I walked into the kitchen, a five dollar bill in hand. Mom was making lunch and humming a hymn from church. 

“Hey, Mom, here’s the rest of the money for the CD you got me.” I’d never had an allowance, but I was able to scrounge up some money here and there. I had practically begged her for the latest album of my favorite band and promised to pay her back.

She continued to focus on the pot on the stove. Oh boy, more spaghetti. “It’s okay, sweetie, don’t worry about it.” 

I was confused. She was not the type to let things go. “But I said I’d pay you back. I don’t want to owe you for it.” 

I had heard both my parents talk about debt; the collectors called pretty frequently. It was something I didn't want to fall into, even as a pre-teen.

She stopped stirring and looked at me, “Well I don’t want you to think that you don’t owe me anything. I’m your mother.” 

“But--what?” What was she talking about? I just wanted to give her money for the CD.

“I feed you, I clothe you, I put a roof over your head. You never don’t owe me anything. I’m your mother and I do more for you than you realize.” She turned her attention back to the pot. 

The conversation ended, just like that. I went back to my room feeling strange. I didn’t understand why she was so adamant about that. Maybe I was being a burden on her? If I was so much to deal with, why did she even have a kid? Unless I wasn't a good kid. I could try and find ways to pay her back for everything. But would it be enough? Would I be enough?

My eyes opened, already watering. Fuck, I was hoping I’d have at least one night of peace. I wiped the tears away, what a way to start the morning. How much of the previous night had been a dream? Oh…right. The night before. I flung myself up in bed and began to scan my surroundings. Yup, I was in Lana’s room. I looked down realizing I had fallen asleep in my dress. Everything had actually happened. I ran through the entire night in my head. The clothes, the makeup, the club, the kiss, and…everything after. Goosebumps ran up my body. I fell back onto the pillow, looking over and realizing Lana wasn't in bed with me. 

I ran my hands over my face. Everything about the previous night had been so amazing. But, what did it all mean? I had so much fun being Kenzie, and everything me and Lana did together, I really, really enjoyed. But what did that make us? Were we still just friends or…something more? What did it all mean going forward? I was going to have to talk to her to find out. I really wanted to get more sleep, but I’d rather not revisit the past again. 

For the first time in a long time, I actually sat up and got out of bed, instead of just rolling onto the floor. I needed to get some clothes and coffee before I could have any real conversation anyways. Not to mention the fact that my chest was tighter than a pickup truck trying to park in a compact spot. I slowly made my way to my room. I heard Lana brushing her teeth and humming a song in the bathroom as I tiptoed my way past. 

I successfully entered my room and closed the door. I just needed a little bit of time to clear my head. Everything had happened so fast. I’d never let go like that before. It was weird. I always had my guard up, the barriers I’d spent years cultivating, all crumbled in the span of a single night. Maybe…maybe I could let them down again. After all, it was a lot of fun being Kenzie. Maybe I could…

Have you ever felt happiness before? True, pure, unencumbered bliss. The highest point of your entire life. Finally started to enjoy yourself, maybe, kind of like yourself. To see the light shine over the horizon. Like somehow, some way, everything would be alright. And then, in an instant, had it all ripped out of your hands? To feel the cold, bitter, harsh winter of reality set in? I made the mistake, the stupid fucking mistake of breaking my rule. I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. 

My makeup had rubbed off, my wig was gone, the shadow and stubble running rampant across my face. My shoulders, my hands, my face, my…everything, screamed at me. Screaming what I always feared I would see, staring back at me. I saw him. A guy in a dress. I sank, frantically flailing at the abyss I was drowning in. Gasping for air, trying my hardest to cling to what I’d seen the night before. It was useless. She was nowhere to be seen, she was a ghost. Nothing but an echo left to fade out of existence. Something inside of me snapped like the audience at a slam poetry reading. I couldn't breathe.

I desperately clawed at my clothing, tearing my socks off; the dress came close to ripping as I unzipped it with as much force as I could muster, then flung it across my room. My nails marked my sides as I ripped my bralette from my chest. The choker…I somehow managed to remove without damaging it. 

My reflection mocked me. The tears ran down his face in disgust at what he saw. What I saw. My entire being was stiff, tense to the point where normal people would be worried about popping a blood vessel. I wanted to vomit. My stomach was past the point of reason. I no longer felt my chest. I needed to escape. I needed to get out of my body, I needed to get out of my everything. I needed to get out. So I did what I did best. I ran.

There’s something interesting that happens when you lose time. It’s not a blackout, you see everything that’s happening, but you’re not in control. It’s like muscle memory. You move, you do things, you get dressed, open a door, make a turn, go down the more familiar road. But you’re not actively making the decisions. If you try to recall how you got to a place, you’d have trouble doing so. Not because you were unconscious. But because you had no hand in actively making the choices that led you there. That is, until something snaps you out of it. You reach your destination, you hear a noise, or in my case, you realize how winded you are from sprinting for an unknown amount of time. 

