages to 162), and beyond that, it was a full 3rd draft rewrite so everything is much improved in general.
Want a preview of the audiobook? Listen to the entire first chapter for free!
Also, there's new merch available!
Been meaning to write something like this, so here it is! There are changes I want to make that would fundamentally change large parts of the story, and I’m going to list my thoughts to better articulate. Changing my mind on these is virtually impossible so I do recommend you not to try and offer alternatives I could do instead, but if you have something to say I’ll still read it. Just telling you up front.
I want to remove the ‘Hero of Light’ aspect, but if I did that then I would still need a reason for the Guild Master’s eyes and eventually Task Master since that’s a pretty integral part of the character and backstory.
It also bothers me how he starts with a normal sized penis and then gets magically big after meeting Sam because of chosen one bullshit, but like... that just makes no sense to me now. If Luxy meant for him to have this power focused around sex and bonds with girls then why would it only activate once he met a specific girl vs just giving him a big dick which would lead to more confidence growing up.
Further, he can magically look at Sam because she’s destined or w/e, but then it gets expanded to just being able to look at whatever girl he wants ala Opal, Snow, Peri/Cherry. Either he’s always been able to look at women, or something else happens. Not sure. I don’t want him to lose the ability to look at women though.
It just reeks of my inexperience at planning crap like this out early on. I also don’t like the destined thing in general. I’d rather they naturally be attracted to GM because of his ability to draw people in and his actions rather than having a big magical bonus when it comes to them.
No magic semen as a result of removing the chosen one shit, too. I don’t think it adds that much(you could even argue it takes away progression/natural development) and is just another stupid level I have to factor in. I really don’t like having to manage time when writing. Like, introducing an element where I have to be like ‘wait have they had sex in the last 24 hours or is Sam weaker at this moment’ is just something I don’t want. You might think I could just make it into a pill or something, but that misses the point in that I just don’t want a micromanage-y element like that to begin with.
One of the big reasons I want to remove the hero of light shit is that my plan for the Demon Lord isn’t for like, ages and ages of books down the line and I don’t want the GM to have some destiny that is so far off that it makes him look bad for not doing something about it. This would need to change what the argument was that led to Grandpa’s death, but I doubt I would have much trouble with coming up with an alternative. Perhaps something like he just doesn’t want GM to have to deal with the Association in any way shape or form and is dead set against it.
Furthermore, having GM connected sets the expectation that this is a Demon Lord centric story when really it’s not. The Demon Lord is meant to be an extremely far off threat that gets mentioned here and there. Lore-wise, there hasn’t been a Demon Lord in over 1,000 years, so I think a lot of people wouldn’t even believe there is one and chalk what happened to Meri’s town as some minor Demon King making a ruckus and then chickening out. Showing a debut chapter featuring the Demon Lord so early was a mistake on my part, but back then, I was including random shit for hype left and right. It really should have only been a background thing that gets brought up here and there.
Removing the chosen one shit would also remove Luxy from her current role in the story, which some might not like, but I don’t like having a deity on GM’s side who provides help and answers as plot demands but only sometimes. It’s like, I wanted to write an underdog story but yet GM has a deity, magically chosen mates, innate ocular powers, two immensely high level helpers via Opal and Nikita, and so much other crap that I just don’t like it.
Also, the current portrayal of an out of touch lazy Goddess has strayed very far from how I’ve come to think of Lux Ultima in my lore. I don’t really see her that way anymore. I see her as a counterpart to her chaotic sister, who makes Karnalle worse on every whim, so Lux represents order. Lux would be more overstressed and she thinks more about the big picture and not the needs of the smaller folk of the Realm, which is how she would be out of touch. Same results but very different in execution.
Some minor shit I want to change in regards to the first book would be adding a lot more to GM and Sam’s early dynamic and making GM becoming more driven not an immediate thing. No sex between them for like a week, it’d be like the last hurdle after a week of improvements to his life.
