14 days after new valentines day:

‘You have received a friend request from Tiberia Moore.’ Tiberia. She could have given me a million guesses what Ria was short for, I’d not have gotten it. But it did fit her. I suddenly had lots of feelings about this name I’d never heard before. Tiberia’s the world over are, I assume, all strong, tall, beautiful and confident. Not one little spoon among them. Just thinking about Tiberia, my Tiberia, on top of me, did a lot for me… a lot that probably made me a bad person to think. She wasn’t interested, so me fantasizing about her pinning me down, or strong thighs or umm… fuck, this was going to be hard. Also, shit, did I think of her as ‘my Tiberia’, I am the worst. Fantasizing about her was inappropriate and frankly, rude. Thinking of her possessively was even worse, soulmate stuff be damned, she was her own and no one else's. If we were going to be friends, I needed to not be weird or leery, that should be rule one in the handbook for being the straight male friend of a beautiful  lesbian. Well, at least I hadn’t laughed as she’d requested.

30 days after new valentines day:

This is terrible, and I’m terrible but I’m definitely in love with her. Whoever set up this whole soulmates thing clearly just found my perfect woman and decided that my infatuation would average out with her disappointment to end up at ‘good enough’. I don’t deserve her, and we’re a terrible match, we both know it. But the world is different now, every last thing seems to have shifted to ‘do this with your soulmate or eat shit’. All I can do is try to make being stuck with me as non-hate inducing as I can.

In the world of a month ago, healthy relationships involved time apart and doing your own thing and not being totally co-dependent. Now though, no one is worried about breaking up and from what I can tell, no one get’s sick of their partner after too much time together, apparently they all even like doing the same things! Suddenly, everyone is that cloyingly sweet couple who can’t get enough of each other and get on perfectly. I just wish I could give that to Ria. I do try, and when we game together, which I’ll admit is a lot, we both have fun. Somehow, some way she actually enjoys my company. It might only ever be platonic and there might always be that undercurrent of frustration and longing when we hang out, but I’ll do my best to make her happy.

60 days after new valentines day:

I spent months applying to university, I went to open days, I analysed a dozen things that almost certainly wouldn’t make any difference, I made countless drafts of personal statements that never really said anything personal, I prepared for, panicked about and bumbled through four interviews. All of it to end up with four offers and deep anxiety about if my A-level results would be good enough for any of them.

That was the first time I applied, when I did it by myself. This time, I did at least have my surprisingly good results, that made things easier, I also had Ria. Adults the world over having someone they hated to be apart from had persuaded universities, nation wide, to reopen applications, applications for couples. Worse, my old offers were now null and void since I’d made the error of replying to an email confirming that yes, I had a soulmate.

Reapplication to university was a much more hands off process, mainly because Ria was so very hands on. She had strong opinions about the accommodation and gym facilities and not being near her parents and thirty over things that were apparently all very relevant. I found myself very content to leave her to it and nod contently when I was asked for input, soulmates it turns out are excellent for avoiding admin related anxiety.

87 days after new valentines day:

Term starts in a week, I will soon be doing a maths degree and at a university that is more prodigious than I would have felt confident applying to… I had been feeling anxious about that, but I had much bigger problems. I’d just gotten to my dorm for the first year and by my dorm I do mean… ‘our dorm’. There are two beds so I won’t be immediately dead to embarrassment or feeling like a creep, but why did no one ask?

Did Ria know she’d be sharing a dorm with me? How would I ever get any work done living with someone so intensely… distracting. That was the word I’d decided to describe Ria with that least made me feel guilty. I could manage to focus when playing video games, provided webcams were off, which was my preference anyway, even before. Her voice could only be so distracting, but actually being in the same room as her? For at least a year? I suppose the least I could do is volunteer to move a bed into our set’s small lounge/kitchen, maybe that would be fine.

It did not let me avoid having to talk about the relationship my soulmate and I had. I knew I was unhappy and that so was she, but I did not want to talk about it with Ria or anyone else for that matter. I just had to get through the rest of my life without having to explain to anyone that yes, I had the most perfect soulmate imaginable and yes, I was utterly unlovable and ruining her life. If anyone asked I could just deflect, probably… I would have to or someone would make me talk about it and even imagining that conversation is more than enough anxiety for one lifetime.