I came to a sudden halt. Finally aware of myself and in control of my body once more. I gasped for air only to realize how frigid it was. The temperature had dropped significantly overnight. Though, the last thing I cared about was the weather, or how my legs ached for rest, much less the way my lungs screamed at me to calm my breathing. I needed to keep going. Where to? Fuck if I knew. But I needed to go there. I needed to get away from her, from him, from me. I continued down the side road I had found myself on, the area was familiar, but I was in no state to actively think about what it was called. Every nerve in my body told me to stop. But I pushed on. Until I found myself in an oh so familiar spot, where I had collapsed years before. 

The park was beautiful. Green grass, shade-bearing trees, a pond full of ducks that would freeze over the winter, small playground equipment next to a covered lunch area, and a lost soul, screaming into the sky, hoping they might find peace.

The screams devolved into laughter. What else could I even do besides laugh at the sheer absurdity of it all? My legs, my chest, my lungs, my heart, my mind, my everything hurt. What was wrong with me? Why did I let myself believe that I could be happy? What had I ever done except be a burden on others? To be a burden on…

“Kenzie?!” Lana’s voice rang out from behind me. 

Fuck, how did she even find me? How could I even explain what was happening? I didn’t even know what was happening. 

“Kenz, what’s going on? I heard the front door close and when I saw your room I got worried.” Her voice was shaking. I could blame it on the cold, but I could always tell when she had been crying. 

I ignored the pain in my legs and stood up. I couldn't bring myself to face Lana. “I’m not her,” I said flatly. 

“What do you mean?” 

“I--I can’t be her. She’s the one you like. She can at least come close to deserving you.” My gut wrenched and churned.

There was a pause, “Kenzie, sweetie. What are you talking about?”

I turned around to face her, still unable to look her in the eyes. “I’m not Kenzie!” I screamed. “I saw myself this morning. I saw everything. Not just this!” I gestured at my body. “I saw it all. I’ve never liked what looks back at me. I could avoid it before. Before I saw what I saw last night. I could just cover myself up. Never have to look at my face, my hair, my entire body. I had nothing to compare it to. But I saw something last night, something I thought was only in my dreams. Then, this morning I--last night was a mistake.”

She inhaled sharply. “You don’t mean that.”

“Lana, I’ve only ever been a burden on you. I’ve only ever been a burden to everyone. I keep trying, trying to hold onto the fact that maybe there’s something I can actually do right. But what do I do? I draw shitty avatars and make you pay most of the bills. What kind of friendship is that? You deserve someone else. Someone better. You deserve the happiness you talked about in the café.”

“I don’t want anyone else, Kenzie.” Her voice was a whisper. She was fighting back tears. 

“I’m not Kenzie! She’s fun, she’s cute, she’s actually worth something! I could never be her.” 

“Fine then! JOEY!” If words could reach and rip your still beating heart out of your chest, then Lana had found a way to do it. 

I flinched at the way she spat my name out. My eyes finally met hers. The tears were flowing freely now. 

“Yeah! It doesn't feel good, does it? The things you're describing. The hatred of your body, how you look, how you feel. That’s literally dysphoria. After the high of last night, finally letting your guard down and being yourself, your real self, it hits harder than anything else ever could to think you might have to go back. I was hoping last night would help you realize, but--maybe I was too hopeful. Babe, you have a lot of shit that your parents weighed you down with. But you’re a girl. You’re trans like me. It’s okay to let go and just be you. The you I’ve caught glimpses of over the years. She’s the sweetest, prettiest girl I’ve ever fucking met…”

“I’m not like you, though!” I interrupted her. “You’re so fucking beautiful, and confident, and so sure of yourself.” 

Lana started laughing. Not a funny “haha” but the nervous laughter you can’t help but blurt out. “I’m fucking terrified! I’ve only been out to myself for a month. I wouldn't have been able to do any of this without you.”

What? Without me? I had no clue what she was talking about.

“You want to know what you do for me? You’re the most fucking caring person I’ve ever met. After everything you’ve been through, you came out of it all the way you are. You’re the one who makes me food because you can tell I’m upset. You’re the one I fall asleep on watching a sappy fucking movie. You’re the one who accepted me without a second thought when I came out. You’re the one who was there for me when we went clothes shopping. I was ready to run away from that club last night. I was frozen, but you were there, you held me, and gave me the courage to go inside. You do so much more than you realize. Kenzie, I love you! I’ve always loved you. Ever since we became friends. I don’t ever want to imagine a future without you in it. Kenzie, Joey, whoever you decide to be. I just want you.”

Flurries of snow started to fall. Lana was shivering, the cold and everything she had let out was taking its toll. 

“Lana, I…” Everything inside my soul was welling up. Had I really done so much? I always felt like I came up short, never giving myself the room or space for mistakes like I gave everyone else. I just wanted to be happy. I think, the night before, I had been. I was always happiest when I was with Lana. But being Kenzie with Lana was…something else entirely. Maybe she was right. I had a lot to think about, a lot to figure out. Her calling me by the other name, it struck me in a way I had never felt before. I wanted to feel what I felt at the club. What I felt when I was alone with Lana in her room. I wanted to feel something other than impending dread. I wanted to feel.