Someone also rightly pointed out in a criticism that GM’s ambition and actions are a bit wonky, and I agreed with all their examples. So I want to have him make a lot more sacrifices for the girls in different ways. One way I have in mind is to make getting Sam armor a big part of the first volume. It’d be her current armor- retconned from being made by Gwin which didn’t make sense to begin with. I’m thinking they’d go out toward the end of the week with the intent of picking up something cheap to start with, but they see the set and Sam is super into it but it’d be really expensive.
I think GM would go behind her back and sell off a lot of his crap, probably like expensive alcohol leftover from his grandpa, to afford it and surprise her and represent that he’s taking steps on his own. Further, Sam would inspire/help him clean a few parts of the Guild early on to show he’s actually trying to improve his life. They might have to wait for Zutiria to help with that, though. It wouldn’t be a good cleaning job, but it’d look better than welp none of us want to do it so let's just wait to get cat maids.
So throughout their first week they’d flirt a lot and by the end of it, after the armor, the thing would play out as normal. Sam calls him out on not acting on their obvious chemistry and he’d get the whole ‘do what you want’ thing, only now there’d have been a week of development to reach that point.
I have more things in mind for changing other things, but I’m mainly focused on thinking about what would be the first volume with Sam right now.
Honestly, I think you were overthinking the big battle with the BBEG. The GM had no way to find or hunt down the demon lord. He was taking care of things in order of priority. The False Duke presented more of an immediate threat.
On the note of priority, his girls are no where near strong enough to pose a real threat to the Demon Lord. They have so much work ahead of them to even be considered high-tier adventurers, let alone high enough to match his forces.
Alas, I get what you mean. Sometimes it's more effective to introduce bad guys in a more episodic fashion. Still, I don't think this was a blunder by any means. Many authors introduce their largest threats only to put them on the back burner. They take the majority of the series to flesh out their main protagonist against lesser threats. In the meantime, they pepper the story with lore and characters to tease the "impending evil". A destroyed village here, a vengeful Gerblin matriarch there... etcetera.
I am looking forward to the increase in healthier moments in the relationship dynamics. The GM taking initiative to better his guild as well as Sam and his relationship not being so "rushed by destiny" seems promising.
I'm also a bit excited to see how you shape things away from the whole 'Hero of Light' bit. I think its a little overplayed, but not so much so that it's cringey or inorganic. It's a trope for a reason. It works. Still doesn't stop me from wanting to see how it's absence plays out.
I wont lie when saying that i hope pumpington's introduction is just a tad less... ridiculous. I wound up falling in love with the character by the end, but that first few dozen chapters after his introduction were trying, to say the least.
The honored pimp in question is a good enough character to warrant a little splash of class to his entrance into the story. I'm not saying to burn down the penis palace, but maybe tone down the cartoon-ish element.
Sorry. I got lost in my own rant. Hopefully that didn't stain my comment. I was intending to be hopeful and complimentary in this comment. I didn't set out to write a scathing review on one of its minor charcters. My apologies.
I digress.
I dont think you were executing your story nearly as poorly as you seem to think. If anything, I'd say it just boils down to writing style. If you don't like that style for this story, perhaps re-booting it was the right call. If it re-kindles your interest in the story, then have at yee!
Also note that any statements that I have regarding this story are the ramblings of a stranger with little-to-no expertise in any subject. I write sometimes, when I feel like it, but I have yet to earn the right to call myself a writer. I have thoroughly enjoyed this story and the characters in it. I hope the less flattering opinions that I've unceremoniously vomited onto your work haven't taken away from that truth.
I hope to see more at some point, but I'll have to wait on throwing money at you until I square some financial things away. I'll see about supporting your work on Amazon as soon as feasibly possible. I also wouldn't mind supporting on patreon, but we'll see on that one. Subscriptions tend to be a slippery slope.
uff this old dog has been around for a long time but let me tell you, do what you want as a fan of yesteryear I have confidence in what you do
As far as his eyes go, they were painfully as a child, then he got his glasses and never took them off afterward. Why not have it so they changed during puberty since in the beginning he was to young for s*x and he never found out because he never took them off. Have Sam accidentally smack him with her sword when she comes back from her failed attempt at slime hunting when she was waving the thing around and they fly off his face.