88 days after new valentines day:

Apparently Ria did know… and did tell me… she seems glad I gave up the bedroom though, even if we’re still stuck sharing a wardrobe. She also apparently told me that when she arrived, which I may or may not have missed due to distracting smiles and smelling nice… and umm… lost trains of thought, probably pretty ones.

“Okay hun, here is our itinerary for the week, let me know if there are any other events you want to go to, although call it a hunch, but I’m pretty sure your schedule is empty” She called me hun? Hun works.

“Wha? Did you say itinerary?” I am a master of eloquence.

“Yup, I know you haven’t looked so I made a list! There’s a freshers fair this afternoon and then a club night in the student union bar later. Then, tomorrow we’re going to an LGBTQ meet and greet followed by a spin class and another party, this one is for future lawyers. All I’ve got for the day after that is a debate club meeting so the rest is to be added and will probably be parties, things I like, or stuff you suggest, if you feel so inclined.”

“Umm… what?” Where was cowering inside on this schedule? And naps? “I umm… parties are frightening and I don’t think I’m welcome at the LGBTQ thing and umm… what were the other things?” Somehow she gave me an entire list of things that I would not normally attend without severe prodding.

“You are very welcome at an LGBTQ event, also, I’m going and like everything nowadays: activities are for two, so you have to at least try. Parties though I can’t see us staying too long, we’ll leave once everyone else is making out. The lawyer one might be better or much worse than the general one, we’ll wait and see. I can find out when the mathsoc night out is though and we can try that too!” Things were increasingly not making sense, she was way too cheery! I was certain that arriving at university and seeing all the things I was making her miss out on, she’d hate me, but she just seems excited.

She clearly took my silence as an invitation to continue. “Ooh and spin class is like a group session on an exercise bike, which I figured we could try because if I don’t make you exercise no one will. Also, I think you’ll like it. Debate club I don’t know if you’ll like but apparently it’s good practice for lawyers and, you guessed it, it requires a partner.”

“I uh, okay? If you’re keen, I’ll give it a try!” I might be crap, but I wasn’t going to stop her from doing what she wanted.

89 days after new valentines day:

I was expecting stares. Out and about with a girl so far out of my league it was unimaginable, I expected stares of judgement and envy. It turns out, having unconditional love seemed to have done away with peoples’ jealous looks. That same soulmate inspired love also seemed to instil a very strong ‘soulmates are soulmates’ vibe and somehow, I didn’t receive even one judgy look. No matter, I could be wildly anxious anyway.

“Hi everyone, I’m Joanne, my pronouns are she/her and I’m the current president of the LGBTQ society. We’ll start with introductions and then move onto the ever important snacks, and possibly chatting. I’ll be the first to say it, it’s a good time to be gay, god has said we’re valid and I no longer have to worry about a faulty gaydar.” She took a moment to smile at the cute girl who’s hand she was holding. “Regardless, this is a safe space, respect people, their pronouns and their identity or you will have to leave. Outside of that, everyone is welcome! Ooh and the club velvet has LGBTQ night on Tuesdays so I hope to see you all there next week. So uh… mingle, socialise and make friends!” That was my queue to find a corner to hide in.

I was definitely not having a panic attack, I was calm, this is how people normally breathed. The world has always been this blurry, right? Just Breathe. Breathe.

“Hiya, I’m Samantha I was just speaking to your girlfriend and saw you looking anxious so thought I’d say hi and that I think I might know how you feel, just a hunch. What’s your name?” I don’t think I had a whole sentence in me, let alone an introduction and a conversation. Just focus on breathing. Breathe. I would breathe, I would calm down, I would be somewhere else. Breathe.

“Ooh cute! Brie is a lovely name! Oh, shit, are you okay? No no no, don’t cry, umm... Ria’s coming over, one sec.” I think I might have been hugged at some point. That was fine, we were just going to breathe and not think about things. Oh, I was being hugged again, hmm.