DerbyGhost

Apologies about not putting out a chapter last night. My partner and I had a last minute visit to go meet a new kitten. They're currently sitting at the end of the bed curled up and purring like a little engine. But without further ado, let's check in on our favorite freaked out cursed kitten.

Eventually I was able to be coaxed back into the room by Kass who promised me that all the lights were on and the freaky ass hand was put away. Maybe, just maybe, this would cause them to analyze their use of a dead man’s appendage, but I’m sure that that level of self-reflection is beyond them. I was worried that our favorite transformation expert would be upset at me for breaking the mirror, but apparently both Herbert and Daphne were ecstatically taking measurements of the pieces of the broken mirror and storing them away for further study. 

And it dawned on me. These weren’t scary people coming from a position of high power, well technically yes they were. But these were nerds. Nerds with bad social skills who were extremely well versed in like, one area of their lives to the neglect of others. Did that make every time Daphne glared or yelled at me less shitty, nah, but even if she was kind of a rude gatekeeper, I at least could recognize more where her brain was at. I recognized the drive to learn more and to be the best, and also I knew how that could sour relationships. Of course the magical world had to have people like my dad.

The two ecstatic dorks recognized that I was back when I sat down and they jumped on me with their questions. What happened? Did I recognize anything specific? Did I look any different in the mirror (apparently a tell-tale sign of when a KT has been cursed is that the KT doll looks the same as it did at the start of the process). So I settled down and explained everything. The way the shadows drifted around into a single mass. The bunny. Even that it talked to me, not necessarily that I found its voice hot. . . but that it talked to me. I would have had to go down a tangent of my attraction to demons and creatures of the darkness, which would have gotten really awkward now that I knew that those weren’t just confined to the realm of fiction. Wait does that mean that succubi are real? If so how do I become o-I mean meet one and tell them good job. Shoving that thought aside, I finished my story expecting a straightforward explanation from the two of them. 

Daphne and Herbert shared a quick look. Maybe there was something going on between the two of them, when they were all frantically grabbing bits of the mirror they looked pretty close, maybe they had an under the table fuck-buddy magic pals thing going on. I don’t know, my brain is scattered. I’m thinking about succubi. Who knows! Maybe everyone is secretly fucking.

“Well,” Daphne said, looking down at the scattered bits of the magic circle she had drawn over an hour ago, “I have to say Knot, that doesn’t sound like any particular curse I’m familiar with.”

Herbert nodded adding in “There are definitely many different spirit beings, Gods, living spells, or even cryptids that this could be- but nothing really is popping up at the top of my head. It was sentient, yes, it wasn’t just following some programming?”

“Well I hope so, otherwise some non-sentient THING knows my name!” I said, my voice feeling rough and shrill. How could they not know? I literally just admitted they were the experts and they had to help me, especially if I still had this… thing hanging around me.

“Well curses and lingering beings can be, uh, hard to parse through sometimes. Especially when it's vague like that. Damn if you had magical sight maybe this would have been a little easier.”

“Yeah I’m so so sorry that I got cursed and can’t properly see what cursed me. How dare I make this dramatic oversight.” I rolled my eyes.

“Yes thank you so much, I forgive you.” Herbert nodded, “Now you’re sure you saw a bunny? It wasn’t any other kind of lagomorph or rabbity thingy? No antlers, perhaps?”

“Well besides being cloaked in darkness it was your standard two to three foot tall rabbit. Run of the mill stuff really.” 

Herbert, God bless him, didn’t miss a beat. “Excellent. Now, I’m going to have to study this more in depth. Rabbits have a little bit of a, uh, hairy past when it comes to mythology. A lot of trickster hares out there in the world. Usually rabbit spirits are quite mischievous and all over the place. Frenetic. Mm. They love practical jokes, sure, but this could be a spirit in the form of a rabbit or even something more powerful. Oh my gosh there are so many books that I’m going to need to get from the Library.”

He stared off into space for a moment mumbling to himself until he realized that he had just trailed off, “So maybe come back in, uh, six to eight months and I should have a pretty good idea of what we’re dealing with? I’ll start with known pantheons and work my way down from there, crossing out options as we go. Now obviously if I find out earlier I’ll let you know, but with a case like this I feel like I’m going to have to do a lot of research. Sounds good?”