Thanks for the update, now I'll just add some of my thoughts so as to add something to the conversation.
Regarding the "argument was that led to Grandpa’s death" instead of making it an argument with the GM's future or path being a/the disagreement I was thinking the favors/pressure the grandfather used to find the cure/glasses solution to the GM's pain could be more of the focus.
What I mean by that is that the grandfather could be being put in a tight spot from various pressures caused by how much of a fuss he was making stepping on toes to find a solution.
That added stress could be construed as being the fault of the GMs which could be a source of guilt for the GM which isn't really his fault.
It could also tie in to why the GM was as stubborn as he was to keep the guild independent to the association.
As for what the specific seen would look like between the grandfather and the GM it could be something like MC asking about something that was said by some political rival.
Or it could just be a normal conversation, if the goal of the plot point is to create an emotional obstacle/motivator for the MC I think him learning of extra stress or difficulties because of his eyes being the straw that broke the proverbial back may suffice.
As for the lux changes I like the idea.
The idea about d*ck size change yeah I don't think it's necessary, but regarding magic cum rather then removing it why not just simplify it greatly. So no powers just make it taste good/different for everyone that would still be plenty of reason for studying it for the mages in the group while removing the have they eaten it power up delema.
As for the eyes looking at woman that could be related to his eyes hadn't evolved enough yet, or it could be before the glasses everything was too much and after glasses was too scared to try, or you can make it something like interacting with Sam allowed his eyes to adjust because of her ancestry related to Taskmaster. For this one I don't really have any other ideas.
I think that's covers my thoughts on that.... Overall like the ideas you have put out.
There might be some good stuff here, we'll see. Thank you for going in-depth with your ideas.
The thing about magic cum is if I changed the very core of his powers it wouldn't necessarily still be related. I'm also rethinking her ancestor being related to Taskmaster as well. I need to fundamentally rethink the power and how he acquires it and how it works until I'm satisfied with it. The core idea for this series was always about a Guild Master who watches his adventurers via a screen ala mission control so that much will stay the same.
Lux would be more overstressed and she thinks more about the big picture and not the needs of the smaller folk of the Realm, which is how she would be out of touch.
Do you even Gandalf, bro? You don't power vs power @ darkness.
Between what you describe and a lazy goddess that gives people magic cum for shits and giggles, I'd bet on the latter every time.
It also works as a brilliant foil against his attitude. Here's a massive d*ck and magic cum, try not to end up as a dashing hero in shining armor, see how that works out for you.
I can see that this really bothers you, but the plot just seems like such a minuscule part of RotGM compared to the amazing characters and scenes that I can't help but wish you'd stick to what you're good at.
I don't understand how you're getting what you're getting from what I said. Everything I've said is to restructure the story in a way to focus more so on the characters and the fun scenes with them and get rid of everything that makes writing it so much of a headache that it prevents me from even wanting to continue.
I have been with you since the beginning ( and occasionally comment) . A lot of what you said makes sense, it just sounds like you need the time to world build so everything else makes sense when you want to do it. World building sucks when you want to get into the meat of what makes your characters so great, but it is a necessary evil.
Since you are making a huge focus on Coye ( read second volume and loving it so far) , honestly this is best time to work on the world building for RotGM. And so far you put a LOT of thought into how you want your characters to be. All I see is good things and you expressing your thoughts on the matter.
Thank you very much for the reassurance, I do recognize your comments haha. You seem to pretty much get where I’m coming from with all this in that it’s not that I don’t want to progress but it’s more like I physically can’t unless I put significant work into all the underlying issues and such and make the foundations better. I tried this in the past with rewriting the first arc with Sam, but that only improved things so much and the problems were much deeper than that. I just want to be transparent in posts like this where I express my thoughts and listen to feedback-even if I’m not really looking for suggestions and such. I’m just afraid of being seen like I will get hung up on fine tuning forever, that kind of thing, or people will think I just want to change sh*t endlessly for no good reason.
