Nathaniel awoke in an unknown room and body. Not only that, but a system instructed him to steal everything from the protagonist. But he didn't care; the important thing was... Is his sister also a transmigrated? And now they have to work together to conquer heroines while avoiding death as villains?!

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the cover is not mine, if the creator wants me to delete it I will do it.
(Update schedule 1 or 2 chapters per week)

DISCLAIMER
Work of fiction. All names, places and events are purely fictitious. Any resemblance to a real person or event is purely coincidental.

Genre

ActionComedyEcchiFantasyHaremMatureRomanceSchool LifeSmut

Tags

Academy Adventurers Brother Complex Demi-Humans Dragons Elves First-time Intercourse Game Ranking System Handsome Male Lead Incest Manipulative Characters Multiple POV Multiple Transported Individuals Obsessive Love Past Trauma Polygamy R-18 Sister Complex Sword And Magic Tragic Past Transmigration Transported into a Game World Yandere Younger Sisters

Table of Contents 37

Show

Chapter 36: A simple plan, but nothing is ever that simple.Feb 4, 2023
Chapter 35: MeanwhileDec 28, 2022
Chapter 34: Almost outsideDec 8, 2022
Chapter 33: Not everything is the fault of the human instinct of conservation.Nov 13, 2022
Chapter 32: A pet?Oct 21, 2022
Chapter 31: Not entirely a defeatOct 3, 2022
Chapter 30: Not everything is as simple as it seemsJul 27, 2022
Chapter 29: A perfect dream or an uncertain reality?Jul 13, 2022
Chapter 28: Guilt and dreamingJul 5, 2022
Chapter 27: DarknessJun 29, 2022
Chapter 26: Consequences — part 2Jun 23, 2022
Chapter 26: Consequences — part 1Jun 22, 2022
Chapter 25: Are you fighting for someone?Jun 16, 2022
Chapter 24: First killJun 8, 2022
Chapter 23: Something went wrongJun 5, 2022

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Ouroboros

Status: ctrust?

Apr 6, 2022

Tldr. It's got good enough bones for a smut story, you can read and enjoy if you're able to maintain your verisimilitude, but the writing quality itself could use some significant TLC. So a pending neutral rating from me.

To begin with, a story like this always has the same problem. You've devoted far too much time to the prologue. It's a common first-time mistake in writing, but it has far-reaching consequences for writing habits and pacing. There's no rising action for instance? If nothing changes, your pacing will remain too slow until it is too late to fix for the current volume without a rewrite. It will eventually feel like slice of life. That or just turn people off.

These are little kids and you've focused too much on them when you seem to have little experience with children from the way they are portrayed. For those like you they won't notice, but anyone else can catch that right away subconsciously. It will eat at most I think.

If you don't see the problem? Write down the major events that occurred in the first ten chapters in a simple manner. Transmigration, meeting the staff plus one heroine, and briefly meeting the mother plus another heroine. That's all.

Seventeen thousand words for that, with a very rough average chapter length of 1700 words. Many of those early chapters were a five minute read at best and the others padded out the count. You can condense all of that to one to three high-quality 2500-5000k-word chapters in the future, just trimming the fat, but for now, it's probably fine as long as you're aware of this flaw and perhaps do some light edits for these.

The second issue is the prose, tone, syntax, and chapter storyboarding. Style or rather prose? In this case, it appears that you're attempting to combine some eastern anime tropes for comedy or otherwise with a western style, but the western foundation requires significant improvement and your eastern flair could use some work on the implementation.

I'm not sure what your educational background is in composition, but in general, you should rely on MLA and just aim to make it readable. That's the fundamentals for a first draft. You add the bells and whistles like foreshadowing and world building later in subsequent drafts. Usually we don't read drafts, but this being SH it's fine. I'm not going to get into the meta here; I'm just bringing it up because that's the real problem. You can visit my profile for some links to resources that might aid you in the future.

