When we reached the cave Garn was frozen in, we were met a strange sight. Big G wasn't frozen. However it seemed like he didn't really have a consciousness. He layed there unmoving like a doll with its strings cut. When I got closer, I noticed a note by his feat,
I know not how this missive will reach you my love, but I know your situation and have provided support. That "death god" is really just a familiar who has taken over in an actual death god's absence. They have been stealing the souls of the dead in our world and intend to do the same to you. I WILL NOT LET THIS STAND. Their imitation of my work has provided me with an easy link to provide assistance. This is all I can do as I've used a lot of my power on making my new vessel. Form a link with this puppet and go forth to put down this piece of shit - Vil'anth
I touch the replica of Garn and send out a spark. Instantly I feel my senses expand. It's like I've grown several more limbs. I can process 8 things at once. I stand the new extension of my body off the ground. I stretch my colossal wings. I feel my senses have gotten just as good as Garn's. Several dragon magic spells rush through my brain and I feel that I can use them, despite not being in the support, neutral, or lightning element. I feel incredible. I look over the others I've taken with me with my nine eyes. They are stunned into silence. My voice comes out of all eight heads at once,
"Well? Hop on, we got a calamity to stop."
----
I'm currently flying over the city of larsville. The home of the seedy underworld of Esu. It already seems like Lavalivarus has taken out most of the population. On one hand that means I don't have to worry about collateral damage, on the other that means they gained a decent level of strength. In game their level would currently be in the low 30s at this stage of the story. However that's not important right now.
What is important is making my presence known to them. If I want a shot of slicing off their arm, I'll need to make them go easy on me. It would be hard to describe Lavalivarus as the merciful sort, but it is possible to be spared . . . for a time at least. Rather than cowering and begging, you must be bold and demanding if you want their mercy. Basically that means putting them in a good mood. While a sneak attack maybe be effective, its not guaranteed to work and failure would upset them. No instead, I must be upfront.
I look at Cornelius. Bernadette often used him as a messenger didn't she? His eyes regain a little life as I move my main body towards him.
"Um Bern? W-why are you looking at me like that?"
"I'm issuing a formal request for a duel with Sky. You'll be the messenger. You still have a few of the effigies I gave you right?"
"I do, but why would I nee-"
I cast my self buffs and pick him up.
"B-bern wait a minu-"
"GO DELIVER THAT MESSAGE CORNY BOY!"
With that I yeet him like a javelin towards the ground where Sky and Lavalivarus are.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"
After he flies for awhile I tell the others,
"Lyra, Cecile, when you get down start looking for survivors. Lyra should be able to find them easily by hearing their thoughts. Cecile call some strong monsters to help move debris around. Also make sure to buff me before you drop down. My mana reserves have already greatly increased with the connection to this dragon body but it can be bigger."
"A-are we gonna have to jump too?"
I look at Cecile in silence for a minute considering my options, before coming to the conclusion that'd it be more funny if they had too.
"... Why did you think I gave you those effigies?"
I snicker as I watch their faces pale then jump down myself.
----------------------------------------------
Lavalivarus PoV
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH"
*CRASH*
I can only gawk as a man in familiar armor drops from the sky only to splat when they hit the ground. The blood slowly starts to coalesce back into the corpse.
"Pft... hahahaHaHaHAHAHAHA"
"Holy shit he had an effigy on him. The mad man jumped from god knows how long expecting to go splat like that! Hahahaha. Why didn't he use wind magic, like a sane person? hahahaha. That's literally the worst way of going about surviving a fall! M-my sides. HAHAHAHA."
[Cornelius?]
Seems my host knows the dude.
[Yeah, an organization member. Basically Bernadette's slave. She's probably not to far from here.]
Bernadette was the one that bullied my host right? Want to take over?
[Gladly]
I pass the reins over to Sky and wait with bated breath. Its always so much fum when they let out their mean side.
She quickly strides towards corn-something with me drawn. By the time he's conscious again, my host already has me at his neck.
"Where's your master, mutt?"
"W-wuhh?!"
My blade sinks just barely enough into his neck for him to bleed.
"SPEAK."
His eyes quickly unclouds and he speaks in a loud and clear voice,
"MY LADY HAS ISSUED A FORMAL CHALLENGE TO ONE LADY SKY! DO YOU ACCEPT OR FACE DISGRACE!"
Oh? A challenge is it? This could be quite interesting.
[And I had that bitch pegged as a coward.]
"Very well, what is this challenge to be then?"
"A-a one on one duel to the death"
Oh my! I can already feel myself heating up. This is a blessing after facing all that tedium! I don't even need a ball! Its coming right to us hahahaha.
My host repositions me so that I can be directly rammed through his skull.
"I accept"
However we're blown back by a large gust of wind.
"OI, hasn't anyone ever told you to not attack the messenger?"
The star of the show herself, Bernadette Autumburn, has descended before us.