I’m glad you’re enjoying Coye, though. It’s much simpler and as you said it allows me time to figure out what I’m doing here.
Understand where you are coming from however it is then hard to see how you can have GM in such a low place without him "have given up being the hero to just be a GM" and yet be so sh*t at it (being a GM). Also the eye thing facilitates his social isolation, I think you'd need to replace it with something - I always though his 'eye issues' was a good part of why he was withdrawn, and having it "solved" by Sam and then the others make his change in attitude and gumption make sense. I also like Luxy being inconsistent, GM's frustration with her helping randomly makes for great comedy.
However my concern about you rewriting RotGM is you are going to make the GM to be much more like your other story's MC's Coye - where even the synopsis for that story is a complete turn off so I can't say if it good or not as I don't want to read it - as there has already bits of RotGM I've really disliked (usually the scenes involving Snow).
Can't say I'm looking forward with a rewrite with such a fundamental shift in underlying motivations for the GM as I have (in the most part) really enjoyed the story in its current form, but I'll reserve judgement for now.
Final request, given you've made it clear you are definitely going to rewrite/rejig the premise of RotGM - with the rewrite, can you write a little less s*x and a bit more story - multiple s*x chapters in a row I find becomes boring - particularly as you only read a new chapter as it comes out - and I find myself going "oh, get on with it, just nut off already and go do something useful (i.e. to progress the plot)" as the plot is interesting and I want to be able to read more of it.
RotGM is my maledom-oriented story, CoC is my femdom-oriented story. There are moments in both stories that flip the script and become the opposite; I am into a wide variety of things. But I think you are vastly jumping to conclusions here as I gave no indication of changing the GM's personality whatsoever. It kind of feels like you're just pre-judging just because I also have a side story more focused on femdom, and that's rather shitty.
I didn't say a single thing about changing his underlying motivations, either. The goal of the story has always been improving the Guild and building a really big, strong Guild. My intention is to trim the fat and focus even harder on that, and If anything I'm talking about bolstering his underlying motivations and making him much more active in his pursuit of that.
I didn't say I was removing his eye issues, either, I explicitly said I'd need to rework things so that the premise still stays the same and he remains in the low position he is at at the beginning of the story. That's my biggest concern at the moment and the most thought is being put into it.
I thought I was really clear in my explanation of things so I'm not sure where you're getting all of this.
Lastly, I'm not changing the amount of sex, but there might be more between it in the rewrite. I did say I'd change Sam's s*x to be like at the end of a whole book's worth of material so there's that. Either way, I like writing sex, especially big huge scenes that last multiple chapters, I'm sorry to say. Also, in case you missed it, this wouldn't be a problem anyway as I'm not releasing the rewrite public and it's going to be in whole books on Amazon, not chapter by chapter.
Thank you for expressing your thoughts, though. It allows me to question my decisions and that's always valuable.
@PunishedKom I do not read RotGM as maledom at all - and I find femdom a complete turn off. But that's just me. But if you consider it maledom then we just have a difference of definition - rather than being a criticism of the story itself. I like the story as it is written at the moment.
My comments were based on my reading what you have said about the rewrite, but I've obviously not interpreted you comments the same way as you intended them to mean. You start with you will "fundamentally change large parts of the story" - my comment was asking/commenting on that basis and what I would like you to keep from my point of view. You then continue "Either he's always been able to look at women, or something else happens. Not sure" but his eye issue stops him looking at women until the "right one(s)" come along - I just assumed that was Luxy showing him who his chosen women were, as he can look at them, not that somehow he can now look at all women without issue. So thought you pulling Luxy as she is now from the story would change this - but you say it won't, so good.
The growing penis size - that was lame - pure and simple - please get rid of it - so characteristic of young giggly teen boys "oh a BIG penis" - for gods sake why do all harem MCs have to have equipment like the most abnormal po*n star. Equally understand the magic semen thing - "I have a Brothel in Another World" has a good idea - the bonus the MC gives his ladies is based on the level of "connection" (or devotion) they have to him, so is an increasing but permanent bonus - which would allow GM to buff his partners without you having to remember how long ago he last gave then one.