“Six to eight months! That’s outrageous!” I stopped and if I had a heart it would have stopped cold right then and there. My voice, which I was quite happy with in its static androgynous state, cracked. Except unlike my first puberty, my voice broke up. When I said “outrageous” it went up at least an octave. It sounded closer to my sister’s voice than my old pre-wreck tones. Herbert responded but I wasn’t listening. My mind was somewhere else. 

Today was a day of Why’s I suppose. Wasn’t that the whole point of using a KT, self-reflection. My old voice was fine though! It was serviceable. I don’t know why I’d want a higher voice. Even if it did sound nice, at least from the one word that I heard of it. Melodious even, I always was envious of the light ways in which some women talked. Like every statement was its own little song, it seemed so peaceful. Especially compared to the cement truck gravel that my voice had become. 

Well I guess I would just have to test it further to see how I really felt. Maybe I’d read a little bit out loud tonight, oooh or try singing. I hadn’t sung in years, not since the karaoke fiasco when I tried to belt out a Panic! Song and my parents made fun of me for it. Maybe I could finally hit some of those Hayley Williams vocals… That could be fun.

“Hey, hey Jay?”

“Hmm.” I turned, frustrated that my voice seemed to be the same androgynous pitch. Kass was standing up, cat carrier in hand, staring at me.

“Hey Jay, they stopped talking like, a minute ago. We’re good to go, bud. Do you wanna just hop in the cat carrier now and you won’t have to deal with Craig or anyone else?” I nodded and wordlessly leapt into the carrier, curling up for an overdue nap. It’s funny, this morning I hated this little mobile prison with every fibre of my being. Now it was sanctuary, somewhere I could wrap up free from all of these worries. Everything just happens so much. 

~~~

Dinnertime came, and despite my protests that I was totally good to cook Kass insisted we order from the Vietnamese place around the corner that we both loved. I wanted to fight hir, but the idea of a bahn mi sounded like literally the best thing in the world right now. And it’s really hard to argue with someone when you had crunchy bread and vietnamese pork and pate on the mind. 

Kass had been giving me plenty of space since we got back home from Three Card. Zie told me that zie’d be up for talking about it whenever I felt like it but I just shook my head. It felt like for the first time in two weeks the scale of what was happening to me was finally setting in. It was getting harder to push thoughts down and ignore them. There were just too many and wherever I happened to shove my bad thoughts in my brain had put up a “No Vacancy” sign. 

I was going to be a new person, I couldn’t escape from that. Well I’d still be me, right, but apparently I’d be even more me than I thought possible. These two weeks I’d just been dealing with the assumption that I’d basically be the same ol’ me give or take a few inches and maybe my nose would be a little smaller. I dunno, maybe I’d have a different hairline, my sis had this really cute widow’s peak that she was able to style. Something like that would be nice, especially with my new ears. 

But today, my voice cracking, my bun-centric curse, my newly gained feline attributes. It was too much too fast. I felt overloaded. I needed somebody else besides Kass, I had burdened hir so much. I needed someone else to talk to, and since she had been on my mind all day, I realized it was way past time to reach out to my sister. 

Hey sis, I know I haven’t talked to you much. Especially since my big fight with mom and dad. And then before that your big fight with mom and dad. And, uh, I know you’re like 30 minutes away and I just graduated from CPU, would you like to come over and I could make you dinner sometime? My life has been really crazy recently and I didn’t realize how much I missed you.

Putting the phone down I realized just how absolutely pissed the magical so-and-so’s at Three Card would be knowing that I might see my sister like this, but then I realized I didn’t give a fuck. 

She was the one blood relative that I had that I missed, and I had been neglecting her because our sperm and egg donors were total toolbags. And besides I had way too many questions about my childhood and bits of it were blurry. I’ve had this bad luck at least since high school, but was that always the case? Did that have some kind of connection to my curse? Maybe she’d help. And even if she couldn’t help with that, it’d be one more person to confide in.

My phone buzzed and I looked down, holy shit Audrey messaged me back that quickly huh.

Yoooooooooooooooooooooo Jerrod! I was wondering if you were gonna hit me up now that school is over. What the fuck is up my dude? I have a personal philosophy of never turning down a free meal, especially not one prepared by my favorite little sibby. How about I see you, uh, how about Friday? That’s like five-ish days? Me and Stace are totes bogged down at work and I wanna give you all of my attention. XO

I laughed. Wow, even though Audrey was apparently an adult she still texted like she was on a secret high school bender. It was comforting to know that even though she and her wife were both pretty serious graphic designers that she was still goofy ol’ Audrey when it came to talking with me. 

Kass shouted at me that dinner was here and I quickly shot Audrey a text back in reply before heading my way to the kitchen. 

Hey just so you know, Stace is totally invited as well. I have been wanting to get to know her more for like, forever. Umm, also any food preferences? We’re pretty much a pescetarian house right now, but I can grab some meat if y’all want it. Oooh or I could whip up a nice Shrimp pasta dish. I’m working on ~self-improvement~

