Name: Nizzal Grey
, 16. Grey Lord, 13. memory line
Race: Twi'lek
Nickname: Nizzy
Gender: Female
Unique marks: light gray skin color, pink eyes, left lekku is fifteen centimeters shorter than the right one.
Age: 13 at start, current age 14
State: alive
Titles:
Title: Apprentice of an apostle.
Description: You are about to be indoctrinated. "Still better than starving out on the streets! At least if you ask me... you didn't, got it..."
Title: Holder of the oldest archive.
Description: Be the master of the thirteenth memory line. "... I am feeling a bit confused now... can we talk about this, after we got to Coruscant? Or... at least a few hours of rest later..."
Title: Grandmaster of the Grey Order.
Description: Fulfill your trials. "I didn't signed up for this... can't I just live an honest and peacful life?"
Effects: You are the leader of a bunch of lunatics who would die for you and possibly destroy half of the galaxy as a side effect. "Thanks... cool, no pressure!"
That said, even though they would follow your orders, that doesn't mean they truly respect you personally. Make an effort to change that, you can always count on Big Sis Aomi! "...Are you sure about that? Last time she planned to feed me to a bunch of tuk'ata..."
Grandmaster trials: Trial of Emotions, Trial of Lies, Trial of Silence, Trial of Vigilance, Trial of Blood, Trial of Servitude and Trial of Death.
Trial of Emotions: Because one should know to do the right thing even if it pains thine heart.
Trial of Lies: Sensing the lies behind good intentions is just as important as to sense the bloodlust behind your enemies blade.
Trial of Silence: When one speaks, thou shouldst speak words that are worthier than silence itself.
Trial of Vigilance: Even the mightiest of warriors fall from a lack of caution.
Trial of Blood: Without the will to act, power and knowledge are meaningless.
Trial of Servitude: For those with great power to serve who entrust it to thee, learn thine must.
Trial of Death: To accept thine own death, is to shred the influence of fear.
Title: Become a true Darth.
Description: Defeat a Darth if only in your mind then forge your weakness into a source of strength. Earned name: Darth Waif.
You have been a naughty girl... "... fuu... just fuck you author, you are a big bastard. No, don't talk to me, I said SHUT UP! - Distant chocking sounds."
Effects: Negative karma, slightly increased misfortune. "Are you joking?! Like it could get any worse... - kickes her pinky toe into the corner of the table, not so distant cursing sounds."
Title: Favored child of the force.
Description: This character is beloved by the force, be that the light or the dark side. "...?"
Effects: Purely force type attacks become less effective against her, while her own force based attacks are permanently empowered. " ... Are you drunk? This doesn't sound bad at all! Okay, where is the catch? What do you mean their ain't any?"
Title: Eye of the fate weaver.
Description: Unlock the ability to use the eye of fate. It might be harder to wield it than you initially thought... or easier? "Is this where I am supposed to laugh?"
Title: Isn't that a banana peel? Fu--!
Description: Yes, it is. Earned by pathetically failing to dodge the trash bag in the alley. "... Now you are just looking for a beating ain't ya?!"
Effects: Trauma, feeling nauseous when seeing a large amount of trash or smelling rotten fruits. "..."
Permanent side effect: You hate banana. "... I already hated banana..." 'You just bought a bunch yesterday.' "What? Wait, I guess I really did... Is this actually taking effect? Hey, stop messing with my mind you bastard! How did you broke into the archive to begin with!? Hey?! Where are you going?! HEEEY!"
Thirteenth memory line, get to know your ancestors! "Really? At this point I would pay for the privilage to forget some of them... most of them..."
Chronological order with Lord or Jedi self chosen titles. "... sigh"
Darth Revan ((man) human) - 1. Grey Lord "Big Nose, Big Nose, Big Nose, Big Nose!"
(()) - 2. Grey
Locie Grey ((woman) Mirialan) - 3. Grey Jedi "... She was a genuinely nice person, she liked flowers even had her own little garden to tend to."
Bell Plaha ((woman) Muun) - 4. Grey Lord "Ugh, spare me the thought... she is why I speak to myself so much, even now..."
Master Ari ((man) Cerean) - 5. Grey Lord "... you know what, a madhouse ain't that different from the places I used to visit, nowadays..."
Brealexu Hoshul ((woman) Zeltron)- 6. Grey Lord "I guess, I will wait with the alcohol at least until I come to age... I am still cringing from the memory, why did I told the truth to father... I don't know... still it felt kind of nice, the feeling of really belonging to someone, even if it was, but a short illusion. At least I think so..."
(()) - 7. Grey
Cil-Cil Muz ((man) Gungan) - 8. Grey Lord "Did they really put him in the corner of the living room? Gungans are impossible... "
(()) - 9. Grey
(()) - 10. Grey
(()) - 11. Grey
(()) - 12. Grey
(()) - 13. Grey
(()) - 14. Grey
Joseph Grey ((man) human) - 15. Grey Lord "My master, I miss, him... but it takes a few years to create a real force manifestation. I believe I have heard him in Unity, only weakly but I did... like a weak echo moving through the valley. The valley between life and death..."
