Chapter 8 – That Which Fits.

Fraser and clothes shopping did not have a good relationship. Or relationships, perhaps? It was on one of two extremes, one always laden with guilt and shame, and the other, well, not toxic really, but perhaps bordering close? It wasn’t intense hatred or anything, but perhaps that mixed with apathy? A lack of caring, and an intense dread at what he’d have to look at and subject himself to. He’d discovered that when he’d had the first opportunity to actually buy something for himself that wasn’t chosen by his parents or purchased by one of the family’s servants. He’d been so keen at the time, filled with energy as any young child would be. Then reality had come along and shattered any expectations that he may have had, the illusion of choice gone. No, he couldn’t go into that section. No, he couldn’t buy something like that. No, that was entirely inappropriate for a young man to wear. No, they’d lose their job and perhaps more if they let him have something like that. The choice... wasn’t there at all.

That wasn’t to say that he hadn’t managed to buy what he’d wanted to at times. He had. But, the results hadn’t ever been pretty. Sure, it had been good at the time, the feelings like nothing else, the smile on Uriah’s face at seeing his joy totally worth it. But then, as they always did, his parents had found out. It was inevitable, given that they had servants, who had probably been instructed to check for things like that. The repercussions were never pleasant, and eventually he had stopped, the desire beaten out of him. Well, mostly.

He had gained a lot more freedom when he’d moved out, and even indulged in it a bit more. But, many of the restraints were still there. From what had been ingrained into him, and the fact that they were still living within the Guardians’ complex. Anything that wasn’t what his parents would accept could never be worn outside his home, or even close to the windows. Drones were a thing, even if the Guardian’s didn’t allow them near the complex. So he didn’t, and that which perhaps he tried indulging in, inside of the home, invariably got purged at some point, from perceived guilt, shame, or even the fear that somehow they’d find out. It was kind of weird in that way, that he didn’t have the same issues with the books that he collected and read. Perhaps because he knew that they would never find out, and it was something that he only indulged in inside his home anyway, when lounging on the sofa with Uriah.

The t-shirt that he slept in, he’d had that for years though. One of the few things that hadn’t been subjected to that cycle. He really liked it, and, even if he didn’t want to admit it, it helped. In many ways. And it had managed to survive the scars as well.

Fraser stood at the entrance of the men’s clothing store that he usually went to, dread having frozen his movement. He couldn’t take another step, to cross that threshold like he had done so many times before. It wasn’t like he’d hadn’t been in here many times in the last decade, since he was old enough to be classed as an adult and had largely stopped growing. First with the servants, and then with Uriah. The process was always the same. Familiar. Mechanical. Walk in, grab the first thing that he saw that was approximately what he was after and that was his size, pay for it and leave. Long sleeved t-shirts or shirts, dress pants, occasionally jeans, hoodies, tops. Style, colour, and overall fit mattered little to him. He disliked them all, but they were a necessity. They covered him, as was socially required, and now days, covered all the evidence as well. Hoodies were especially good for hiding uniforms, the latter meaning that he didn’t have to worry about what he was wearing at all. Clothes that fit the job, even if he did dislike them too.

Not a good relationship at all.

Uriah even bought stuff from here on occasion, though he usually bought from cheaper stores. And while Fraser always looked, well, bad, in whatever he wore, Uriah always looked good. He wore it well, with confidence.

“Want to try something different for a change?” Uriah asked as he gently pulled Fraser away from the entrance as a well-dressed man made his way past them and into the store, giving him a weird look as he did so. “It’s not like your parents will have the opportunity to veto it in time, and it might deter Julia a bit?”

Fraser nodded as he quietly followed Uriah’s lead. That sounded nice, actually. He did want that. Exactly what, he had no idea, nor whatever it was that Uriah had in mind, but at least it wouldn’t be what he had been going to get. He wasn’t even sure why he’d considered that shop in the first place. Force of habit. Familiarity. Another of the chains that his parents still had wrapped around him.

He shook his head at the first shop that Uriah stopped at, finally letting go of his hand. “No. They’ll know.” There was a certain appeal to it, along the same tier as the usual store, but there was no way his parents would miss the transaction. Bookstores were easy; they sold everything. But a specific clothing boutique, yeah.

Uriah just nodded, and started walking again, Fraser following behind. A grown man having issues in a shopping mall. He hated that. So much for ever having been part of the elite. So much for ever being him.

‘Him’ didn’t exist. It was just the mask that he wore. A mask that he couldn’t remove. The stranger that stared back at him in a thousand reflections. Taunting him.

“Fraser!”

Uriah’s voice snapped him back, his magic receding a little from near raging again. It had never been this volatile, this sensitive, before. Even when he’d made more of a mess. Why now?

Because everything was being threatened. The noose around his neck that was his parents had been tightened.

“Fraser!”

“Sorry,” Fraser muttered as he looked at where they were now. It was a tier or two below what he usually brought, below what his parents expected that he wear, but still, well, better than average. Not one that Uriah had ever brought from either, but it looked nice. It catered to both genders, mannequins standing proudly in the front windows, showcasing some rather tidy clothes. They... didn’t look too bad either. Maybe? Perhaps. He could feel his gaze being drawn to one of them. It had appeal, but... on him?