The s*x thing - you like writing it which is fine - I just letting you know that I am not that thrilled reading it as I don't find your stuff that erotic and when it goes on for multiple chapters I find I'm getting bored - but don't be sorry - you are the author stick with your style and muse.
As I understand you, you are not going to release the rewrite publically, but as whole books on Amazon, I assume this means this story will not get any new chapters on SH?
@Fost I don't see why it's not primarily maledom when he's in control of the vast majority of sexual chapters and most girls he's associated with are subs. Unless by maledom you mean total alpha sh*t where the girls never do cowgirl or even remotely anything dominant without his explicit permission, because yes, that's not it. But I digress, not even worth arguing about when you don't find the s*x erotic in the first place unless you're willing to offer critique on how you would improve that aspect, which I'm always willing to hear so long as it's not just 'make shorter, less femdom' lol.
You still didn't really address why you randomly thought I was changing GM's personality, which rather annoyed me. Like why do you think I have a whole other series dedicated to the sh*t most people don't like in my main story lmao. It's because I want to explore that side of me better than GM's character would allow. If anything the rewrite might have slightly less femdom now that CoC exists. I apologize if I sound contentious, I just get really sick about hearing how it's a complete turn-off to some people.
He'll still have a big d*ck and I won't apologize for my fetish there. It just won't have weird magic emphasis. I might introduce a permanent bonus but I have to better plan out Taskmaster and its origin/development to find if I even want to go that route. Meaning whether I want him to influence their power or leave it to them to show how far they get through hard work.
And yes, I won't be uploading more on SH save for the remaining advance chapters sometime in the future probably. There are still 20 unreleased that are only on Patreon. Right now I'm just using it as an announcement thing/feedback blog like this.
@PunishedKom I don't see it as maledom as he is not acting like an actual dom, just a guy that likes s*x - my internal definition of domination is the dom specifically controls the s*x - if a male just participates in it and GM does, it is just normal 'vanilla' s*x as far as I am concerned - he's not controlling when/where/how the s*x happens, nor doing anything like forced orgasms or orgasm denial/having the partner ask permission for an orgasm, and things like punishment for not following the rules or instructions, etc. But you have a different definition. As for femdom - you like it, I don't - to the point of being a turn-off. But that is just my opinion/my particular mindset. I was just letting you know what bit I like and what I don't, never said you should stop doing it - the point I was trying to make, but I must not have written it that well, is that as many authors stories tend to converge and I would not like if that happened with your stories - but you've said it won't so it's not a problem.
As for your second point, I read what you wrote and that is what I got out of it - however you've now explained that the "fundamentally change a large part of the story" does not include changing GM's personality. When I read that part and other bits as raising the possibility of that happening and I was just voicing my opinion I would not like that to happen - so good it's not going to happen.
Sorry to pigeonhole you as into femdom but the amount of gushing you've done about your other story meant that was my impression. As for the sex, my criticism is a) mainly there is just too much of it, I like spicy foods but not every meal, and b) hard to put into words but a lot of it reads as soulless to me - like you are explaining a po*no to a blind friend describing the action 'blow by blow'. I suspect I'm not your typical reader as I am much more interested in the emotional connection that intimacy brings, so quite a bit of the GM/Sam s*x and some of the GM/others are really good, where you write the deepening of the emotional bonds the happen during the sex, but a lot of comes across as transactional activity. I doubt I am explaining myself very well and you are probably going "err what?" - I just suspect what I find erotic and what you find erotic is different. I'll skip the s*x bits and read the other parts of this story, you go on writing the s*x scenes the way you like as plenty of readers do seem to enjoy them.
A bit sad that after 20 or so chapters there will be a hiatus but that happens with any number of other stories so I'll leave the reminders up for this and see what happens.
Final comment - the bits of your story I like I really liked, you have talent so please keep going. What you write isn't always to my taste, but the stuff that is, is great. I wish you every success with Coye and the rewrite of RotGM in the future.