~~~

Dinner seemed to crawl by as I was still mostly in my own head. It was hard to get out once I got in, like a maze designed by a clinically depressed person. I was feeling rough, and I knew that I needed to have the conversation that I promised myself I was going to have with Kass this morning, which felt like a million years ago.

After polishing off my first spicy and savory bahn mi, I turned to Kass who was awkwardly slurping hir pho. I had to clean the air. We needed to talk about everything that was happening. There was only so long that I could tip-toe by the elephant in the room. “Hey. . hey Kass?” My voice was soft, still in that androgynous state. It hadn’t cracked since we last were at the office. 

“Mmm.” Zie looked up, noodle dangling from hir lips. Classy Kassy. Not that I can necessarily judge hir, I wrinkled my nose licking off the remaining crumbs from the baguette. 

“Uh, we need to talk.” I whimpered, trying desperately just to plow forwards with the conversation. “So I’ve been thinking about things, like, y’know. All the things that have been happening are just, well they’re hella overwhelming.”

“I can’t say I understand what you’re going through, Jay. But you’re doing amazing. You heard Herbert back there, most people get really antsy and uncomfortable in a KT body.” Kass was trying to cheer me up, but it was obvious that zie was distracted.

“Well, I uh, I think you can understand what I’m going through. Or maybe. . . you will. Eventually.” Oh God I was fucking this up where is my brain going with this. I cleared my throat, the scratchy feeling building up again, “Kass. Why did you have a KT ready to go at our house? Not that I mind, obviously, it kind of saved my life.” I knew the answer, or at least I thought I did. But I needed to hear it from my friend. 

“Huh, I thought I told you,” Kass shifted nervously in hir chair. Hir pho must have been fascinating considering how it was now the main focus of hir attention. “I’m studying it to help people with their transitions, y’know, just to make things easier. You see how they treat KT’s back at Three Card. The way people talk about KTs… it’s so, well, clinical and bizarre. Like they forget that there are real human beings inside there. I wanted to be able to do some research to change that.”

“Yeah sure,” I nodded. “But,” my voice shot up an octave again and my heart soared “but, I think there’s more to it than that.” Oh my God why did it have to happen at such an awkward time, I had to try as hard as possible to keep a smile off my face. This wasn’t fair to Kass, this is supposed to be a serious conversation and now all I can think about is how lovely my voice sounds like this. Dammit, Jay, focus on someone else for once in your goddamned life.

“Jay. . . “ Kass’s voice was breaking and I could see the tell-tale sign of tears in hir eyes. No, no no no no non no. This wasn’t how it was supposed to go at all. This was supposed to be classy and nice over a lovely homemade breakfast.

Without thinking I hopped up on the table and sprinted over to leap onto a shocked Kass. It was hard to wrap them up in a hug, zie was still so much bigger than me. But I had to show Kass- I had to show that I loved and supported hir. Especially after everything that zie had done for me. This was all my dummy brain could think of so I was going all in. Maximum himbo affection smother.

“Kass. I’m so sorry. I’m so thankful that you helped me, thankful that you gave up your KT for me. For ME! Why me? I don’t know but damn you done did it.” My voice was light and soft, and even though the words were hard to say part of me gained strength just from hearing my lovely tones. “I didn’t deserve to be saved Kass, not at the expense of your happiness. No matter what happens, I’m in your debt.”

Kass scoffed, “Jay, it’s okay.”