Standing in front of the clothes, laid out on the tables and hanging from the rods on the wall, he could feel the dread returning. Yes, they were nice. But not him. Whatever that was. Not what he wanted. It would be just the same as buying from where he usually shopped. He tried reaching out to the clothes, but he couldn’t. Sighing, he turned around to face Uriah.

“Honestly, I don’t know why you even went to this side in the first place,” Uriah stated, his eyebrows slightly raised. “I saw what you were looking at, and associations be damned, I think you’d look good in it. Just give it a try, huh. We can worry about footwear after.”

Fraser gave him a smile back. He needed that. He really had.

Walking over to the other side of the store, he quickly found what he wanted, and in the right sizes too. He’d done it enough times that he knew which ones he was, even after he’d stopped being a spellsword. That they were display lines made it easier, everything in prominent locations. If anyone was watching, right now he didn’t care, and if he paused, he might change his mind. The store was fairly quiet anyways. Taking the garments, he stepped into the closest changing room, stripped down, and put the new ones on. The fit wasn’t perfect, due to obvious reasons, but it wasn’t actually too bad. And then, when he dared to glance in the mirror, he had to admit, it didn’t look too bad. Nice even. The stranger staring back just a little less foreign. Someone who he had seen before, who perhaps even wore a little bit of a smile. Steeling himself, he turned and opened the door to show Uriah.

“Okay, wow. Yeah, that looks really good on you!” Uriah’s smile was radiant, reassuring, his beautiful eyes looking him over. It’s not like he was wearing anything too out of the ordinary, but that look, those words. It meant a lot to him. Fraser beamed back at his best friend, basked in it for a moment, and then retreated back into the changing room, taking the clothes back off and putting his other ones back on. And instantly felt worse. Back to being covered in something that he hated, the feeling made even more clear by those few moments.

There was no way that he wasn’t going to buy these, his parents and the world be damned. A simple long-sleeved t-shirt. A pair of skin tight blue stretch jeans. And a tidy and slim black leather jacket. All women’s style and cut. Grabbing a second each of the jeans and t-shirt, he took them all to the counter, waited impatiently as the cashier processed them through, paid for them, and then left the store, feeling a little better about, well, everything. Apprehensive too, but still, also better. He hadn’t felt like this about shopping in a while. Sure, that second half of it all would come haunt him later, it always did, but right now, he was going to ignore that.

“Thanks,” he said to Uriah, once they were back in the mall again, the smile on his face, and excitement likely reflecting in his eyes.

Uriah gave him a smile back. Was he even blushing a little? “You know what footwear you want to go with it?” Uriah asked with a little cough.

Fraser nodded back. He’d bought them a few times. And then purged them. But he knew that he liked them, and they’d be a perfect fit with these clothes. The ones that he’d bought that was, not the ones that he was wearing.

“Will you be fine buying them? I, ah, need to quickly purchase something.”

Fraser cocked his head in confusion. Was Uriah being bashful? It was rare that Uriah was like that. He was always a bundle of confidence. Fraser nodded anyways. “Should be.”

A few deep breaths to boost his confidence before he walked into the store, and then he was onto it. It didn’t take him long to find and purchase the shoes, a pair of black, lace-up, heeled ankle boots, and no one seemed to pay any attention to him at all. He had the excuse ready, that he was buying for a friend, but he had no need of it. The cashier just scanned it, he paid for it, and then he was out of the shop again, looking around to see if he could work out where Uriah had gone. Uriah was already standing there waiting for him, no sign of any purchases on him. Whatever he’d gotten, it must be small, and he’d been quick. Fraser was curious, but he wasn’t going to pry. Besides, he was rather eager to leave, and go see Felicia. No, not to show off to her at all. Of course not.

Why was he being so giddy over just a set of clothes?

Because he always was, in situations like these. Like something had been released, albeit for just a short moment, before reality came crashing back in and sealed it all away again with an unhealthy dose of pain.

But for now, for this moment, and perhaps for a bit longer, given what he’d purchased them for, he was going to enjoy it. The world, his parents, and all the demons, be damned.

mogust

Fraser has a new outfit ^^ (It may even be the one on the original cover ^^ - current cover is the alternative one; both can be found on the discord server)

The next chapter (9 - Out in the Light) should be up within a week, depending on how the writing goes. 

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Anyways, thanks for reading. Comments etc are welcome. There is also a discord Server if you'd just like to chat: https://discord.gg/Y2gaPFB6X6 (as well as a bunch of other stuff; we're nice people). It also has a channel with larger versions of all of the covers, since SH and RR only store tiny versions.

Don't forget to check out my other stories if you like my writing. ^^ 

I'd like to thank all of those who have helped out with proofing this story and providing feedback, in particular Trismegistus Shandy,  Mackenzie and Flitterpuff. Their help has been invaluable. Please check out their stories.