“Lana. I think--I want to be Kenzie. But--I’m scared.” I choked on the words. I had never actually asked for help before. 

She wrapped her arms around me. “I’m here, Kenz. I promise. We’ll figure this out, and I'll be here every step of the way.” 

I returned her embrace; our lips met once again. I didn’t know what was going to happen next, but I knew I wasn’t alone. I had Lana, and she had me. 

We stood there, alone together, our bodies intertwined. It may have been minutes, it may have been hours. Time didn’t matter. What did matter however, was the snow continuing to fall and how cold we were getting. Lana led me to her car and we drove home in silence. I had a hell of a lot to think about. 

Once we got home, Lana crawled into bed with me and we cuddled to warm back up. I let out another round of crying as she held me close. Lana was warm and safe.

“What do I do now?” I asked, still sniffling a bit.

Lana placed her hand on my cheek. “What do you want to do?”

That was a question I hadn't thought about in a long time. I enjoyed making art. It was one of the things I actually liked. I just hated dealing with endless commissions and people who didn't understand the amount of work that went into it. Maybe I could draw for myself instead. I had lots of ideas when I was a kid. Nothing like utilizing my escapism as a creative influence. That was a start at least. It was something. I think that with some help, I could figure the rest out along the way. As Kenzie. 

***

Walking and running always cleared my head. There was something about being alone, focusing on the destination, the wind against your face, it was soothing. Though, trudging through snow made that a little difficult. I could have had Lana drive me, but it was nice to have some alone time and decompress after my appointments. 

I made my way up the steps and inside our apartment. 

“Hey, babe!” Lana called out from the kitchen. “How was therapy?”  

“It was okay,” I said, kicking off my boots and taking my coat off. I made my way into the kitchen where Lana was stirring something inside of a pot. “It was, you know--therapy. Unlocked a hidden memory, cried, then talked about how everything else is going. Which reminds me. I totally forgot to take my meds this morning.” 

I walked over to the counter where we had a small tray with all our meds on it so we wouldn't forget. We had both started seeing a doctor and got on HRT. It’d been an interesting time. It wasn't the simplest process, but we had done a lot of research on informed consent clinics and had at least a bit of an easier time getting setup.

“Baaaaaabe!” Lana said in a disapproving tone. As she herself reached for her meds on the tray. 

I shot her a knowing smirk.

“Don’t even start. I know that look.” She giggled as she took a swig of water to wash her pills down.

“I didn’t say a single thing,” I said in an extremely smug voice.

We both started to giggle. She leaned in close to me, and ran her hand through my hair, brushing it out of my eyes, then gave me a long, passionate kiss. 

“I love you, Lana,” I whispered.

“I love you too, Kenzie.” She pulled me in for another kiss.

“Oh shit, the soup!” She pulled away and went back to the pot on the stove. 

“Soup, huh? Daring today, aren't we?” I ran my hand over her hips and gave her a small peck on the cheek before sitting down at the table and opening up my tablet. 

“Ha ha, very funny. I haven't burned anything the last…” She paused. “Three times I’ve cooked. So nyeh!” Lana stuck her tongue out at me. “Oh, speaking of things on fire. Your comic is getting a lot of traction. People are really liking it, Kenz.”

My heart skipped. I had gotten into the habit of making art for myself instead of doing constant commissions every day. It was a lot of fun to do the things I wanted to and enjoyed. Plus who knew there were lots of other traumatized trans girls on the Internet, starved for representation?

Not to mention that after Lana came out at work, three other programmers came out as trans too. Turns out, Chad had been making lots of people uncomfortable. He was let go shortly after the investigation had been launched. 

Lana sat a bowl of soup in front of me, or what I think was soup. It was a weird color and had lumps floating in it. I smiled; she was trying her best. She sat across from me as I scrolled through the comments on my webcomic. People were really enjoying it.

Lana ate a spoonful and quickly spat it back in the bowl. 

“That bad, huh?” I said giggling. 

“Why don’t I order pizza tonight?” she said while collecting my bowl as well as her own and taking them back to the counter. 

That’s when a brilliant thought occurred to me. 

“I’ve got an idea. Why don't we make a bet? Loser has to pay for pizza. As a girl!” I giggled as Lana rolled her eyes.

“You’re already a girl, you nerd. But fine, what’s the bet?”

I got up and wrapped my arms around her. “Whoever moans first loses.”

She looked at me quizzically. “Wha-aaaaaa….” 

I gave her a smug grin as I let my hands wander in all sorts of places over her body. 

My life was going in a great direction. I had my art, I was a girl, I was going to much needed therapy, and I had my best friend, Lana. We were friends, we were girlfriends, and we were roommates.  

RavenKane

Hi everyone. This chapter was rough and hard to write. But I hope it resonates with you all and you enjoyed it. Thank you to everyone for reading and supporting me. Thank you to my Patrons, and everyone who provided feedback. This makes the longest story I've written so far and I'm so glad to have this as an installment in the Poggerverse. I have two more series planned for this universe as well as a short story. I love these characters so much and I can't wait to bring you more. Thank you!