“No!” I shouted, shocked to realize there were tears forming in the corner of my eyes. How could I be crying now? KT’s weren’t supposed to be able to cry, right? Big boys don’t cry dammit, emotions get out of here, “It’s not okay! I took this from you! This should be you getting the body of your dreams right now. This should be you facing your dysphoria. Instead you’re saddled with me, I’m just some idiot cis guy who stumbles his way through life and takes you and your sacrifices for granted. Failing upwards all the way and dragging you along with me. We’ve been so crazy over the past two weeks that I’ve never really been able to pay you back for how sweet you’ve been.”

Kass picked me up out of the hug and placed me on the table in front of hir, weirdly I didn’t mind hir touching me then. Maybe just because we had gotten even closer over the past two weeks. “Jay, no Jay look at me. You don’t need to pay me back. I knew exactly what I was giving up when I put you in that KT. I knew that it would take me a while to get a new doll going. But also in doing that, I knew that I was going to change your life forever. I’m a consenting adult and I made my decision. Have you been doing all this cooking and cleaning out of guilt?”

“N-no.” I whispered softly. “No. I actually really like it, but part of me was doing this for you.” I didn’t want to admit that part of me was fueled by guilt, but it was.

“Well how about this. You do things like that for yourself now, hmm? And stop worrying about me. It was hard those first couple of days, but that was because I had built this up so much in my head. I was so excited for the experience, not just to have the right body but to be able to study my changes. And you know what, I can still do that! All I’m doing is putting my plans on hold. Does it still sting a little bit watching you run around all cute and peppy? Sure. But it also just makes me all the more excited to do this myself. And now I know that my absolute best friend is going to be there for me as well. You’ll be able to help me so much now that you know what it’s like. You’re my little beta tester.”

I blushed and scooted back towards my seat, grabbing my plate. I brought my second bahn mi over near Kass so we could have some close time. I had to make sure to not drape my tail in hir pho, nobody likes cat hair in your food I now knew from experience. I took a big bite and smiled after swallowing. “You know, I’m glad you had a beta tester.” I laughed, pointing at my kitty ears, “there are some major bugs in the work that need to be solved.”

“Ah well we’ll patch it out,” zie said, “I’m sure all the kinks will be fixed before the full release.” We both laughed and mellowed out. Zie didn’t hate me! Our conversation was a breath of fresh air after the tensions of the entire day. I made a pact with myself to be more mindful of Kass’s needs, but at the same time try not to sacrifice my own feelings in order to appease hir. It would be hard, I definitely would have to practice, but it would be a mindset worth adapting. 

The rest of the dinner flew by as we chatted about what my curse could be, and then drifted onto internet drama. Who was cancelled and why, what game studio was continuing to violate the rights of their workers, which mega-corporation got richer off the blood of their workers, the ills of capitalism- y’know, normal stuff. It was nice to relax. To be me. And every time I responded I couldn’t help but smile and hear my voice. It hadn’t cracked back down since we had our conversation and it just filled me full of joy. If Kass noticed, zie never said anything. And I was glad. As happy as I was about the change, it wasn’t a conversation I was ready to have. At least, not yet anyway. 

Before I knew it, dinner was over. I did the dishes quickly and made sure to clean up the table since I was sitting on it. I don’t know what kind of germs my butt had, even if it was fluffy. That fur could easily trap all sorts of nasty! My phone buzzed as I checked and my sis wrote me back. 

Stace says that she’d LOVE to see you. Especially since the last time we saw you Stace and I were just pretending to be very heterosexual roommates. I can’t believe mom and dad bought that. And shrimp sounds lovely, I can’t wait to see the new and improved you! Go you! UwU

I smiled, God she was such a goof. And oh wait, in all my emotional nonsense I forgot to tell Kass.

“Oh by the way my sister is coming over on Friday and I’m gonna make her a really rad dinner! Okay byyyye!” My voice was light and sweet, and almost brought another tear to my eye. Why did the voice change mean so much to me? Eh, I decided I’d figure it out later, right now I just focused on the sound of my paws skittering across the linoleum as I raced out of the kitchen towards my room giggling the whole time as Kass shouted questions at my back.

DerbyGhost

As always, if you enjoy please let me know!