Things like using quotes and parenthesis to indicate thoughts or telepathy? Instead, most writers simply use italicized text and indicators to clearly show who is speaking. You mixed up people's genders several times. Your tenses need to be reviewed, and your plural for some words was simply incorrect or strange to read. Some word salad got into sentences where proofreading can fix that. The length of a novel chapter varies depending on the type of novel you're writing, but they typically average around 2.5k words per chapter and around 100k words per volume. That's usually just one arc.

The length of a Japanese light novel varies, but fifty thousand words can be expected for the entire light novel. In addition, each paragraph in either should be no more than five to ten sentences long. That's MLA. Your story appears to be lacking in rising action. To address broad stroke issues, you must outline to save time and prevent errors.

I'm not sure if you're working from an outline or just making it up as you go from chapter to chapter trying to foolishly keep it all together in your head without any planning at all. However, you could work on your outline more to iron out some of those issues that may arise later in any of those things.

Pegasi vs Pegasus. That kinda thing. A boy giggling. You also lose your sense of scenes as you go. On later drafts you can add things that engage the senses reminding readers of the visuals. It's typical for it to be this flat for a first draft.

Here's some examples of your prose that broke me out of the narrative;

Spoiler

"And so far you tell us?" I asked irritably.

[None asked]

The food was so coarse that you could mistake this breakfast for a buffet.

[collapse]

You have these small children, one of whom hasn't even reached puberty, but you seem to ignore biology in favor of the genre and where they were age wise when they transferred. There is a big difference between having s*xual thoughts driven by hormones and not having them but thinking you should. Even with fantasy, an adult woman receiving s*xual pleasure from a ten-year-old boy is a tough sell and definitely a no for Amazon or Royalroad.

I'm not going to lie to you. Your smut is a very uncomfortable read for where you have it. I believe a time-lapse or age change would have greatly aided this situation. I'm not sure why you thought that was acceptable. Highly recommend editing that. If you intend to keep them that age I can only be baffled. 😆 No thanks.A minor suggestion, but add numbers to your chapters. Even as words. You may confuse yourself later if you don't. 😉 Overall this review is mostly just meta stuff for the writer. Hope this helps.

37 Likes · Like

Broticus

Status: chapter 27: darkness

Aug 4, 2022

It was generally a nice Slice-of-Life story. Starting with Chapter 24, however, everything turned into death and hyperviolence. The MC also inexplicably went from being a good, caring guy to a cold-blooded person that felt no guilt for killing innocents. He was only disgusted. The sudden changes were far too jarring and off-putting. A few more chapters of this and the story became irredeemable.

7 Likes · Like

Cyng_Aetheling_wulf

Status: c31

Oct 3, 2022

The Novel felt like it had a good potential but sadly, so far, it's just comes out as disappointing. The premise was nice, the MC seemed decent, but after the plot has progressed I can't help but think this guy thinks more from his d*ck rather than his brain or from his heart. Also felt like you just threw the whole pacing of the story over the board when you decided to have the kidnapping plot (?) Where it turns out the MC, his guard and almost everyone around him is barely competent at either protecting themselves or their master from being chased over and hunted by an evil dark spooky organisation for what seems to be a vindictive reason.

4 Likes · Like

Jhhmhn

Status: chapter 1: transmigrated

Apr 22, 2022

if there is something badly written sorry my main language is portuguese, this novel is just perfect, when I saw the name of the novel I already realized that it had the potential to be one of the best novel maybe the best, look i've been procrastinating watching this one for a whole year types of novels, and I dare to say that even with little written, it's been the best in my opinion, of course there are some mistakes there and here about psychology, history etc. Perfect and boring writing, tell you your post time is perfect in my opinion

3 Likes · Like

Toast2Venus

Status: chapter 30: not everything is as...

Mar 6, 2023

The story started off so promising and unique then it hit a nose dive, the MC seemed competent at the start along with his sister (my fav character so far and the most sensible one) but then he stopped using his brains and started thinking with his d*ck, and was ready to sacrifice any and everyone for some chic he doesn't even know, very disappointing I liked the story at the start but how the guards and everyone ended up dying because of one slave and putting his entire family in danger the MC is a beta idiot, I wouldn't recommend this to anyone only a masochist can read this sh*t

2 Likes · Like