Sorry this is long. But you need to read everything and absolutely everything. Do not miss a single word. I promise it's worth it.
Before this arc, the journey with the characters was much more enjoyable. You had moments that were funny(like in this chapter, personally I like the one you just posted) and you took time to build their own self. First, you don't know much about the characters, then, with time and different moments, you learn about them, their background and what they could possibly do in what scenario.
I don't know how to explain the appeal of your story. But I feel like this arc is too different from what was before. I still love Bern, but this arc deviates so much from the main story, it feels like another one entirely.
What I don't like here maybe, is that this arc is not placed correctly in your story. I think this arc should have been written far more later. Why? Before this arc, we just arrived at the village of the Lamia. You could have developed that place more, make more experiences for our cast. It's too short. You also introduced a lot of the organisation too quickly.
What I think you should have done is in continuation of your story: develop the cast, the village. Make a sort of self for them. And then, bit by bit, with other things happening at them same time, introduce the people of the organisation. Not making them full fledge characters, but seeing their surface. Implement them in the cast's adventure and then, when mostly all the people of the organisation are a bit known, make this arc. In this arc then, you make those antagonist full fledge characters. You make the Bern interact with them in more ways than one, make her prepare slowly for any of the endings, and not preparing the right one. Make it Bern doesn't learn about the heroine until the heroine has the sword. So, after all the world building, smart, cool and/or funny interactions with the original antagonists, after finally knowing what she must do clearly, you rush Bern to prepare for the attack and then, ultra epic fight scene.
...
I...love the concept of your story just by reading the synopsis and so what was before this arc. Bern is perfect as a protagonist. She is smart, and her thought process and interactions are exciting. Your were in the world building process of this world at the surface, developing the characters around Bern, and maybe making more supportive characters and developing them a bit. We knew next to nothing about the characters of the organisation, but they would come in time. What we needed, is knowing Bern and her direct surroundings. Then, with a bit of world building again, but a more vast one, we would be introduced by the organisation. I'm repeating myself yes. But this arc was supposed to come much later. You didn't prepare anything for this arc. That's why you didn't know how to make a good transition. Because it wasn't now that it was supposed to come. This arc could be much more enjoyable if it didn't feel like you took this part of the story that was far more later in it.
I just wrote my thoughts as I went. So I don't know if this will be understable. So summary:
This arc isn't supposed to come now, but much later. That's why you didn't know how to make a good transition and why it's not enjoyable. You took time to introduce people and making their own self. But here, you rushed everything. You didn't develop Bern's direct surroundings and you didn't slowly but surely introduce the surface level of the organisation. And so we are left with a ton of info and the arc is not enjoyable.
I hope I helped you understand what happened and what you did wrong here. I'm sorry if I hurt your self esteems. It wasn't my intention. I love your story, I really do. It just wasn't done correctly here. I hope to have a bit of a discussion with you here.
"Bern is perfect as a protagonist. She is smart, and her thought process and interactions are exciting"
I think that Sam as a character has kinda forced a rushed introduction of the organization's elite, or at least one where they get a short amount of screen time. She has effectively completely shaken off the organization at this point in the story. The only lead the organization has to go off is Cornelius's ramblings before going "rogue". Its not very concrete. This means I really only have two options for introducing the organization's elites (that I can come up with at least) which is to leave it for the academy arc, which is when they're effectively dealt with, meaning they'll probably get minimal screen time. The other option is to make side chapters for them. The second option is somewhat appealing. I quickly came up with a concept for some Alford chapters that would show what he's been up to while Sam's in hiding. The problem is that I feel that I'd run not only into the problems this arc ran into, but also similar problems as the ayaka chapters in a story who's title I'll shorten to [Failure Frame]. If you haven't read it, the ayaka chapters are almost universally hated among readers because Ayaka, is a goody-two-shoes and an idiot who has trouble dealing with the obviously manipulative big bad in a story that has a pretty clever protagonist. Surely you can see the parallels?
Really at the end of the day I feel like I've written myself into a corner regarding the organization's elite. Initially I didn't mention them because I was just gonna figure their details out later resulting in me shooting myself in the foot now.
I also feel that the fact I'm trying to end this arc has lead to the rushed feel of it. For example, I ended up cutting a scene in the blind rage chapter where Sam and Lyra would look for the effigy artisan together because Sam didn't know what he looked like because they had a generic sprite in-game. I felt it didn't fit the tone so I cut it there and didn't put it in another chapter because I didn't want to slow the arc down.
Also regarding how short the village arc is, I litterally just ran out of ideas. I got a few ideas while writing this arc but like, only enough for maybe two chapters.
@Afewconcepts65 "I Became the Strongest With The Failure Frame【Abnormal State Skill】As I Devastated everything" is the stories full name by the way. Its pretty good
@Afewconcepts65 it’s really hard for me to refute anything here. Ouf.
But, I still love your story from the beginning to when this arc started.
I will keep it short about why I stuck with your story so far.