Nizzal Grey ((woman) Twi'lek) - 16. Grey Lord "All that splendor and so little to show for it. I guess, I should act more seriously from now on... at least try to do so..." 'Yes, you should, otherwise the readers might crucify me...' "Now, now... wouldn't that be unfortunate? I think I saw a kindergarten on the way to school... I might slip in next time I walk that way, to linger arou-... I mean scout potential force sensitives."
'...'
- Extra 1.Aug 22, 2023
- 125. ChapterJul 29, 2023
- 124. ChapterJul 27, 2023
- 123. ChapterJul 26, 2023
- 122. ChapterJul 23, 2023
- 121. ChapterJul 12, 2023
- 120. ChapterJul 10, 2023
- 119. ChapterJul 6, 2023
- 118. ChapterJul 4, 2023
- 117. ChapterJul 3, 2023
- 116. ChapterJul 1, 2023
- 115. ChapterJun 23, 2023
- 114. ChapterJun 14, 2023
- 113. ChapterJun 5, 2023
- 112. ChapterMay 28, 2023
- 891 reading
- 191 plan to read
- 37 completed
- 34 paused
- 72 dropped
it's a decent read but there are various things the author needs to work on.
First of all is the dialogue of the characters, it always feels unnatural or forced. Other times it's too fast paced and the characters get over their doubts too quickly and don't argue enough to be realistic. With unnatural I mean that sometimes the people you write about feel like robots and dont really show their emotions and personalities. Panic isn't described that well in some situations and it all falls quite flat. Especially if characters instantly react like "is that so?" "ok lets go" without them pausing to think.
The other issue is using - instead of "". Like 99% of storywriters use "" so with - it makes the reading less immersive and slightly annoying, especially so when characters say something and then the description of what they do follows without removing it from the dialogue which makes the readers think that she's currently saying it instead of doing it. Also the author never uses the terms she said, she argued, she thought, she looked grumpily at them etc. It's necessary to show how people are talking instead of pure dialogue, it's very easy to misinterpret many things with them missing.
If the author improves on the dialogue and describes more how the characters talk, move etc. The chapters will become longer and more immersive. Not using "" is also not an option if the author wants to improve his/her writing and gain more readers.
I hope you take my criticism into consideration, I wouldnt take the time to write this if I didnt somewhat like what I read so far.
Summarized:
You need to use "" instead of -
The dialogue needs to flow better and show more of the characters intrinsic personalites, thoughts and reactions.
Grammar isn't that bad, but you often use than and then incorrectly. Also there are quite a few typos and errors which shows that there isnt much proofreading.
Lots of infodumps.
Edit: Author also often incorrectly uses his and her i. E. His teacher, when the student is a girl. There are also issues with y and I (mercyful instead of merciful) -> Also none of the critique has inspired the author to do something about it yet.
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If you enjoy a main character that is not utterly pathetic and lets every single person walk all over them with absolutely 0 consequences, then this is not a story for you.
The main character constant lets everyone disrespect her, make fun of her and anything else and she never puts them in their place.
The Order has constantly treated her like a criminal / prisoner and yet she keeps going back and being stupid with them for 0 reason.
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Im just confused
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Great story and character interactions. The pacing is just right that even if you do not have much knowledge about star wars you would still be able to understand whats going on since I also don't know much about it except for the general outline of the plot from memes, clips and recent star wars film (I can't watch the older ones since I am too spoiled of modern cinematics now that I just cringe hard trying to watch them and ultimately just stop watching it entirely). The whole thing about using both light and dark side of the force for balance is nothing new in star wars fanfic but the fact that the MC is not a reincarnated person is a biggg biggg plus and that she her personality is very amusing and hilarious but will be serious when she needs to be. Lastly the Grey Order is a secretive sect which was written really well to show that it its kinda like S.H.I.E.L.D/HYDRA where they infiltrate other organations to steal other sects knowledge and keep their existence a secret. Overall its a 9/10 and definitely a great read.
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very good worth a read people actually have inteligence
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The story is entertaining. However do not get attached to anything, the MC's situation will be different within 5 chapters. The MCs life starts miserable and stays there. The MC will never get comfortable. The MC will be thrown against every character that can overpower her whenever she starts to gain her footing. Some people like stories like this.
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The story is great so far, the characters act as they would and the writing is great and descriptive. Overall 5/5, would recommend it for people who either like star wars or wanting to find a good story to pass the time or what not.
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as of chapter 9 I can say I love the concept in general and the execution so far has been nearly flawless in my opinion. I like that it is going to and has already had both has psychological and philosophical elements. I also like that its someone born in the world instead of someone who knows the plot of starwars so they are prepared for everything like we normally get. Also it is someone in a different order than a sith or a jedi which is a breath of fresh air. Plus I like they are not a human too. In general I just like the foundation this has and hopes the story makes the most of its solid beggining
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This is honestly frustrating for me write. I enjoyed this story for a large portion of the chapters and really enjoyed the character and premise of the overall story.
I don’t know if I just simply dislike this new Arc, but I really wish I could like it.
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