Normally, for Manga/Novels of such sort with a similar title, they betray what they try to sell you. For instance, your title is: "The Young Lady Has Run Away", now in those "normal" stories, either she does run away or she fails, but at the end she is stuck dealing with the characters she found annoying. Also falls in love with said character(s).
Like why the heck would I read the story if the character doesn't succeed in what they want?
Thats where your story shines, i.e. your MC does what she wants and keeps to it even if she fails.
Furthermore (a big PLUS), the story is actually Girls Love, and not bait. Thats important for the stories I read.
Finally, the MC doesn't give damn about what happens in the "novel"/"story". Those mainstream otome troupe becomes annoying too fast, where the MC is always stressing about "ohh no, this will happen that will happen because I read the book and what have you". Your story is quite the opposite in a very good way, i.e. the MC is kinda experimenting with the storyline, and most of the times use it for her own benefit and not give a damn about the consequences.
So there you have it.
Thanks for the story!
Just so I can get a more complete understanding of your viewpoint how do you feel about the arc this chapter is in?
When I was writing this arc I really wanted to lean in to the fact that my story was very different compared to the vast majority of otome iseaki stories and make something you wouldn't see somewhere else. I think I succeeded in making the arc unique, but the real question though was that to the story's detriment?
The main appeal for me is your characters, you did a great job building up the characters and showing all their amusing quirks. Love the development of everyone and miss them with this arc.
Really?! I've had two people mention the characters now, albeit the first mentioned they had potential, which I can agree with. Personally I think so far I've done a terrible job with the characters. Practically zero developments and zero chance to shine. Personally I'm especially dissatisfied with Mi'ara. They only really did something in the Cornelius fight and even then it was pretty much only a distraction. I had a concept of how their character could be, but feel I haven't really executed on it. They certainly have quirks, but I feel they're Practically just the one quirk each have with a few exceptions.
In regards to characters I feel that I've done a better job with the new characters in this arc. I feel I have a more solidified idea of how they are like, monkey in first round being the exception
@Afewconcepts65 I really like Mi'ara and look forward to her interactions with the MC, especially her misconceptions with human romance
Need an editor mate?
Well. Honestly I hope this entire arc gets cut. It feels like an unconnected tangent introduced by a socially inept out-of-touch stranger when you were in the middle of an enjoyable discussion over food in a restaurant on a topic you enjoyed.
I can't even say I've been fully reading the past couple chapters as I've found myself completely detached and apathetic to what's going on. I know this is supposed to be a somewhat important arc (maybe?)- but if it wasn't for author notes I wouldn't have even considered this a part of the story.
haaa... apologies. That is coming off harsh. But... well. Sorry. Anyway. Thanks for the chapters.
I'm ooking forward to how the world would be changed by Sam's actions and how the other characters (snake tribe as a whole included) would grow and develop in power, thought, culturally, and in technology.
Apathy, huh? While this comment doesn't really get into the details of why the arc elicits such a reaction, knowing that the feeling is there is also important feedback.
Do you perhaps think that its a pacing issue? I.e. I'm not taking enough time to develop the new characters? What do you think made you want to see the village and old characters develop more than the organization's members? Is it the fact they're villans or is it the fact that the world is fake. Does that second fact stick in your head and colors how you see the arc? Are their quirks perhaps not as interesting as the old character's?
Maybe the problem is a taste in genre? Do you perhaps prefer more slice of life stories over more action oriented ones? Did this arc's more serious scenes drag down the rest of it?
Sorry for all the questions, I just really want to get into the nitty-gritty of why this arc flopped so bad so I can avoid future mistakes
@Afewconcepts65 pacing is not quite the right word for it- but it is close. Derailed is more apt. The start of the arc was a near complete disconnect from what was going from all the chapters prior, and hasn't really gotten any closer since. Like, sure- the characters names are the same or similar and the happenings were talked about in the story before this- but it feels like a side story / alternative series at best.
The focus / goal of our mc suddenly being wildly different doesn't help much either- she goes from figuring out how to change the world and people around her to suit her needs and wants (somewhat poorly worded), to struggling to escape a set of eldritch entities (or entity? are the demon things just aspects of death?) in a blink. Genre change isn't really the right word for it, but it's close.
@AzureFeather So the big problem, as others have also said, is the disconnect? Initially going into this arc, I thought the disconnect would be excusable and even add to the arc by putting the reader into Sam's shoes, but it seems to have backfired tremendously.
One last question, if I were to make the complete arc a straight up spin off, do you think you could enjoy it. I'm currently think of doing that and maybe sprinkling in some arg elements (although I'm still thinking through the how on that arg bit)
@Afewconcepts65 definitely be far better as a standalone spin off. As for personal enjoyment? Maybe. I'm far more into crafting, creation, and shaping related stories (though they tend to overlap with survival) so it's a maybe. Sprinkle in some well thought flesh shaping and I'll at least take a peak from curiosity alone.
As for arg... well I've never participated in one so gl. :P